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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don't want to go to bed with him.

51 replies

butterupbuttercup · 08/12/2021 20:55

Husband stayed up all last night, was still up when I left for work at 7am.

I got home from work at 6pm, house is a mess, he's left food packets all over the kitchen, spilt wine on the floor and the back door was ajar, so unsafe and also freezing. He's still asleep now.

This happens every few months or so. I'm so fed up with it. The likelihood now is that he'll sleep right through til tomorrow morning.

I can't face going and sharing a bed with him tonight. Am I being ridiculous/unreasonable to sleep on the sofa instead? Cutting my nose off to spite my face?

OP posts:
AngelonTopoftheTree · 08/12/2021 22:28

Yanbu, and Yanbu to leave him. I couldn't live like that.

Mojoj · 08/12/2021 22:32

This will just get worse. You're only enabling his behaviour. He's an alcoholic who'll always choose drink over you. Get out now and take control.

godmum56 · 08/12/2021 22:41

My first LTB. Why do you stay?

TrishM80 · 08/12/2021 22:59

Sounds like he needs help.

Original poster
butterupbuttercup · 08/12/2021 23:19

What kind of help would you suggest, @TrishM80?

I swing between blaming myself for 'enabling' him, feeling like I'm being self-centred for getting annoyed with it, and being so angry and hurt that he doesn't think there's anything wrong with what he's doing.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 08/12/2021 23:26

No children? I would be off like a flash. No way would I spend my precious life with a man like that.

Glitterandunicorns · 08/12/2021 23:45

@butterupbuttercup can I suggest you check out Al-Anon? They're an organisation who help families of alcoholics.

This isn't your fault. He is choosing to behave in this way. It doesn't sound like a happy way for you to live though.

I'll echo the others who have suggested you leave. Respectfully, I can't imagine things will improve with his behaviour and it already doesn't sound good.

Best of luck, OP.

smoko · 09/12/2021 01:13

I wouldn't want to share my life with someone like that

Sparklfairy · 09/12/2021 01:17

functioning alcoholic

Doesnt sound very functioning to me Hmm this doesn't get better. You need to look at leaving.

Offmyfence · 09/12/2021 04:12

He won't change if nothing changes.

Leave him, let him decide if he then wants to change.

AnyFucker · 09/12/2021 04:25

That is not the behaviour of a “functioning” alcoholic

Aquamarine1029 · 09/12/2021 04:51

You need to figure out why your standards are so low and why you allow yourself to live with such a useless, disgusting excuse for an adult. This is a horrible way to live, and you have no reason to continue to live this way.

milkyaqua · 09/12/2021 05:03

He is an alcoholic, not a functioning alcoholic. That is not functioning. How awful for you, but there you are. It is not wrong to want better than this.

Hidehi4 · 09/12/2021 05:14

He’s not a functional alcoholic he is a alcoholic. This will only get worse pack your bags and leave as this will become all your fault. You don’t need to live like this unless you want to then you will have to deal with everything that happens.

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 09/12/2021 05:24

Yes leaving the door open and passing out for nearly 24 hrs doesn't really seem very functional ... how often does he do this? Sending a hug & I hope you got some sleep whether upstairs, downstairs or if you decided to head elsewhere for the night Thanks

BatshitCrazyWoman · 09/12/2021 05:38

He's sounding a lot like my ex-husband. There's nothing you can do to change him, OP. He has to want to do that for himself, and do the work.

I would make plans to leave. Don't let him blame you for not 'helping' him to stop drinking (like my twatty ex did Hmm )

AlphabetAerobics · 09/12/2021 05:40

Where’s the joy in your life?

What stood out for me is that despite all of his shoddy behaviour, your biggest gripe seemed to be “yet another night on my own”.

You won’t spontaneously combust if you buy a meal for one - or even just serve crackers on cheese 7 nights a week.

There are far, far worse things than being single.

Living with an alcoholic who brings misery to your home for one.

daisychain01 · 09/12/2021 05:41

@butterupbuttercup

No, thankfully, no children. He's 50 and old enough to know better.
Definitely make plans to leave. You'll feel years younger.
Camembear · 09/12/2021 06:35

I wouldn’t want to go to bed with him either op. He sounds like a no-hoper.

Fatarseflanagan09 · 09/12/2021 06:42

I wouldn’t live with an alcoholic, he doesn’t want to change and he won’t get help because it’s too much of an inconvenience for him, he’s fifty years old and you’re running yourself ragged looking after him, I understand that he’s your husband but he’s abusing you and you’re letting him so he’s no reason to change, get rid of him because you only have one life, don’t waste it on a lazy scruffy drunken arsehole because somewhere down the line you’ll look back on your life and realize that you’ve wasted it on him when it could have been so much better.

pilates · 09/12/2021 06:50

Would he go to AA?

Original poster
butterupbuttercup · 09/12/2021 08:17

Thanks everyone. I guess I think he’s functioning, because he never seems to be actually drunk, despite drinking a lot.

I slept on the sofa. He got up just as I was setting off for work and had to ask why I was angry. Someone said he was a no hoper and that’s hope it feels.

Really appreciate your honesty, everyone. The poster who picked up on ‘another night on my own’, it’s less about being alone, which I actually need and enjoy, but the loneliness of having someone physically in the house but rarely actually present, either because he’s in bed, or he’s mentally away.

OP posts:
Original poster
butterupbuttercup · 09/12/2021 08:17

Oh, and no. He won’t entertain any therapy at all.

OP posts:
AngelonTopoftheTree · 09/12/2021 08:39

Oh buttercup this is so sad 😞 Don't live your life like this! You say he 50's, so I guess you're around the same or younger - you have your whole life to live, don't spent it miserable for the next 20/30 years. Is there anyone you can confide in, anywhere you can go stay for a while? Take care of yourself Flowers

Original poster
butterupbuttercup · 09/12/2021 08:55

Thanks, Angel. I’m mid-30s, so plenty of life left in me :)

One of my friends knows, but she can’t put me up. I’m paying most of the bills and all the mortgage so would need to tell him to leave.

OP posts: