I don't have any social life, do you?

[Wintersnuggles10]

I always feel down in the dumps at this time of year because I see so many people on there out socialising.
Am mid 30s, married, 2 kids, a housewife.
I haven't worked for 7 years and I really miss the social aspect of it particularly at this time of year. People have parties to look forward to, I don't.
I have one friend who's not long had a baby. I meet her for lunch occasionally but we don't go out during the evening.
I also don't drink alcohol anymore. I would if I went out but it gives me a horrific hangover which since having kids I couldn't deal with, so stopped.
I am extremely overweight and have lost all confidence so even when I do go out I am very self conscious and can't relax.

How do I rectify this. I want to go out but I dont. I want to go out but I don't have anyone to go with. I want to go out but don't even know where to go!!

My husband and I go out for a date night once a month which would be cinema or meal, but we don't drink or go for drinks etc. He doesn't drink either. He's also a quiet introverted man who has never enjoyed socialising. Would rather be snuggled up at home.

I used to go out every weekend to our city all through my twenties. Had a fab time!I love dancing the night away. But I feel I'm too fat and old for that now. I'd Just like a group of friends that I could go to a concert with, out for dinner and drinks, go to events etc. I feel like my younger life is passing me by...

It's the same for me. I also have no social life and this time of year makes me sad as it seems everyone else is making plans and I have none.
I'm also mid 30s married and a stay at home mum. It is lonely.
So whilst I can give you any advice as such I wanted to say you're not alone

Firstly you aren’t too old that’s ridiculous your only in your 30s

Getting a job would be great for you I think!!

I’ve got a 9month old baby and I go out regularly like a few evenings a week to the gym, a comedy show or dinner and drinks with a friend maybe once a month

You need some time to yourself out of the house really as a first step

Do you ever get child free time?

Maybe join a fun exercise class or something if you are trying to lose weight - would also be a good place to meet new people

I don't have one either, really.

I have one BFF in my town, but I haven't seen her in 7 weeks, despite me making efforts to get together.
I sing in a choir as well, which rehearses once a week in term time. I did make a good friend through it, but she's recently quit. So I suspect that friendship will die off now we don't see each other regularly.

As for work... I'm a supply teacher, so although I meet loads of people, and get passably friendly with some, we never get to the "meet outside of work" stage.

My life is pretty much go to work, come home, potter around for a couple of hours, go to bed, repeat.

Can you start working again? I’ve worked apart from maternity leave and I have an active social life and I’m sure that’s part of it. Lots to talk about other than my kids!

I’m very much out of society too. But I don’t miss boozy nights out at all, freezing in nice outfits in the taxi queue, hangovers or workplace dramas peaking at work parties, nooo thank you

I’ve just lost a lot of weight so I’m enjoying fashion again but don’t really have anywhere other than my one good friend’s house to dress up for. (My lounge-wear collection is where I’m having fun with this at the moment!)

I really want to be out in the world with people again. Its much better for your mental health and your longevity. I’m thinking of slotting back into society through groups, like a sports team or courses. Maybe getting involved with something like a cause.

Nothing seems to be happening in-person in my area these days though, because covid.

We moved over the summer and at that time someone scoped on the local Facebook page as to whether there was any interest for a book club - they had so many people wanting to join they've had to make several groups. Ours meets once a week - spend about half hour talking about the books and then ages nattering about all sorts! Could you look for something like this?

I can identify with a lot of this. But - your post is a bit wishy washy between what you used to have, what other people are doing, what you should be doing.

Forget the past and comparing yourself to people. Live in the moment. What are you interested in now? How could you feel better about yourself now, as you are?

In the nicest possible way, no one cares if you're fat or old. Get on with what you want to do. I think really you've got that loss of identity after having children, you don't want to go out and reveal who you are. You get over this by developing interests and meeting people. Not by staying in.

No, I have very little social life. I live alone. I have two or three people at work I get on well with, and who I could call on to help if I needed it, but we're rarely in touch outside work. I have one friend who I see outside work, and we tend to go to the theatre or out for a meal or something maybe once a fortnight. I talk to my next door neighbour over the fence in summer, but not when the weather's bad or it's dark early. I have an old lady friend who I visit in her nursing home regularly, but she has dementia and rarely recognises me. I'm fine with this, although lockdown was hard.

But this isn't about everyone else OP. Everyone is different and some people don't have a social life and are happy with that. If you're not happy, then that's a nudge to you to do something to tackle it. It can be so hard making new friends as an adult.

Most of my friends are work colleagues or previous work colleagues with a couple of lifelong friends thrown in but mostly socialise with work friends. If you haven’t worked I can see why your social life dwindled a bit.

I guess as others have suggested try to meet people out and about and suggest meet ups for coffee and when you get to know people say about wanting to socialise in the evenings etc.

I don't have any sort of social life and I am not to bothered. I am seeing rather a lot of my hubby and (grown up kids) atm.

I kind of miss my social life but I don't have time or energy to go get one again.

We moved to a new city a few months before the pandemic- been here two years now but the pandemic is not a good time for making friends and I stil don't really know anybody (I know two of DS's preschool friends mums to say hi to, but that's all).

I was planning on getting involved at DS primary school but then I got a job working remotely for old contacts. Loving the job but it doesn't help socially!

