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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get in touch with my nephew?

30 replies

FamilyDilemma1 · 11/12/2021 08:43

Long story short, my brother had a child nearly 8 years ago and fell out with the mumi when the child was a baby. He's never wanted to know the child and expects his family not to either. I've tried raising the issue in the past but it's quite clear that if I try to get to know the child, it will cause a huge rift in the family. My brother now has another child who he is a proper father too and it just seems so unfair on the first child. I previously had no way to get in touch with the mum but now I think I've found out her address. I'm thinking of going and putting a Christmas card through the door and reaching out. Not sure if I should knock and try to reach out that way or what. I'm worried she might not want to know now anyway as I've already left it too long. AIBU? What would you do? I also have kids now and would like them to know their cousin.

OP posts:
Original poster
FamilyDilemma1 · 11/12/2021 08:44

Sorry no idea what mumi is! Should just be mum

OP posts:
Sirzy · 11/12/2021 08:45

I would do a card to the Mum, with a letter in from you explaining and with your contact details. Make it clear that any contact moving forward would be on her terms and that you won’t make any more contact unless she does.

Hope it works out and it’s lovely your thinking of them even if your brother has been an arse

tallduckandhandsome · 11/12/2021 08:47

I think that would be a lovely thing to do. I hope you will be able to sustain contact though, and not just leave it after after a few times.

Who is protecting your dickhead brother in the family? He is the lowest of men.

Original poster
FamilyDilemma1 · 11/12/2021 08:50

Yes, it won't just be a one off. I want to get to know him properly and maintain a family relationship with him. Already feel awful that I've missed so much by giving in to my brother's demands.

OP posts:
LightDrizzle · 11/12/2021 08:50

Yes, any initial communication or olive branch should be to mum, not her child.

You will need to respect her decision as to whether she wants you to have contact.

You sound nice. Do your parents agree with your twat if a brother?

Original poster
FamilyDilemma1 · 11/12/2021 08:50

Also worried that when my brother inevitably finds out he will cut me off and I won't be able to see the younger child.

OP posts:
Motheroftigers · 11/12/2021 08:51

You could actually be talking about my niece and her son. Are you from the North West?

My niece would actually be really happy to for her son to have another family member be in his life. She feels incredible guilt that his father is a complete bastard yet will play happy families with his other child.

If you do though OP, you have to be in it for the long haul and no disappearing. Children can never have enough family members that care about them.

Motheroftigers · 11/12/2021 08:52

@FamilyDilemma1

Also worried that when my brother inevitably finds out he will cut me off and I won't be able to see the younger child.
He would have absolutely no say in the matter as it would be completely independent of him.

Why is the Childs mother going to listen to a man that refuses to see his own child?

Original poster
FamilyDilemma1 · 11/12/2021 08:54

Yes north west. I really do hope that's the case that she would want it too. I will definitely be in it for the long run. I've thought about it for a long time but now feel strong enough to disregard my brother's feelings and face the backlash when he finds out.

OP posts:
profedemates · 11/12/2021 08:56

100% please get in contact, I was that child, and it still upsets me that not only did my dad not get in touch but also none of his 7 siblings. Now they are trying to forge a relationship with me after my dad died, but it’s hard as I am an adult now, It’s hard to let go. I feel like they need to take accountability, but they blame my dad for not having contact with me, which to me seems like an excuse.

Bubblecap · 11/12/2021 09:02

Well it is your decision but as you say he will cut you off it’s your decision of taking that risk. I’m wondering if not seeing your brother is much of a loss. We live hundreds of miles away from both our families and DS has hardly ever seen any of his cousins. I understand you worry that he may then stop your children seeing his current family but do you really want your children round such an arsehole. Family loyalty has a lot to answer for, it’s at the root of so many issues.

I assume your brother wants to pretend that part of his life didn’t happen.

AutumnLeaves21 · 11/12/2021 09:06

Op you sound lovely Flowers I really hope you do reach out. What’s your brothers current partner like, would she stop you seeing your youngest nephew?

tallduckandhandsome · 11/12/2021 09:08

He would have absolutely no say in the matter as it would be completely independent of him.

Why is the Childs mother going to listen to a man that refuses to see his own child?

