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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't have any social life, do you?

52 replies

Wintersnuggles10 · 10/12/2021 17:15

I always feel down in the dumps at this time of year because I see so many people on there out socialising.
Am mid 30s, married, 2 kids, a housewife.
I haven't worked for 7 years and I really miss the social aspect of it particularly at this time of year. People have parties to look forward to, I don't.
I have one friend who's not long had a baby. I meet her for lunch occasionally but we don't go out during the evening.
I also don't drink alcohol anymore. I would if I went out but it gives me a horrific hangover which since having kids I couldn't deal with, so stopped.
I am extremely overweight and have lost all confidence so even when I do go out I am very self conscious and can't relax.

How do I rectify this. I want to go out but I dont. I want to go out but I don't have anyone to go with. I want to go out but don't even know where to go!!

My husband and I go out for a date night once a month which would be cinema or meal, but we don't drink or go for drinks etc. He doesn't drink either. He's also a quiet introverted man who has never enjoyed socialising. Would rather be snuggled up at home.

I used to go out every weekend to our city all through my twenties. Had a fab time!I love dancing the night away. But I feel I'm too fat and old for that now. I'd Just like a group of friends that I could go to a concert with, out for dinner and drinks, go to events etc. I feel like my younger life is passing me by...

OP posts:
NotTheGrinchAgain · 10/12/2021 17:33

No I don't. But I'm not bothered. I'm older than you.

Obvious solutions:
find time to join a keep fit Class. If you like dancing why not try Zumba? You're bound to get chatting with regulars

Get pally with the school run crowd

Get a part time job, so you have more adult contacts and higher disposable income

Comedycook · 10/12/2021 17:35

I don't!

DH has loads of friends and goes out at least twice a week.

Like you I'm a sahm...lots of my friends have moved out the area and others have lots of life shit going on.

Fallagain · 10/12/2021 17:38

Not much of one. Small children and limited childcare. Does toddler group count?

Do you want to lose weight? Have you thought about joining SlimmingWorld. You would get to lose weight and socialise.

Thadhiya · 10/12/2021 17:39

There were times being a SAHM I found very hard and lonely, but it spurred me on to get out and be among people.

By joining various clubs, attending events and finally returning to work, I developed a good social life.

There are groups on Meetup that are purely just women's social groups. Could try one of those? It's nice to have plans. I also joined our local WI, because it's very young and modern and they have some great events and nights out.

Dixiechickonhols · 10/12/2021 17:39

For making friends I’ve loved my Slimming world group. Everyone is friendly, wide range of people and ages. We sometimes meet for coffee or a walk. Plus I lost 5 stone too.
If you like dancing join an adult dance class. I do tap.
Or join a gym with classes.
Volunteer? In most volunteer organisation people socialise too.

DDUW · 10/12/2021 17:47

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

TurnUpTurnip · 10/12/2021 17:49

No I don’t, you are certainly not alone, I’m a single parent to 4 kids and never get a break (no ex no family help) I have no break to have a social life

GreenClock · 10/12/2021 17:49

What happened to the people you socialised with in your 20s? Could you reconnect with some of them?

Fitness classes or a walking group would help with the size issue as well as providing a social outlet (assuming you wish to lose weight of course). My friend has met a couple of new friends on local litter picks!

Part time work would be helpful if that’s feasible.

If your children are at school perhaps join the PRA? If they’re not, you’ll meet people on the school run and at drop-and-stay parties when they start.

But there’s nothing intrinsically wrong with not socialising OP. And remember - some people post carefully on social media to make themselves seem more busy, popular and interesting.

daisydoh · 10/12/2021 17:58

Perhaps get a job OP. I don't mean that bluntly but that would help if not open social avenues at least to get out and about and a bit more interaction with people. Even if it's something part time just to keep you busy

GTAlogic · 10/12/2021 18:06

Apart from camera club, which is held in the function room of a pub, I don't go out either. I used to go out out on a weekend because I felt like I had to but I hated it and felt free when I realised that I was actually allowed to stay in!

Itsnotdeep · 10/12/2021 18:09

Well you can get a job? Or join a book club. Join a running club. Join a choir? Start talking to the school mums. Get in touch with your friends from your 20s.

tbh I would go crazy if I didn't go out.

Joblosspain · 10/12/2021 18:10

I was very slowly getting somewhere but then Covid

Thesechipsdontlie · 10/12/2021 18:15

No social life. similar age and life stage to op Young family = term time groundhog day = cooking/cleaning/repeat.

I'm trying to turn over a new leaf in the new year and do something for myself, a course, a job or something.

All the other mums I know are busy spinning similar plates, we're just passing ships so just a quick hello at school gates/in the town/at the kids parties and groups.

