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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I doing the wrong thing? Telling my husband I want a divorce?

31 replies

Unknown455 · 10/12/2021 17:47

I've posted on here before about my husband, who is pakiatani who I have 2 kids with, ages 4 and 6. He's hit me, emotionally abused me, I know I've not been perfect either and I've made mistakes but I have realised now that I deserve more and so do my children. The only reason I've stayed for this long is bevause I didn't want to ruin my kids lives, bevause we are Muslim I thought by us staying together I wouldn't be making their life a misery, I got married at 16 ( I'm only 23 now) obvooislt now I'm a grown up, and have 2 kids of my own I have matured so much and even though my kids made me I realise truly now I was just far to young, my parents obviously at the time never wanted me to get married bevause I know i was still a baby myself. For the past 7 years of marriage he's hardly been here, I do everything for the kids as if I was a single parent. Because I got married so young I dropped out of school, left my education and I've stayed for so long out of the fear I couldn't give my kids anything plus my husband putting it into my mind that I am ruining my kids lives.

I live 2 hours away from my family, I have finally made up my mind that I want to move back home, I'm scared as I have nothing to give my children but I know being with my family I'd have my mum their to help with my children and I'd be able to go back to college and build my life up, I know I'm still so young and I know it's not to late and it will be hard but I can do it bevause I will have the support their that I don't have here ( my husband won't let me go to college or anything) I'm just worried that I will regret this and it will be a huge mistake, I know alot of it is just fear maybe of even being alone but I'm practically a single parent anyway as my husband does nothing for the kids. My daughter has been having behavioural issues now for a while, she is a very smart little girl and I've asked her whats wrong with her for weeks but she wouldn't tell me ( she's seen her dad hit me, her dad as hit her and regularly just talks rudely to me and the kids and shout at them when he does see them) she says it's bevause of daddy he makes her unhappy bevause he always hits and shouts at people. I've noticed over the past few weeks as well since making Christmas things that she only writes " to mummy" she never writes or makes anything for her dad or to me and him. I was crying earlier this evening with my daughter when she told me this. Am I making the right decision? I feel like i'm finally ready to do this

OP posts:

JennyForeigner · 10/12/2021 17:51

Ahhh OP you poor woman, if you have come this far between 16 and 23 you can do it. Don't let your children grow up to see this as normal. You and they deserve better.

Justcallmebebes · 10/12/2021 17:52

You're absolutely making the right decision for you and especially for your children. Go home to your family and rebuild your life. Good luck x

PenCreed · 10/12/2021 17:52

It's the right thing to do, you can make a better life for you and your children. Go and don't look back. Good luck!

Lily019 · 10/12/2021 17:55

If your family are supportive of your decision then I would most certainly use their kindness and support to get out of there. You have the right to a decent life without fear and intimidation, as do your kids. I divorced at 35 with 3 young kids, little support from my family but we made it. Went to Uni and raised my kids myself. You've got the right idea and I dont think you will regret this. Go for it and make things better, you can do it!!
I wish you and your kids a happy life from now on. Hugs.

Nowayoutonlydown · 10/12/2021 18:00

Please leave. Please. I understand that its hard to leave, and it feels like you will ruin the stability that you currently offer your children by being married and having both parents around-I've stayed with a man who has financially abused me since we got together. I always stayed because I didn't want to make my daughters childhood worse.
However, over time I have seen that this all effects children.
If your family will lovingly support you, please go go them ASAP, you will be safe and your children's childhood will be massively improved.

PS, you wouldn't be wrong leaving even if you were just unhappy, you're being abused. Definitely not unreasonable of you to leave him.
You could create a beautiful and happy life with your children without him.

Elieza · 10/12/2021 18:11

You’re doing the right thing.

You don’t want your kids being hit or growing up to think hitting women is ok. Or for your daughter to expect to be hit by men.

You won’t need permission to do anything you want once you get rid of that waste of space husband.

Great your family are supportive. Pack up and go.
Take kids passports, chargers and everything you’ll need.

You can sneakily photograph any bank statements or p60s or wage slips of his for evidence, should there be any debate about his earnings in future when you get divorced. Which I imagine there will be as he sounds like a right misogynistic type and he could try and give you nothing.

If you’re in the uk and have a legal marriage (ie not just one the imam did, a paper marriage too) you have more rights than if you’ve just a religious marriage.

Zanina · 10/12/2021 20:38

If you don't want to live the next 40-50 years like this then leg it. Go while your parents are in a position to help you. You're still young you can do this xxx

Zanina · 10/12/2021 20:40

Don't announce that you're leaving, its the most dangerous time for a woman and children. Go home for the holidays and don't go back. Take essentials and leave the rest x

PussInBin20 · 10/12/2021 20:59

You know what to do OP. This is no life for you or your kids. You will be doing them such a favour if you move away and kick start college for all of your futures.

Your daughter is telling you how she feels.
Go and live your life - good luck!

mediumbrownmug · 10/12/2021 21:01

Oh, OP. I’m so sorry. You already have your answer, YADNBU, but I wish you all the luck and strength in the world.

EberhardtSmallcock · 10/12/2021 21:01

Not sure how the voting manages to add up to 101%, but the (apparently) 3% are mad.

OP, you are doing the right thing a million times over.

Ponoka7 · 10/12/2021 21:03

Don't tell him until you've left, it will put you all in danger. You are damaging your children by staying. You are young enough to start over again.

Georgy12 · 10/12/2021 21:03

I can only assume whoever voted YABU hit the wrong button in error. You've a clearly thought out plan and sound reasoning. You're absolutely doing the right thing, good luck xx

TakeMe2Insanity · 10/12/2021 21:05

The fact you are muslim is irrelevant. This is unacceptable in any environment. If anything it makes things worse that he is muslim and doing these because they aren’t allowed. You have every right to a divorce because his behaviour is wrong.

In terms of of how you leave, I wouldn’t announce it i would start getting all your documents together and keeping them safe out of the house. Tell him when you have left.

You are 23, you have your whole life ahead of you. Your whole future could be so different this time next year.

Hankunamatata · 10/12/2021 21:08

Can you call your mum and dad to come down to help you pack and leave?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 10/12/2021 21:17

It sounds like leaving him will be the best thing that you ever do for her

LuaDipa · 10/12/2021 21:24

You are still so young and have your whole life ahead of you. Please don’t waste any more of it with this abuser. Don’t say anything to him, just get your things together when he’s out and leave. You are doing the right thing for you and your dc.