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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Christmas present requests - AIBU?

38 replies

yellowcourgette · 09/12/2021 18:40

So as not to dripfeed, I have a tense relationship with my identical twin sister. We said we'd work on it. I am trying, but when I think she is difficult on purpose, I sometimes get dragged in. She now lives in another country.

She usually gets me useless/really cheap presents for Christmas with poor excuses of no time/money (she is fine for both regarding this subject). I make an effort to get her thoughtful things, and to be honest I find it really hurtful that she doesn't do the same, but I don't tell her this because it would go down like a lead balloon. I know if she really cared, she'd try harder, but she doesn't.

Anyway, I am therefore honestly prepared to be told I ABU because of my emotions.

So I am struggling with a cluttered house, and I said I'd like to give her a suggestion of what I'd like for Christmas. Because I don't want something that will cause me stress, and because I want to make it easy for her and not waste her money or time, and also probably because I want some indication that she cares.

In response she said she didn't want any suggestions or a list and that she'll get me what she wants. I said fine, but please don't get me something decorative and get me something useful. I gave her 5 very broad categories as a suggestion. She then got angry, said I'd ruined it, and that gift giving is about choosing something for someone and not about what they want. I see her point to some extent, but if a friend said to me that they'd like something useful and not clutter, I certainly wouldn't be offended and I'd listen to them. Because giving a gift is about making someone happy! I want to save her time and money by giving her easy suggestions but she refuses and says I'm mean and selfish for wanting to do this.

Honestly to me it feels like it's all about power, asserting control, and not wanting to spend money or time on me. I don't think she genuinely cares about getting me something that I want, and that makes me really sad.

And just to clarify, it's not really about a gift or an object. It's about how I feel my feelings are valued and what I mean to her.

YABU - it's about her choice regardless of my broad requests or feelings.
YANBU - she should want me to be happy, and should listen to my feelings and resect them.

I know this sounds super petty and not everyone will get the twin dynamic, so I'm bracing myself. I suppose I want to know what 'normal' people would do. If your friend said the same to you, or your mother, how would it go?

OP posts:

MysteriousMonkey · 09/12/2021 18:44

Honestly from everything you've said I'd be telling her I don't want to do gifts anymore. Tell her you're struggling with a cluttered house and you can't risk Christmas making it worse so won't do presents anymore. Tell her to put the money she would have spent on you towards something nice fore herself and enter into no further discussion.

trickytrudy · 09/12/2021 18:51

Give it to a charity shop and make yourself feel better about the situation that way?

Original poster

yellowcourgette · 09/12/2021 18:51

I think that's a good idea, or suggest donating to charity instead. Although I expect the response to that would be that we would then know what we were each spending or something else.

I think deep down I just want her to listen to me and think about my feelings instead of hers. I know that sounds selfish.

OP posts:

PooWillyNameChange · 09/12/2021 18:52

It depends how broad your categories are. Personally I don't see the point when my mum asks me for a Garmin watch (exact model) and I request a specific thing. We may as well buy ourselves something. If your categories were "a kitchen gadget" or " a new cookbook" at least there is room for choosing (which it sounds like you did).

Honestly though, twins or not, I'd be backing off as the relationship sounds very difficult.

bloodyhoodedeyes · 09/12/2021 18:54

Just stop doing gifts, I stopped with my sister about 10 years ago when she moved overseas I was making efforts spending on postage she wasn't bothering. So I just messaged and said let's make this easy don't buy for each other or the kids.

Stress free!

HangOnToYourself · 09/12/2021 18:58

I do think it's a bit rude to specify what gift you want if not asked, you may as well just demand cash from someone and buy it yourself. For me gifts are about putting thought into what a person would like and choosing something you think will make them happy

KirstenBlest · 09/12/2021 18:59

My sibling was like that. I was told that I would get what DSib wanted to give me. I had suggested something useful costing less than £10. I got stuff that was of no use to me and that I didn't want. That was the last time we exchanged presents

You want to give something that will delight the recipient.
Your sister wants to give you something she thinks you should have.

1FootInTheRave · 09/12/2021 19:04

Just stop the gifts altogether?

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 09/12/2021 19:08

I stopped buying for my siblings years ago. I still buy for their kids (even though they're adults) but we were just spending money on shit the other person didn't want so it got stupid. I give their kids cash now too.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 09/12/2021 19:10

I think your YABU/YANBU choices are a bit off and not a fair representation of the situation.

I also don't like it when people say they know people are fine for time and money, especially if you don't even live in the same country, you can't possible know.

That said, you don't like each other. Nothing says you have to just because you are related so I would just give it a miss. Don't exchange presents and certainly don't get worked up about what she buys you. Donate it to charity if you don't want it, she'll never know.

