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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don't want to go to bed with him.

51 replies

butterupbuttercup · 08/12/2021 20:55

Husband stayed up all last night, was still up when I left for work at 7am.

I got home from work at 6pm, house is a mess, he's left food packets all over the kitchen, spilt wine on the floor and the back door was ajar, so unsafe and also freezing. He's still asleep now.

This happens every few months or so. I'm so fed up with it. The likelihood now is that he'll sleep right through til tomorrow morning.

I can't face going and sharing a bed with him tonight. Am I being ridiculous/unreasonable to sleep on the sofa instead? Cutting my nose off to spite my face?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 08/12/2021 20:57

Why does he do it? Is he an alcoholic? Doesn’t he work?

It sounds grim. You don’t have to live like this.

Notimeforaname · 08/12/2021 20:59

He does it because you allow it. He needs to do that away from the home or not at all. You shouldn't accept that.

ChaToilLeam · 08/12/2021 21:00

I take it he was on an absolute bender.

Original poster
butterupbuttercup · 08/12/2021 21:00

Yes, functioning alcholic, but totally in denial about it.

He works but picks and chooses his hours and contracts, so no schedule to stick to.

He says things like 'I know I should have gone to bed earlier' but never actually acts on it.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 08/12/2021 21:02

Well look, you're communicating to him that it's fine. He does it when he feels like it .

So you either put him out every time he does it or you leave for good.

The only other alternative is to accept it and learn to cope with living that way.

Vapeyvapevape · 08/12/2021 21:02

I wouldn’t want to be in the same house as him let alone the same bed.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/12/2021 21:03

Well yes you are cutting off your nose. You'll have an uncomfortable night amidst his mess.
I'd be waking him up

Original poster
butterupbuttercup · 08/12/2021 21:07

I make it clear each time that it's horrible and I hate it. Waking him hasn't worked in the past- he literally has ignored me, hidden under the covers, said he'd get up then just gone back to sleep again. Doesn't matter whether I get upset or angry or try to make him see what it does to me.

OP posts:
StoneofDestiny · 08/12/2021 21:18

Leave the mess as it is - don't clean up and stay with family or friends for a while until he gets in touch. Then discuss ways forward - he changes, gets help or you go your own ways. (Unless you feel like you can continue to live like this).

PinkiOcelot · 08/12/2021 21:38

Well you need to leave or make him leave. There’s no consequences to him acting this way so he carries on. I couldn’t live like this. Just waiting for the next episode.
Do yourself a favour, LTB. It’s no way to live.

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 08/12/2021 21:41

Does he clean up the mess? Or are you being a martyr and dojng that too?

Original poster
butterupbuttercup · 08/12/2021 21:43

Thanks everyone.

Sometimes I clean it, sometimes I leave it, but it can take him a few days to clear up. Telling him to do it just makes him dig his heels in even more.

Got mug written all over me... it never used to be this bad.

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 08/12/2021 21:49

Omg leave him.

helterskelters · 08/12/2021 21:51

Do you have children together? Every few months seems excessive. In our twenties my DH would get ridiculously drunk about once every year where he would either vomit/cry/pass out and even that was hard to cope with.

Original poster
butterupbuttercup · 08/12/2021 21:52

No, thankfully, no children. He's 50 and old enough to know better.

OP posts:
Freddiefox · 08/12/2021 21:56

@butterupbuttercup

I make it clear each time that it's horrible and I hate it. Waking him hasn't worked in the past- he literally has ignored me, hidden under the covers, said he'd get up then just gone back to sleep again. Doesn't matter whether I get upset or angry or try to make him see what it does to me.
He doesn’t respect you, what ever he’s saying his actions are speaking much louder. Listen to him.
helterskelters · 08/12/2021 21:57

Honestly I don't think I could cope with that. At least when we were in our twenties it was a sociable night out and he just didn't know his limits. What you're describing is as you've said, a functioning alcoholic who's completely in denial. And because you've accepted it there's no motivation to change

Cheerbear24 · 08/12/2021 21:57

I would want to leave him to his own mess now.
It’s pretty bad if he’s passed out on the floor with the door open. It sounds like a scene of total destruction ☹️

Original poster
butterupbuttercup · 08/12/2021 22:00

@Cheerbear24, it's not quite as bad as that. In some ways, that would be easier to deal with.

It's just the mess he's wilfully left behind, plus being on my own yet again for another night. He managed to get to bed fine.

OP posts:
missymousey · 08/12/2021 22:04

This is awful. I wouldn't want to share a bed with that either. Never mind the sofa, can you go to a hotel? If not, take his duvet with you to the sofa and open your bedroom windows. Why should he have a comfy place to sleep?

peboh · 08/12/2021 22:14

Do you have friends or family you could stay with for a couple of days? Or a hotel near by?
It's time he starts to see consequences to his actions. Waking up alone in a shithole, with his wife refusing to stay at their home could at least be the start of a wake up call.

BridStar · 08/12/2021 22:14

You've no kids. Disentangling your lives won't be ready but won't be impossible.

You must imagine sometimes how much happier you'd be without an alcoholic in your life.

CheshireChat · 08/12/2021 22:17

Honestly I'd sleep on the couch if you're not uncomfortable on it as otherwise I couldn't sleep because of the raging resentment.

And yes, I'd get rid.

Ellie56 · 08/12/2021 22:22

Yes stay on the sofa and if you can't sleep, use the time to plan how you're going to dump this complete wanker and waste of space.

You can do better than this. You deserve better too.

SarahDippity · 08/12/2021 22:24

This is no way to live. I’d be looking to end it Flowers

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