@Motheroftigers i think OP means his child with his new partner, eho he is a ‘proper’ father to.

NannyOggsWhiskyStash · 11/12/2021 09:09

As long as the mum is in agreement, it's a lovely thing to do. Do your parents have no contact with their grandson? Is your brother an arse in general,or just about his son?

Original poster
FamilyDilemma1 · 11/12/2021 09:28

Thank you all. This has really reassured me that I'll be doing the right thing.

His new partner is lovely but I do think she'd just go along with what he wanted.

OP posts:
profedemates · 11/12/2021 10:04

I would really like to get into the mind of parents who literally just abandon their kids, I wonder why he doesn’t want to now his child, is literally just because he fell out with the mum ? Because that’s quite harsh the child is innocent @FamilyDilemma1 have you tried to discuss with him the reasoning for his decision?

BlusteringBoobies · 11/12/2021 10:16

OP I think your approach is spot on regarding asking the mother

Your brother does sound like a bit of an arsehole so as you've mentioned, you'd need to be prepared for him to cut you off and lose contact with the child he now has. So you may gain contact with your nephew but lose it with his new child

I'm not saying that's at all right but if his feelings are that strong then it's a possible fall out you should be prepared for

Helpstopthepain · 11/12/2021 10:20

We did exactly this. We now have a great relationship with the child but none with the sibling or ‘new family’. It was worth it though.
We are the only ones in the family to have contact because it was forbidden. The only difference was that the child was older and had known us before!

StrawberryFever · 11/12/2021 10:22

Although I agree with getting in contact I wouldn't do it as a card - either Christmas or other, at this time of year. If it looks like a Christmas card an excited child might open it, which could be unnecessarily upsetting. You need to make sure the message goes directly to the Mum so the situation can be handled by her as and when she feels best.

Cocomarine · 11/12/2021 10:32

If I were the mum of the older child, I might have negative feelings that basically you were happy to ignore your nephew until you had your own kids, and now you selfishly want to play happy families. I might think that the apples hadn’t fallen far from the tree here.

I’m not trying to be mean, but I read your post feeling that your brother was an arsehole, and you were lovely… and then I read your last line and thought, “hmmm - well that’s an interesting extra point.”

So I don’t share this to say that is your motivation. Just to say, being careful of your communication.

Ponoka7 · 11/12/2021 10:43

My children had half siblings who decided that they didn't want to know them. My DH was older than me, but had been divorced four years when I met him. I was always honest with my children and left if upto them. They are now good friends with their DNs. There was a point were there was drama and ultimatums thrown about by their parents, but their children ride it out. They were bumping into each other at festivals, on nights out and had mutual friends, it would have been madness to ignore each other. If there isn't honesty it's a mess further down the line. His child who he lives with won't thank him. You've always got the potential for incest.
Your children would question why you treated them differently. It will change their opinion of the grandparents. Any parent who does this is out if order and it should have been him who was cut off.

Fleur405 · 11/12/2021 10:48

I agree with the PP that a child can never have enough people who love them and your nephew sort of only has one side of his family at the moment. As long as you can make a proper commitment you should do it (as other have said, through the mother and providing she is happy)

PhoboPhobia · 11/12/2021 10:52

I have done this with my own Nephew’s DD. Nephew is a shit Father but my siblings and parents can see no wrong.

I contacted the child’s Mum in the same way you are suggesting. She did’t reply for a few weeks but then got in touch and I have seen the little one and her Mum a few times. I am so happy to have a relationship with this little girl who has half a family who never see her. I don’t tell the rest of my family, although they know. I don’t discuss it, I don’t share any photos. My parents are quite pissed off with me but they have every opportunity to do the same and are too stubborn. That’s their loss.

PicaK · 11/12/2021 11:20

I'd look at your post again. Not once does it show you've thought about how this will affect the child and how it will benefit them. It's all about you, your relationship with your family and your children.
I really think you need to think about what you are bringing to the table and whether it's positive and will be long lasting.

Original poster
FamilyDilemma1 · 11/12/2021 12:06

I absolutely take these comments on board. I think my main motivation is that I think it's unfair on my nephew to be without half his family just because his dad isn't interested but it would also be nice for the cousins to get to know each other too.

OP posts:
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