I am hoping that we will open up now, and going forward there will be more action going on!
I am starting to have time to myself. My child is a teenager now, and she does not want to spend much time around me, so I can go to the gym, read, and I want to get back to things I used to do long time ago!

How to make friends is the issue here?

I do yes, a very active one.
I'm not here to gloat though. I wanted to say that I was the opposite to you - totally friendless through my 20s. I relocated and suddenly learned how to make friends in my 30s and changed my life.
I joined clubs - that old cliche. I also really put myself out and feel no shame in asking someone I don't know very well if they want to meet for a drink or a hike. I also never cancel on people.
It's not too late for you OP!

I am taking notes @OfMinceAndMen

Do you like music OP?
There's quite a few active fan groups on facebook. I have hardly any social life but I have people to talk to through that. Not bestie type things, but its something.

I go to small gigs on my own and have made some amazing friends that way. No one liked my type of music so I just went for it after years of not going out and it’s the best thing I did. I don’t like pubs or parties or even drinking but music has always been a huge part of me that I lost when the kids were little. Find what you want to do and give it a go

You are definitely not too old. I’m much older! I second those saying have you considered working. It does make a big difference as you get that social contact in the day and hopefully meet some like minded people you can catch up with outside work. I started a new job earlier this year and there’s no real option to go into the office and I’ve felt noticeable lonelier even though I do have a handful of friends I meet up with fairly regularly. Most of my friendships are 1:1 and you do have to cultivate them so regular texts to check on in them and ask how they are getting on with x and ensuring you have regular meet-ups planned all help to maintain the relationship. I’ve become friends with someone from where I used to work who I wouldn’t have said I had that much in common with but we always have a really enjoyable evening when we catch up.

I relocated and suddenly learned how to make friends in my 30s and changed my life. I joined clubs - that old cliche. I also really put myself out and feel no shame in asking someone I don't know very well if they want to meet for a drink or a hike.

Similar to @OfMinceAndMen I relocated to Asia from London when I was in my early 30's. Before that I had a social life and a good group of friends from Uni and work but it was dwindling as people had kids and weren't as available or moved. I met very few "new" people as I was just working and partying. Moving gave me a kick up the butt as I knew no-one and just had to put myself out there and risk rejection.

Ultimately, if you want to make friends, you have to meet people, so whether work, clubs, park run etc, you have to go somewhere. If your DC are school age are their opportunities to get involved there? I met one of my best friends as I saw her waiting for a taxi after a baby group and offered her a lift. Despite the MN antipathy to "mum friends" having DC the same age can make it one hell of a lot easier to meet up regularly.

Secondly, don't expect too much too soon. It takes a long time to convert a nodding acquaintance into a party invitation. May not happen. Doesn't mean it wont even happen.

Lastly, broaden your concept of "social life" as parties and evenings out can be a really small part of it or not at all. Involvement in sports or clubs is still social life.

Good luck

Don’t be daft with the too old!

I have a lovely group of mum friends from school who I socialise with. We maybe go out once a month to the pub, but sometimes meet for coffee in between and obviously we see each other at school.

Have you thought about going back to work? Or trying a new hobby? How about doing something in the evenings? How old are your children, can you do something while they’re at school? How about joining the pta or school governors. Or volunteering?

I don't come across as shy /self conscious when you meet me. I'm one of those stereotypical fat, bubbly people. On the school run I'm always chatting to people, but it just stays as that. I'm quite close to a couple of them but they have their own friends away from school and I'm never invited. My eldest leaves for high school this year so I won't see any of those parents again and I will be driving/rushing between two schools every day so won't even have the time to chat at the school gate, so I can see it getting even lonelier!

Regarding work, I'm a carer to my elderly dad now, and I am also disabled myself which causes me a lot of pain. This is what's caused my weight gain and struggle to exercise. My husband works different hours each week so it's just been easier for me to be a housewife.

I would love to join some groups etc, have no idea where to start. I have no talents or particular interests. I've just completely lost myself!!

I throw myself into looking after the kids but in ten years they will be adults and won't need me

I don't have much of a social life. I have 'socialised' (i.e. spent leisure time with someone other than my husband, parents or sister) four times in 2021.

I sort of do but it's very narrow. I lost a fair bit of it when DH stopped drinking 6 years ago due to being an alcoholic. it improved his health and our relationship vastly but unfortunately, all our friends are in one group and their socialising revolves around getting pissed.

I've never been a big drinker so suddenly we were the "straight" couple and the invitations dwindled.

I have a couple of friends I have coffee with and I suppose a few work things now and then but not a "proper" social life. I'm nearly 50 though and I do think people sort of chill out a bit at this age...

I am joining a club in the new year...it's based on a craft so maybe I'll make more friends there.

If you want friends, you’re going to have to go out and make them, not wait for them to come to you so that you can then go out with them. You say that your chatting acquaintances on the school run don’t invite you to things — but do you invite them? Tell them you don’t want to lose touch when your children move schools and suggest coffee or something after drop off?

I have to say that it sounds to me as if you would really benefit from returning to work, and hiring childcare if your husband is really not in control of his working hours.

Could you talk a family member into meeting up and going for a walk? Free exercise, chats and fresh air?

Sorry OP, just read your last post about being disabled. Maybe meet someone from the family outdoors in some capacity though?