I would love to join a choir!

ufucoffee · 10/12/2021 18:16

I'm nearly twice your age, fat, and I'm out drinking and going for food tonight and tomorrow night in our city with my husband and friends. Why do you think you're too old? I hope you find some friends to go out with.

PooWillyNameChange · 10/12/2021 18:17

I felt really lonely after moving countries so I started a book club here on Nextdoor. It's not exactly wild but we have a WhatsApp to chat, I've got fairly close to one of the ladies and occasionally we go for cocktails etc rather than just wine in someone's house. I also started French class once a week. I work but all my team are more junior/younger and those I work with more directly are back in London where I'm from!!!

I understand where you're coming from though, I miss being young and beautiful and carefree.

Currently 9 months pregnant and hoping we can make some couple friends through baby groups etc and occasionally do something a bit more "young" as a couple, or just with other women. I'm also planning on joining my local running club when I've recovered sufficiently.

Sorry just blabbering about myself but maybe there's an idea there that appeals!

LegoPandemic · 10/12/2021 18:18

Our social life is either going out for meals with child free friends or socialising at our house or friends houses while our children play. Most of our friends were made at University.

time2tork · 10/12/2021 18:23

Same! I'm 28, I got married at 19 and had 2 kids by 21, divorced by 23. So any school friends and I went on different paths.

I was a housewife from a young age, then left a single Mum to navigate the world and start from scratch with two toddlers.

I have lived in 4 different counties and never had a friend or friendship group.

My kids have always been invited to their friends parties and play dates etc but the parents have never wanted to be a friend of mine.

I eventually met my partner, he came from a really social world, he and his ex wife still share life long friends but none of them have ever liked me because he's 20 years older than me so I don't socialise with them.

I'd love to have friends, proper friends that just pop round, sit on my couch, drink tea with me, browse shops with me, have lunch with me and if we don't talk then it's not awkward!

Sadly I have no idea how to make those type of friends.

ParkheadParadise · 10/12/2021 18:24

I'm 44 and have a good social life.
I have 4 close friends I meet up with once a week for lunch/dinner.
I go out with my fitness class once a month for dinner.
DH and I go out for dinner/ drinks once a week we also go away for the weekend regularly.
I go out with my sisters and BF for breakfast and shopping.

Original poster
Wintersnuggles10 · 10/12/2021 18:26

For the other 11 months of the year it doesn't really bother me but seeing all the celebrations on social media during December and New year's just reminds me of small my world has become since having children.
My family and my husband's family are not fun families either. Some families have lots of parties etc but our gatherings are quite formal and it's just chatting. There's no fun there.
It was old work mates/aquaintences during my 20s.the company closed down and we were all made redundant so everyone went their separate ways and I had 2 children in quick succession after that so was focused on that. Now it's 7 years later I'm realising that I don't seem to have my own life outside of the family home Sad

OP posts:
TiddleTaddleTat · 10/12/2021 18:26

It’s hard. I do think work is where many people get their main social input. Has been the case for me anyway, similar age and circumstances to you I think.

TiredSloth · 10/12/2021 18:26

You have described me EXACTLY except the married part. I’m a fat ugly single mum who doesn’t go anywhere. I fear I may be single for the rest of my life.

Just know you are not alone. If you are interested in losing weight then, like pp said, slimming clubs can be a good place to make a like minded friend. Sorry you are going through this.

mumonthehill · 10/12/2021 18:27

You need to make small steps so start by doing things where you just see people in passing so a local walk in the park or an exercise class. This will build up your confidence in being around people again. Then you can venture into things where you interact more so play groups, school activities or as others have said slimming world. I do not have a huge social circle but I try and make an effort to see some people. Start by building up your self esteem and you will find your old self and feel able to try new things and build friendships.

MintJulia · 10/12/2021 18:28

Not really. Single mum, full time job, one DS.

I used to run Parkrun and built up some friends but now ds' swimming lesson clashes, so I'm back to nothing of my own Sad.

Something will turn up. Maybe in the spring I'll join the local running club and do weekday evenings instead.

Strugglingtodomybest · 10/12/2021 18:30

I feel for you OP. Could you make it your New Year's Resolution to make some friends next year ready for the Christmas season?

If you're overweight you could make friends at a slimming class or exercise classes. You could volunteer, join a drama group, get involved with politics, do an adult ed class... what are you interested in?

Nidan2Sandan · 10/12/2021 18:32

I found being a SAHM very hard. I did it for 10 years, but after 3 years I started attending a martial arts class and it changed my life!!

I met my best friend there, I have a solid group of friends and we all socialise together. If we're not together we're chatting on the group chat. Plus, bonus that I got fit, earned two black belts (heading for my third next year), opened my own club and feel part of something again.

So go out and find a club. Try pilates, yoga, karate, choir, park run.....the options are there you just need to put yourself out there.