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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My grandma won't come because she is scared

48 replies

cupoftea1991 · 10/12/2021 14:17

I haven't seen my grandmother in over two years, not since September 2019 she lives in another country. I was going to go and see her before covid hit in February 2020 but decided I'd taken too much time off work and I'd go later. A month later we went to our first lockdown.

Since then I got pregnant with my first child and it wasn't an easy pregnancy, I've had my daughter and she's now 9 months

I have spoken to her fairly regularly on the phone and video called a bit, but she's obviously never met my baby IRL.

She was meant to be coming for Christmas and I was so looking forward to seeing her finally and introducing her to my daughter, but she's now cancelled 😞 she has said she's too frightened

I understand why obviously but I feel really upset

I've thought about travelling to see her, but it's awkward with my baby, her house is only small and she smokes heavily.

I have this awful feeling like I'm never going to see her again

We were really close when I was growing up. I feel like she doesn't care enough to want to come. That's probably incredibly unfair, but that's how I feel

OP posts:
IsDaveThere · 10/12/2021 14:19

YABU - of course she cares but is currently scared of travelling, which is understandable.

Can't you travel to see her and stay in a hotel/B&B/AirBnB rather than in her house?

TeenMinusTests · 10/12/2021 14:19

How old is she?
I'm not surprised she doesn't want to travel abroad right now.

TheMuggleStruggle · 10/12/2021 14:19

"I've thought about travelling to see her, but it's awkward with my baby, her house is only small and she smokes heavily."

So you won't travel to her because of the inconvenience and because of health worries regarding your baby but you want her to essential risk her life to travel to you?

Ponoka7 · 10/12/2021 14:21

There's a virus going around that could cause her to be hospitalised or die. As well as the possibility of her being stranded. Is she even entitled to free healthcare here?

Viviennemary · 10/12/2021 14:26

A lot of older people will hardly leave their own house never mind travel abroad. YABVVU.

lockdownalli · 10/12/2021 14:28

How old is she? I don't think you should take this so personally. Obviously as a heavy smoker she will be high risk if she catches Covid.

Original poster
cupoftea1991 · 10/12/2021 14:28

@IsDaveThere she lives very rurally, basically in the middle of nowhere with one neighbour

There must be a B&B or something in the nearest town which is. 20-30 minute drive from her house. It's not a touristy place at all though, but there will likely be something I'd have thought. I would need to rent a car and arrange a car seat for my baby. I would also need some courage to drive on the opposite side of the road. I would also need to ask her no to smoke in her own home when I went to see her, because I don't feel comfortable with her smoking with the baby. But I would feel bad asking her to do that because it's her house.

OP posts:
CaptainMyCaptain · 10/12/2021 14:29

YANBU.

For what it's worth I was born in another country in the 50s when travelling abroad was less common. Nobody except my parents
saw me for 2 and a half years.

Original poster
cupoftea1991 · 10/12/2021 14:30

I think it's because we didn't know whether she'd be able to make it, shes been waiting for her passport to arrive back and it finally came and I got my hopes up.

I understand why she's frightened. I think I'm just disappointed.

OP posts:
Elisemum · 10/12/2021 14:30

I love people who are scared of covid but smoke like chimneys 🙈 zero logic in that
But your grandma might be scared of being stranded/ having to do tests etc so I kind of understand her

OhLookMoreShit · 10/12/2021 14:30

Could you travel to see / stay with her alone? Are there childcare options?

tillytown · 10/12/2021 14:30

She can't be that scared if she is still smoking heavily, yanbu

Flippingfair · 10/12/2021 14:31

Of course she cares Flowers
It's just a really frightening time for some people, especially her generation.
Carry on with the video contact, you can still maintain your relationship.
A member of my family lives in an EU country. There have been moments when we've thought we might arrange a visit, but it's still complicated. And since this new variant, we've all just decided to stay put until things settle down.

Chunkymonkey13 · 10/12/2021 14:32

I completely get your disappointment, especially if you were looking forward to it.

Travelling with a young child is a pain in the butt and if they don’t sleep it makes the whole trip rather unenjoyable so I get your not wanting to travel.

Equally until we know more about the new strain I see why your grandma doesn’t want to travel.

I don’t think you can be too annoyed if you aren’t willing either. Hopefully you can make plans inte new year

Original poster
cupoftea1991 · 10/12/2021 14:32

@OhLookMoreShit

Could you travel to see / stay with her alone? Are there childcare options?
My baby is breastfed, I couldn't leave her. I wouldn't want to either tbh. I would love to go and see her though
OP posts:
Flippingfair · 10/12/2021 14:32

People who smoke are addicts. Its really, really hard to give up especially when times are tough.
And I say this as a non smoker.

crispsandnuts · 10/12/2021 14:36

I can understand why she would want to cancel, covid, travelling and 2 years older may have given her some anxiety about travelling, especially after having done none because of covid.
However I can also understand why you wouldn't go there, logistics of travelling with a baby plus the smoking. I certainly wouldn't be keen.
Difficult to come to a compromise other than maybe visit after Christmas in a hotel or rental.
Is she online? could she do video calls until you are able to meet?

Blossom64265 · 10/12/2021 14:37

She may not be comfortable with you traveling to visit her either. If she is, I would secure accommodation big enough for her to stay as well. That way you can sidestep the smoking issue and just visit in a neutral space. It will also keep you from needing to drive back and forth so much with the baby which will make visiting much easier.

LostForIdeas · 10/12/2021 14:46

My parents are in a different country . They will not come and see us either because the U.K. is unsafe in their eyes (yes including when we had no restrictions but very high level of cases).

They are not coming because they dint want to see me, can’t make the effort etc… they are not coming because they are scared.
So yes I can understand why you are disappointed. But that’s not about you…

LostForIdeas · 10/12/2021 14:48

Btw the only way I have been able to see my parents is to travel to them. I’d plan a trip in the spring/beginning of the summer.
Things will have settled down again by then. And even with a (slightly older) baby, it will be easier for you to travel than for her.

SheikhMaraca · 10/12/2021 14:56

This is one of the saddest things about the scaremongering of the pandemic.

Here is a woman so afraid of dying, that she is too scared to actually live the life she is so desperately protecting.

It’s surely no way to live.

Elisemum · 10/12/2021 15:05

@SheikhMaraca 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

LumosSolem · 10/12/2021 15:07

@SheikhMaraca

This is one of the saddest things about the scaremongering of the pandemic.

Here is a woman so afraid of dying, that she is too scared to actually live the life she is so desperately protecting.

It’s surely no way to live.

This.

How old is she, OP? From you're username I'm guessing you're 30? I'm imagining she is quite elderly now. If I were your grandmother i would not want to miss the chances I had to see my family, including great grandchild, because who knows how many more there will be at that age. Realistically, when very elderly you are vulnerable to death for lots of different health reasons! So I would live, properly live whilst I could.

I suppose others feel different but I don't know. I wouldn't want to waste a minute locking myself away. The virus is always going to be with us, may as well enjoy life while possible.

Elisemum · 10/12/2021 15:13

My own mum flew from another country to visit many times. Yes she was scared (she’s 66). She got vacinnated, kept her distance while travelling etc. I never put any pressure on her but she said there is nothing on earth that will stop her from seeing her grandchildren. You have to live your life after all.

HoboSexualOnslow · 10/12/2021 15:15

Travel insurance for an elderly smoker will be sky high as well, is this a consideration do you think?