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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My grandma won't come because she is scared

48 replies

cupoftea1991 · 10/12/2021 14:17

I haven't seen my grandmother in over two years, not since September 2019 she lives in another country. I was going to go and see her before covid hit in February 2020 but decided I'd taken too much time off work and I'd go later. A month later we went to our first lockdown.

Since then I got pregnant with my first child and it wasn't an easy pregnancy, I've had my daughter and she's now 9 months

I have spoken to her fairly regularly on the phone and video called a bit, but she's obviously never met my baby IRL.

She was meant to be coming for Christmas and I was so looking forward to seeing her finally and introducing her to my daughter, but she's now cancelled 😞 she has said she's too frightened

I understand why obviously but I feel really upset

I've thought about travelling to see her, but it's awkward with my baby, her house is only small and she smokes heavily.

I have this awful feeling like I'm never going to see her again

We were really close when I was growing up. I feel like she doesn't care enough to want to come. That's probably incredibly unfair, but that's how I feel

OP posts:

Summerfun54321 · 10/12/2021 15:27

Is it just that covid is a convenient excuse? It’s very natural to want to travel less as people nearer old age. Has she even got someone to help her make the journey?

Lou98 · 10/12/2021 15:28

I feel like she doesn't care enough to want to come.

YABVU and to be honest very unfair/selfish to try say she isn't coming because she doesn't care. You keep saying you understand why she would be scared but you obviously don't.

I wouldn't be travelling anywhere abroad just now and I'm young with no health issues.

I also have a young baby and have family abroad who's not met him yet so I get it but I wouldn't make out it's because they don't care when they're probably desperate to meet her too

shinynewapple21 · 10/12/2021 15:51

I can understand her reluctance to travel at the moment. I'm assuming if she was planning to travel to see you she doesn't have any immediate health concerns. I would give it a couple of months , maybe Easter and then plan a trip to see her - either with or without your baby . I would imagine you would be able to book an Air B&B in the nearby village if you want to travel with your baby and not stay in her home . How far away does she live? Obviously travelling without your DC would be easier but I would understand if you don't want to do that.

shinynewapple21 · 10/12/2021 15:53

@Blossom64265

She may not be comfortable with you traveling to visit her either. If she is, I would secure accommodation big enough for her to stay as well. That way you can sidestep the smoking issue and just visit in a neutral space. It will also keep you from needing to drive back and forth so much with the baby which will make visiting much easier.

That is a good idea .

shinynewapple21 · 10/12/2021 15:57

@Elisemum I know we don't know how old the OP's grandma is but there's a massive difference between someone of 66 than someone in their 80s!

LumosSolem · 10/12/2021 16:03

[quote shinynewapple21]@Elisemum I know we don't know how old the OP's grandma is but there's a massive difference between someone of 66 than someone in their 80s! [/quote]
Well yes, at 66 it would actually be far worse if the person were to die of covid! It's in that category of being at a higher risk than a younger person but young to die by todays standards.

I'd perhaps be taking more care at 66, not likely knowing me but I kind of understand wanting to be careful more. If I was really elderly, I'd most likely think fuck it, I've no idea how long I've got left, it might not be long at all and I'm not missing out on living whilst I do have the chance.

LittleGwyneth · 10/12/2021 16:16

@tillytown

She can't be that scared if she is still smoking heavily, yanbu

Smokers got covid at a weirdly much lower rate.

AdmiralCain · 10/12/2021 16:28

I know lots of elderly people who sit in all day listening to LBC radio and the BBC churn out fear on a monumental scale. I haven't seen them in 2 years.
Mild curiosity about a pandemic doesn't sell
100% pure unadulterated fear and terror, WFH. lockdowns sells.

I really understand you feel hurt but your Nan's been scared shitless. I hope you do get to see her again.

FatCatThinCat · 10/12/2021 16:30

YABU We're still in the middle of a pandemic and lots of people aren't travelling internationally yet. We live abroad and haven't seen any family since 2019. Nobody wants to travel right now. Not out of fear of the virus, more out of fear of the ever changing rules and the possibility of being trapped in quarantine.

Saying she doesn't care enough to come makes you sound petulant seeing as you yourself of full of excuses as to why you can't travel to her. Don't YOU care enough?

