Christmas present requests - AIBU?

[yellowcourgette]

So as not to dripfeed, I have a tense relationship with my identical twin sister. We said we'd work on it. I am trying, but when I think she is difficult on purpose, I sometimes get dragged in. She now lives in another country.

She usually gets me useless/really cheap presents for Christmas with poor excuses of no time/money (she is fine for both regarding this subject). I make an effort to get her thoughtful things, and to be honest I find it really hurtful that she doesn't do the same, but I don't tell her this because it would go down like a lead balloon. I know if she really cared, she'd try harder, but she doesn't.

Anyway, I am therefore honestly prepared to be told I ABU because of my emotions.

So I am struggling with a cluttered house, and I said I'd like to give her a suggestion of what I'd like for Christmas. Because I don't want something that will cause me stress, and because I want to make it easy for her and not waste her money or time, and also probably because I want some indication that she cares.

In response she said she didn't want any suggestions or a list and that she'll get me what she wants. I said fine, but please don't get me something decorative and get me something useful. I gave her 5 very broad categories as a suggestion. She then got angry, said I'd ruined it, and that gift giving is about choosing something for someone and not about what they want. I see her point to some extent, but if a friend said to me that they'd like something useful and not clutter, I certainly wouldn't be offended and I'd listen to them. Because giving a gift is about making someone happy! I want to save her time and money by giving her easy suggestions but she refuses and says I'm mean and selfish for wanting to do this.

Honestly to me it feels like it's all about power, asserting control, and not wanting to spend money or time on me. I don't think she genuinely cares about getting me something that I want, and that makes me really sad.

And just to clarify, it's not really about a gift or an object. It's about how I feel my feelings are valued and what I mean to her.

YABU - it's about her choice regardless of my broad requests or feelings.
YANBU - she should want me to be happy, and should listen to my feelings and resect them.

I know this sounds super petty and not everyone will get the twin dynamic, so I'm bracing myself. I suppose I want to know what 'normal' people would do. If your friend said the same to you, or your mother, how would it go?

If she lives in another country and has to post your gift, she has probably already bought it.

Which may be why she got annoyed with you and said you had ruined it.
It was probably not something on your category list. It was probably in the category of things you said you didn't want.

So I think YABU in that respect, perhaps you left it a bit late to mention this?
But also YANBU to probably say maybe knock gifts on the head from now on.

Or just give it to charity if it isn't something you want to keep.

My parents are visiting for Christmas, plus we usually just order online and post direct. It's not really about money, or time, or convenience. For me it's about wanting her to acknowledge my feelings and be positive and want to make me happy. I'm sad that she can't do that with something that objectively is actually supposed to about me.

If you know someone is getting you a present I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all to make suggestions to them. Stops them wasting their money on unwanted stuff. But agree that it might be best just to stop doing gifts altogether if possible.

Thanks everyone. I appreciate that this isn't everyone's idea of how to do Christmas and there's a whole ocean of understory to this. I just keep feeling hurt by her, and I just can't let it go or let her go. Such a shit situation and something that I can't even properly acknowledge or I'll never stop crying!!

Oh Yellow I read a lot of pain in your OP and follow up messages. It's not about Christmas is it - it seems there's a lifetime of complicated relationship with your sister at work here and it's about feeling terribly let down by her and disappointed that your relationship is not what it should be.

But the sad truth is that you can't change her and you can't fix the relationship if she is not on board.

You could potentially talk it through with her (the relationship that is, not the presents!) but there's obviously the risk that you won't hear what you want, and it could leave you even more hurt.

Maybe it's time to accept the relationship for what it is, and to focus on fulfillment in your life that doesn't come from her. I can't imagine as identical twins your lives have been completely entwined and maybe you need to disentangle them and focus on your own wellbeing.

Good luck

OP, you said no longer exchanging presents was a good idea, is this something you will do?

I think if you keep getting her thoughtful presents you are just playing into her hands.

Either stop doing the presents or get her something for a fiver or tenner.

You just have to lower your expectations and start seeing the situation for what it is.

You want to have a better relationship with your sister, but the reality is, the two of you don't naturally get on. So, the only way to have a better relationship is to be much more accepting of each other's differences and the fact you don't really 'get' each other. Avoid making demands about what kind of Christmas present you'd like, or anything else. Keep in mind that she may well find you as frustrating and incomprehensible as you find her, plus the fact she appears to have had quite a few problems of her own.

In short, reduce contact, take her as she is, don't expect too much and don't offer too much. Give up on the idea of suddenly having a brilliant relationship, it isn't going to happen, but you might be able to maintain a low level family connection.

Those who say I won't have the relationship I want I think sadly are right. I've told her that I don't want to do presents, it won't go down well but I can't be dealing with the hurt and stress. I honestly don't know why everything has to be such hard work. It doesn't help that Christmas this year is going to be absolutely shit, as it was last year. I suppose I am looking for her and my family in general to actively give a shit about me over Christmas without me having to beg for it and I'm realising that this isn't going to happen.

@KirstenBlest what else is the OP meant to do if her Sister won't listen? Her money wouldn't be wasted then, her loss.

@yellowcourgette I'm sorry to hear that OP. Do you have good friends around?

I think you've made right decisions about stopping the presents debacle.

@tallduckandhandsome I do, but Christmas is going to be difficult. Probably moreso than last year. I am just really sad that were falling out AGAIN. It's like she wants the drama and something to be upset at me for. If there is the slightest chance to spin something so that I'm being mean or selfish or whatever she will take that view and we'll fall out.

I'm not even mentioning the fact that theast 5 years I've spent close to £100 on her each year and she's bought me the most useless crap. One time it didn't turn up until February because she did eBay China with the ridiculous postage (it was a common item that she could have spent a little more on to be shipped from the UK) and one year it didn't even turn up for the same reason.

I'm just really sad. I just feel really overlooked and forgotten by my family this Christmas, I know that's a bit woe me but last year my mental health was very bad.

When I try and stick up for myself or say something I get yelled at like a child. Last night my mum promised me a bit of a pamper evening, but she changed her mind and drank wine instead, and when I mentioned it I'm the selfish one for not considering that's she's tired. She didn't even give me a chance because she did all of this in her head and I'm not a mind reader. And of course mindlessly flicking through the TV is more important than a conversation or playing a game or any sort of interaction.

My sister (2 years older) is the same. I think these things stem from childhood, she resented that I am the youngest and even now we're in our late 30s she uses the slightest pretext to give me silent treatment for months or scream at me.

I've had to go NC for my own sanity. I can imagine it must be harder with a twin. Why do you think she's like this? What helped me was accepting that the issue was my sister, that there is nothing I can do to change her.

@trickytrudy, I just tell people I don't do presents.

They are normally ok about it, but some idiots believe that I say it because I mean 'I want a present'.

Roll on Christmas Day, I am presented with a parcel, containiing something I neither want or need, often bought in a hurry on Christmas Eve or in a sweep of I need x number of generic female gifts'