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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My partner did not get the job he applied for

35 replies

PedestalFan · 09/12/2021 07:33

and prepared really hard for. And I am absolutely crushed for him. But I cannot show it.

I feel so bad for him. :(

OP posts:

IgneousRock · 09/12/2021 07:34

Ah that's really tough OP. Hope he finds something soon.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/12/2021 07:35

But I cannot show it.

Why not? Am sure he would appreciate some support.

Original poster

PedestalFan · 09/12/2021 07:35

I don't want him to feel I am disappointed he did not get the job.

OP posts:

AnFiaRuaNua · 09/12/2021 07:35

Ive been through this 3 timesin 13 months, itstough, but dont try and do the emotional labour for him. Im a single parent to 2 teens, really could have done with more money and with nobody to lean on or confide in really, i just got on with it. Its not like i lost my job

AnFiaRuaNua · 09/12/2021 07:36

You can empathise with his disappointment surely?

Darkpheonix · 09/12/2021 07:38

I get not wanting hin to feel disappointed. But you can't stop that, nor should you.

People have to feel these things. Emotions can't ways be positive.

You just need to support him.

Darkpheonix · 09/12/2021 07:39

I would agree showing him you are absolutely crushed for him probably instead a good idea.

This is his disappointment. Him feeling bad that it made you feel crushed, probably won't help.

NashvilleQueen · 09/12/2021 07:40

Is he currently in work? If so was the new job in the same place?

You can say you're disappointed for him but then perhaps offer some practical advice. Can he get feedback from the panel to improve the next time he goes for an interview? If it's an internal post are there things he can do to put himself in a better place next time and how can he access those opportunities? If it was in a new company then he needs to keep on looking but try and get the feedback to help him next time.

Sometimes it happens and it's crushing at the time but he will bounce back. Best not to keep going over it but use as a springboard for a more focussed job/promotion search.

Original poster

PedestalFan · 09/12/2021 07:43

Is he currently in work? If so was the new job in the same place?

Yes, he is currently working. The job is in a different place. He passed all the stages, but someone else got the job who is apparently stronger in one area.

OP posts:

SnoopsCaliforniaRoll · 09/12/2021 07:45

That's such a shame, it is so disappointing especially when so much time and effort has been invested. Sometimes job hunting is a numbers game - you need a healthy pipeline of opportunities. Does your DP have any other irons in the fire they can focus on?

SnoopsCaliforniaRoll · 09/12/2021 07:47

The thing is, you are not disappointed in him - you are disappointed that he was not offered a job after all the preparation, and knowing that he is a solid candidate. It's fine to share disappointment, especially given that you clearly are very proud of him.

Original poster

PedestalFan · 09/12/2021 07:50

Yeah I do not want him to lose pride in himself. I'm very proud of him and he's a very intelligent man. That's why I feel so crushed that he did not get this job.

OP posts:

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 09/12/2021 08:17

Oh gosh your poor DH ...it is soul destroying when you don't get that job.
I would do something little to let him know you feel for him....maybe cook his fave dinner (assuming you are cooking today!). Validate his feelings then help him with his next application.

gannett · 09/12/2021 08:24

@PedestalFan

Yeah I do not want him to lose pride in himself. I'm very proud of him and he's a very intelligent man. That's why I feel so crushed that he did not get this job.

Tell him this - I think at times like this, what people want to hear is that someone has confidence in their skill/intelligence/quality.

M0rT · 09/12/2021 08:26

Do tell him you are disappointed for him, don't start offering ways to improve as that implies you think he needs improving.
Let him know how highly you think of him and how much you wanted him to get the job, you love him and maybe this is his sliding doors moment and the next job he goes for and gets will be even better?

CornishGem1975 · 09/12/2021 08:31

I've just been through this myself, so I know how he is feeling. Just bolster as much as possible, remind him that maybe it wasn't the right thing and that there is something great out there for him. Tell him what you've told us - that you're very proud of the intelligent man he is.

FrappuccinoLight · 09/12/2021 09:01

C’est la vie. It happens to us all and will build resilience and a realistic attitude about job competition going forward. He needs to move on…

FrappuccinoLight · 09/12/2021 09:03

There are loads of people out there with no job at all…he should instead count his blessings that he is not out of work over Christmas. Harsh but true.

PurpleDaisies · 09/12/2021 09:05

I’m sure he feels disappointed. I don’t know why you saying you’re sad for him makes him lose pride in himself.

PurpleDaisies · 09/12/2021 09:07

@FrappuccinoLight

C’est la vie. It happens to us all and will build resilience and a realistic attitude about job competition going forward. He needs to move on…

This is such an unhelpful response.

It’s totally normal to feel disappointed if something if you worked hard for doesn’t come off. You don’t have to immediately move on. Resilient people are allowed to also feel sad sometimes.

Shedmistress · 09/12/2021 09:09

They usually interview 3 or 4 people minimum, so there is always more chance that people won't get the job they applied and interviewed for.

My advice is to ask for specific feedback and then use it and apply for it next time.

Carpetdrought · 09/12/2021 09:10

You can’t look at this as a failure, someone else was just a better fit. I’ve applied for 10 jobs and had nine long interview processes and fine, it wasn’t the right fit. But Better that than you join the wrong company. The right thing will come along

HowBad · 09/12/2021 09:11

I applied for and didn't get three jobs between about April - September. Soul destroying. I did, however, randomly apply for another job in under half an hour on a Sunday night in October and went and got that one! It's genuinely far better than any of the other jobs too. Whilst this sucks, there is a new role out there for him, and like mine, might be an even better one. He's primed and ready for interview at the moment and that kind of prep and experience is always good to have. Try and remind him of that, whilst also letting him be down in the dumps for a bit.

gannett · 09/12/2021 09:26

The thing with job rejections is that it's really, really hard not to take it personally - like they've judged you, your intelligence and qualities, and decided you're lacking.

But it's not personal. It's one role with lots of applicants and there are so many reasons someone else got it. Some will be good reasons - they were simply better qualified or more experienced. Some will be bad reasons - they had contacts in the company to get their foot in the door. All of it stings. The thing you have to hold on to is that you are still talented, skilled, intelligent, capable of getting the next job along, or the one after that. Easier said than done but you have to hold on to your confidence.

CurzonDax · 09/12/2021 09:43

Oh, I'm sorry to hear this. It really is an awful feeling when you don't get a job, especially after numerous interview stages.

You sound lovely and supportive of him though. Unfortunately, that is all you can do.

Remind him of how proud you are of him, and how great he must be to get through so many stages, and to pick himself up and keep looking for similar.

In the meantime, plan something nice for this weekend - even a takeaway and bottle of wine to share - just something to congratulate him on well he has done, and to remind him that you will support him when he keeps going for more.

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