Original poster

cupoftea1991 · 10/12/2021 16:32

@Flippingfair

People who smoke are addicts. Its really, really hard to give up especially when times are tough. And I say this as a non smoker.

Yes I used to smoke, I quit three years ago. She's smoked all her life, she doesn't want to give it up. That's up to her I'm not judging her, I just wouldn't want my baby to be breathing it in that's all.

OP posts:

OhRexy · 10/12/2021 16:34

I think you're being really selfish and if you want to see her that much, travel to her.

It's sad that she can't come obviously but she's not making excuses to not visit.

Porcupineintherough · 10/12/2021 16:39

@LittleGwyneth the theory that smokers getting COVID less frequently or less seriously than non smokers has now been disproved.

OP you dont want to go see her because its inconvenient, she doesnt want to come see you because COVID poses a serious risk to her. I think YABU to see this as a lack of devotion on her part. Go visit her in the spring.

Original poster

cupoftea1991 · 10/12/2021 17:03

@LumosSolem she's just turned 80. Can't believe she's 80 but she is. She is a healthy 80 though, despite her smoking

OP posts:

Original poster

cupoftea1991 · 10/12/2021 17:15

@OhRexy

I think you're being really selfish and if you want to see her that much, travel to her.

It's sad that she can't come obviously but she's not making excuses to not visit.

I know you don't know me and only know a few details, but it really pisses me off that you're calling me selfish. I am allowed to feel the way I feel. I'm not ringing her up and trying to make her feel bad, I've been nothing but supportive of her choices to her because I understand she is frightened. But I do also think she's fully vaccinated and so am I, she was happy to come a few days ago, in fact it was her idea to come for Christmas in the first place. Yes, it would be difficult for me to get over there with a baby. If I didn't have my daughter, I'd have already visited her.

OP posts:

ChubbyMorticia · 10/12/2021 17:18

YABU. No visit is worth dying for, imo.

Chocolatewheatos · 10/12/2021 17:24

I feel like she doesn't care enough to want to come.
This is unreasonable. She's scared. I think the media has done an appaling job of scaremongering and people are now now afraid of covid that they're not living their lives. But it's not because she doesn't care, it's because her fear outweighs her love of you and desperation to meet your child, imagine the weight of that fear.

Prescottdanni123 · 10/12/2021 17:27

She does care OP. She cares about you so much that she wants to be around for you as long as possible. Therefore, she doesn't want to risk catching covid by travelling over here. While being separated from family is difficult, it is the safest option for her right now.

Original poster

cupoftea1991 · 10/12/2021 17:32

@Chocolatewheatos

You are probably right. It is probably my own disappointment and insecurity making me see like this.

I hate the thought of her being there all on her own, she's so isolated. My mum said she would go across and travel with her, but she doesn't want to.

It's hard because life is changing so much and she is important, I feel like she should be apart of it. I feel like it's creating distance between us in our relationship. I just wanted to see her and to hug her and smell her.

OP posts:

WoodburnersRUs · 10/12/2021 17:32

Might she come if everyone has tests? Or is it the plane?

Original poster

cupoftea1991 · 10/12/2021 17:37

@WoodburnersRUs

Might she come if everyone has tests? Or is it the plane?

I think it's the plane but also because she's barely left her house. She is a worrier and I think she's worried and worried and worried, then talked herself out of it.

I stopped watching the news absolutely ages ago, but I know she still watches it, so maybe this hasn't helped.

OP posts:

shinynewapple21 · 10/12/2021 20:37

@cupoftea1991 I am guessing you have not read the information about Covid explaining that the biggest risk is age . I can't remember exactly what I read but it was something like someone age 75 with vaccination has same risk of serious illness as 30 year old without vaccination as even with the vaccination the higher risk of being elderly still remains . So a double vaccination for your grandma at 80 is not the same as a double vaccine for you at 30.

shinynewapple21 · 10/12/2021 20:41

@LumosSolem that may seem logical to you now - but as I'm guessing you are neither 66 nor 80 you cannot know how your views and feelings will change when you are .

LumosSolem · 10/12/2021 22:47

@shinynewapple21 true, but I suspect mg feelings won't change. Based on all kinds of reasons- some of the things I've had to deal with in life myself and also what I've had to witness various family members go through.

You also can't presume to know how another person view things, when you don't know what their experiences have been.

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