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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move schools? AIBU? Need some advice off mums please

33 replies

Unsureforthebest · 10/12/2021 10:03

Need some advice off other mums as I'm unsure what to do for the best.

Currently have two dc in the same school. My eldest DC is moving in summer term to senior, so I feel this the best time to move my youngest DC after summer term.
Youngest DC has a medical condition with his bowels and his school aren't dealing with it properly. They ring me to change him which isn't an issue as before they left him ALL DAY in dirty pants mutiple times which gave him rashes and was high uncomfortable for him Sad the kids would pick on him calling him smelly for the teacher to say "well he is a bit smelly..." so I told them to ring me to change him.
A few times I've arrived in the afternoon and they've told me he's been running back and forth to the toilet all day very uncomfortable and unhappy and they never bothered to ring me to collect him.
I took him home one afternoon as I was horrified he was so unwell and they had left him like that all day. Now when they ring me they tell me to come in change him quick but im not allowed to take him home even if he's in pain as he's missing to much school. (He's had roughly 7 days off this term but with good reason!) they don't have a care plan in place for him despite me asking them several times for one and no school nurse involved. That's problem one.
Problem two for a few weeks he was refusing to do work, and they didn't inform me for nearly a entire month when if they had told me immediately I could of spoken to him and sorted it. Soon as I found out his behaviour immediately improved as I spoke to him and solved the issues.
Before they've tried to push down my throat that he has autism when he clearly does not (no I'm not in denial he's NT)
And lots of other little problems that mount up.

AIBU to change his school? Im sick of sending him in and worrying all day about him. Sad what would you ladies (or men) do?

OP posts:
Harriet1216 · 10/12/2021 10:15

The bowel condition and the work are separate issues Regarding the bowel condition, how old is he and is his bowel condition temporary? If he's going backwards and forwards to the toilet all-day, there is obviously something wrong that needs treatment.
I don't think that changing schools is the answer though. About his schoolwork, has he told you why he is refusing to do it? Is the work too hard for him, does he understand the instructions?

Seafog · 10/12/2021 10:18

Is the bowel thing permanent? If so, I'd be inclined to move schools.
If it's something being treated and will resolve, I'd stay put.

Original poster
Unsureforthebest · 10/12/2021 10:19

@Harriet1216

The bowel condition and the work are separate issues Regarding the bowel condition, how old is he and is his bowel condition temporary? If he's going backwards and forwards to the toilet all-day, there is obviously something wrong that needs treatment. I don't think that changing schools is the answer though. About his schoolwork, has he told you why he is refusing to do it? Is the work too hard for him, does he understand the instructions?
The bowel condition is a life long condition. We are waiting to hear if he needs surgery to see if they can get into remission. The school work he doesn't struggle with at all, he's very bright. It was down to motivation, the teacher tends to focus on the children who "can't" do their work and gives them more praise than those who don't struggle and he just had a moment of "what's the point" after seeing these children get lots of treats while he got nothing which I solved with lots of praise at home.
OP posts:
ANameChangeAgain · 10/12/2021 10:28

Thats neglectful treatment from the school there.
Whilst he is waiting for his operation, can he take disposable underwear, wipes and sudocrem to keep himself clean and comfortable?
I wonder if refusing to work is his way of taking control and lashing out?

Anoisagusaris · 10/12/2021 10:31

How can they refuse to let you take him home? Just bring him home if he is in distress or pain

ColdShouldersWarmTummy · 10/12/2021 10:34

That's awful, poor kid.

Have you met with the head teacher etc? If you've pushed as much as you can and they're still not taking it seriously then yes, I'd move him. I'd also complain to Ofsted, and maybe your MP or local councilor.

Original poster
Unsureforthebest · 10/12/2021 10:36

@ANameChangeAgain

Thats neglectful treatment from the school there. Whilst he is waiting for his operation, can he take disposable underwear, wipes and sudocrem to keep himself clean and comfortable? I wonder if refusing to work is his way of taking control and lashing out?
He struggles to clean himself up which they know, he takes a change bag in but he struggles and sometimes they ingore it hence why I told them to ring me as he came home so distressed about it. Thank you for confirming I'm not over reacting.
OP posts:
ColdShouldersWarmTummy · 10/12/2021 10:39

How old is he?

50ShadesOfCatholic · 10/12/2021 10:40

I don't know but this is very sad reading. Your poor little boy. And you must be so anxious about his well-being.

That's not how it should be. The school really isn't catering to his needs.

