To get in touch with my nephew?

[FamilyDilemma1]

Long story short, my brother had a child nearly 8 years ago and fell out with the mumi when the child was a baby. He's never wanted to know the child and expects his family not to either. I've tried raising the issue in the past but it's quite clear that if I try to get to know the child, it will cause a huge rift in the family. My brother now has another child who he is a proper father too and it just seems so unfair on the first child. I previously had no way to get in touch with the mum but now I think I've found out her address. I'm thinking of going and putting a Christmas card through the door and reaching out. Not sure if I should knock and try to reach out that way or what. I'm worried she might not want to know now anyway as I've already left it too long. AIBU? What would you do? I also have kids now and would like them to know their cousin.

I think you’d be opening a massive can of worms here. It’s all very well people saying ‘Awwh, you sound lovely OP - a child can never have enough people who love them’, but think about how the boy is going to feel about his aunt suddenly arriving on the scene, but his dad not wanting to join her.

His mum has probably already had a very difficult time trying to explain why his dad simply doesn’t want to know. Isn’t it going to just confuse things for him? Won’t he start asking his mum ‘But why can I see Auntie X but not my dad?’

The child has to come first here.

I would think very carefully about this. At the moment he is unaware of a half sibling , let alone a sibling who is loved by their father . The same father who wants nothing to do with him
Where do you want this to go ?
Tread carefully as once you've done it there's no going back

For me it would be relevant to know if your brother has paid child support reliably for the 8 years. If not, you are indeed opening a can of worms.

I have adult cousins whom I didn't have a relationship with growing up due to cool relationships between the adults. I'm friendly with one of them now thanks to Facebook. But it would have been awkward to sort when we were all kids.

As someone who has been through this I disagree about it opening a can of worms, I always felt angry that despite my dad not having contact with me, none of my aunts or uncles bothered either. I suspect they were in the same predicament as the OP, however I don’t think it’s a good enough excuse. The OP should reach out to the mother, and the mother will decide if it’s appropriate for her to have contact with the child, she will know best and decide how it will work. I don’t think it’s right that someone can do something so wrong and then threaten cutting off contact, that in itself is out of order, and if your brother can act so harshly, no caring about the relationship your kids have, I don’t think you should have that person in your life I’m sorry, he cannot be a perfect dad, great husband or brother if he can behave in such an irrational way.

Card with a letter is the best here. You don't just want to turn up announced that wld be a bit strange and probably shock the mum.

If I were in the mums shoes my main question wld be why now? I'm not sure I'd want to have to explain to him who u were. She maybe have another partner that the little boy believes is his real dad. So for "auntie" to turn up it may take some explaining that they do not want to do just yet.

Apart from that I'd be happy for him to get to know u and ur kids. As for ur brother, how wld he even find out. I'd say nothing.