Sparklfairy · 09/12/2021 19:12

gift giving is about choosing something for someone and not about what they want

I'm sorry but this is the most bonkers thing I've read in a long time!

KirstenBlest · 09/12/2021 19:15

I agree. I was getting things that would sit in a drawer then would be dropped off at the charity shop.

Peanutmnm · 09/12/2021 19:15

I think you overstepped considering the relationship you actually have. You need to behave based on that, not the relationship you wished you have. She will just dig in an disappoint you. So let these sorts of things go and just accept that you are different and either one or both of you have chips on your shoulders.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/12/2021 19:18

I think saying “let’s not buy for each other any more/ let’s give to charity instead” would work well here

KirstenBlest · 09/12/2021 19:19

@trickytrudy

Give it to a charity shop and make yourself feel better about the situation that way?

Yes, great. You spend a fortune on presents and the charity shop gets £3 from selling your unwanted gift.

LethargicActress · 09/12/2021 19:23

It’s really rude to contact someone to tell them ideas of things you would accept as a Christmas present. Especially if you’re then going to pretend it’s all about wanting to help her as if you’re doing her a favour.

Original poster

yellowcourgette · 09/12/2021 19:25

@HangOnToYourself and @PooWillyNameChange I really haven't specified what I would like because she told me not to do this. So as example, I would like/need some bike lights, but I said 'you know I like cycling and X and X and X so maybe something to do with that'. I am trying to respect her wishes by not giving her a list, but she is refusing to budge at all by having any vague suggestions.

@GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat I find it really hard to believe her when it would actually save her time if I suggested a specific thing with a link (I haven't done this). And she is fine for money, she just doesn't want to spend it on me, and I know that. And it hurts.

@Peanutmnm I want to change our relationship, and I thought she did too, which is why I'm really disappointed and upset by this exchange. I just want to say 'heyy this would make me happy' and for her to go 'oh yaaay I want to make you happy!' instead of 'but I don't care what makes you happy, I want to do what I want to do regardless and if that doesn't make you happy then you're a bitch'

OP posts:

JetRocket · 09/12/2021 19:25

Honestly OP it does sound petty and I wonder what you’re actually getting out of your relationship with you twin, other than intensity and anxiety!

Why not just buy her something cheap and shit, post it, avoid as much contact as possible the rest of the year (shouldn’t be hard given she lives abroad) and get on with your life xx

coconutpie · 09/12/2021 19:30

I would stop doing gifts with her altogether.

Original poster

yellowcourgette · 09/12/2021 19:30

@LethargicActress

I appreciate that it could come across as that way, which is why I'm asking. I didn't disguise it as helping her, I said that I am anxious about cluttering my house, and I would like something useful. It's obviously more complicated that that. On both sides I suppose we are testing things.

In the past we have given each other lists. She's decided she doesn't want to do this now. However she will happily give me ideas if I ask her, because I want to get her something she wants.

OP posts:

Original poster

yellowcourgette · 09/12/2021 19:33

@JetRocket we have had horrific times when I have nearly cut the cord. I think she has had several mental breakdowns. I have posted about our relationship before. But the idea of losing my twin, particularly when our parents are getting old and we will inevitably have to work together to help them/deal with it, is something I can't bear.

I want her to have an epiphany, and I thought we were getting there, which is why this exchange makes me really sad.

OP posts:

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 09/12/2021 19:38

Personally, I love a list. But then, I do hate wasting money and would rather spend £200 on something the person needed than £20 on some crap that's going to the charity shop.

I don't think you're unreasonable in the slightest.

Lolalovesmarmite · 09/12/2021 19:39

I understand the twin dynamic. You will never get what you want from her (affection/care/mutual respect). You can either accept that and maintain a relationship with strong personal boundaries so that you don’t get hurt when she behaves like a dick or you can let the relationship slide to minimal contact. That probably sounds quite callous but it comes from having spent my entire life watching my twin sisters. Some twin relationships are wonderful, others can have a very dysfunctional power dynamic. It’s heartbreaking to watch.

I hope that you can find equilibrium.

LondonJax · 09/12/2021 19:40

I've not exchanged Christmas gifts with my sisters for 20 years. We decided that we'd spend the 'extra' money on each others kids, our own kids and partners and some extra treats for the table or a couple of nice shows, trips out etc.,

When each child reaches 21 that marks the year of the final Christmas gift for them from their aunties. My nephew came up with that idea when I sent him a gift and he later said 'this is daft, you're a SAHM and I'm earning and you're spending money on me. I appreciate the present but please spend on DS rather than me!' So the next year I did!

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 09/12/2021 19:41

Bite your tongue and have a charity bag at the ready...
No stress if you shove the gift straight into the bag..

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