If you change school, can you have a very honest conversation with them about expectations? How is it he doesn't have a care plan?!

All the best.

EdgeOfTheSky · 10/12/2021 10:45

Poor boy.

How old is he?

I had a child who had to manage a different type of condition in school from age 7. If the school would allow him to use a proper cubicle (do they have an accessible toilet anywhere?) could he have his own changing and cleaning up kit? Wipes, etc?

But the school do sound lax in terms of communication and lack of support for individual pupils’ needs. How did your Dc1 fare in the school? Will next year’s class teacher be better?

Does your Ds want to move?

ChangeChingyChange · 10/12/2021 10:50

Bless him what a hard little life he's got having this bowel problem. Personally if at all possible I'd home school him until the bowel condition is sorted - it sounds like you're available to go and change him so would you be available to home school? I'd fight harder with the NHS than the school to sort the bowel condition as this is really the issue rather than school. Really feel for him.

Flitter123 · 10/12/2021 10:58

It’s very difficult to get staff to clean bottoms of older children. It’s not right or fair - I realise this - but I know it’s something that schools really struggle with. If you can teach your child to sort himself, that may be the solution to your problem. Otherwise you need to be really forthright with school that it’s wrong to leave him dirty and you can’t keep coming in. It you move schools this might still be a problem so I would be very upfront about it from the outset.

EvilPea · 10/12/2021 11:04

My primary had one of those all singing all dancing toilets installed for a pupil. It was part of his plan, but also part paid for by the PTA.

I think you do need to change school, they need to work with you not against you. He needs the care plan in place, he needs support and to feel ok about his condition not to feel uncomfortable, different or dirty. It doesn’t sound like they are in the least bit supportive

EdgeOfTheSky · 10/12/2021 11:05

The school need to understand that he has a disability / chronic condition.

HotPenguin · 10/12/2021 11:58

This is terrible, the school should not be asking you to take him home to clean him, they need a care plan and place and arrangements so that they can do this themselves. If you've asked for a care plan and it hasn't happened you need to make a formal complaint. But yes maybe it's best just to change schools as this one sounds dreadful.

BestZebbie · 10/12/2021 12:19

To be honest, this sounds like a case for homeschooling (properly, with meets with other homeschoolers for socialisation etc) until he is stable after his operation - I think you'll have similar problems in any mainstream school. Homeschooling would prevent one parent working (or you have to do opposite shifts) but it sounds as if you are having to go into school every day to change him as it is?

DukkaTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 10/12/2021 13:08

Sorry I don’t have time to write a long reply, but I partly know what you’re going through. Have you spoken to ERIC the bowls and bladder charity for advice about school?

TeenMinusTests · 10/12/2021 13:14

What about applying for an EHCP?

Scarlettpixie · 10/12/2021 13:28

I wound not be sending him into school when he is in pain and insisting they contact you and send him home if he tells them he is struggling. If he cannot attend school and you may need to get a medical professional to confirm this then the school should refer to the LA for out of school tuition. If the school won’t do this, contact the LA direct to find out the procedure in your area.

I would also consider home educating but if this isn’t what you both want look at OOST first.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 10/12/2021 14:10

I think you have to look at alternatives to school until he’s in a better position, medically. It’s not fair to him to be the odd one out and having embarrassment etc because of this medical condition. Poor little man

PoppityInThe · 10/12/2021 14:39

How old is your son? If he's an older reception or year 1 + can you teach him to clean himself up? If he's NT he should be able to manage this.
At the moment mainstream doesn't sound like a suitable setting, they can't meet their needs. Or an EHCP so they can get someone in to meet his needs. Possibly homeschooling might be an option until NHS can resolve condition?

Mama234567 · 10/12/2021 14:43

Poor little boy I don't understand how school teachers could have such little empathy for a child

Mistyplanet · 10/12/2021 15:41

I'd home school my child if they were struggling like this. Not sure if that's possible for you? Or have a tutor come to the house or even online school depending on his age. You could still meet other children for socialising but be there to help him with his condition. Best of luck OP.

HotPenguin · 10/12/2021 20:43

I'm sorry but posters advising the OP to home school don't know what they are talking about, plenty of children (and adults) have medical conditions that mean they are not fully continent. They are still entitled to an education. The school need to take steps to meet his needs just as they would if he was visually impaired, a wheelchair user etc.

Skysblue · 10/12/2021 20:46

I would leave that school extremely quickly yes, and put in a formal complaint too.

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