Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU?

43 replies

Twinning2021 · 08/12/2021 16:34

Hi all, just venting really.
So ive been with my boyfriend for just over a year, he lives with his elderly mother.
He drops me when his mum wants him for anything. We used to spend almost every night together but this has now deminished to where i dont see him half as much as i used to.
He tells me he loves me and sees a future with me but his family will always come first.
I am having huge doubts regarding the future of our relationship.
We cant make plans Incase his mother needs him.
I just feel like im bottom priority and any time i try to speak to him about how i feel he gets very angry and thinks im telling him what to do.
Should i leave the relationship now, as his mother could still live another 10-15 years and i feel i will always come second to her demands?

OP posts:
CloudyStorms · 08/12/2021 16:35

If you can't accept his arrangement with his mother then yes leave him. You can't spend your years hoping she dies that's horrible.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 08/12/2021 16:36

Yes.

He’s shown you where his priorities lie and they’re not with you.

Even if he does love you and does she a future together his other commitments aren’t going to allow it.

I’d move on.

Shoxfordian · 08/12/2021 16:37

Don’t be second best to anyone else

MeltedButter · 08/12/2021 16:37

Why do you think they are "demands" rather than genuine needs?

girlmom21 · 08/12/2021 16:47

Imagine deciding to have a baby and being in labour and his mom needing a bottle of milk? No thanks.

JalfreziAtChristmas · 08/12/2021 16:58

Ugh, leave this man ASAP. His main relationship is clearly with his mum.

Original poster
Twinning2021 · 08/12/2021 17:03

@meltedbutter im a nurse, his mother is mobile and still perfectly capable of looking after herself.
He has other siblings,but seems they dont want to or wont help....

OP posts:
TuftyMarmoset · 08/12/2021 17:04

So he’s basically a carer for his elderly mum and you’re working out how long until she pops her clogs? Lovely.

CloudyStorms · 08/12/2021 17:06

@TuftyMarmoset

So he’s basically a carer for his elderly mum and you’re working out how long until she pops her clogs? Lovely.
Horrible isnt it
Keeping2ChevronsApart · 08/12/2021 17:08

[quote Twinning2021]@meltedbutter im a nurse, his mother is mobile and still perfectly capable of looking after herself.
He has other siblings,but seems they dont want to or wont help....[/quote]
So she does need help?

NeedsCharging · 08/12/2021 17:09

Is hus mum disabled/ill?

If so I can understand why she is his priority if he is her main carer. Sadly some siblings don't do their share but you cannot expect him to stop just because it doesn't suit you.

I think you should walk away as you are not mature enough for the relationship he needs.

Also if you are a nurse and are counting down the days till she dies you may want to find another proffession Hmm

Candycone · 08/12/2021 17:12

I don't think it is remotely horrible to be weighing up if this is the right relationship for you. dont feel guilty - it's kind of him to look after his mother and help her out but it doesnt mean that you should suck up coming second all the time.

Georgeskitchen · 08/12/2021 17:25

His mother sounds very demanding, if he's at her beck and call now while she is able to look after herself, how will it be if she becomes unable to? Get out now while you can!!

RedBonnet · 08/12/2021 17:25

What if he was the sole carer to a young child? Would you resent him putting the child's needs first? If so, then in future you need to choose a man with no dependents.

On the other hand, perhaps he is drawing back from you.

I once dated a man like this. He said he couldn't stay out overnight in case his disabled dad needed him (his mum was capable though). I dumped him when his work sent him away for a week!

Original poster
Twinning2021 · 08/12/2021 18:14

Can i add we are both in our 40s, so not young and children are all grown up and left home starting their own families.
We are both mature adults,
Certainly not a case of counting down the days at all. Im just stating that this is not only a temporary thing, and this could be my relationship for the next 10-15 years. Always coming second

OP posts:
Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 08/12/2021 18:15

Are you sure he is even with his dm?

Original poster
Twinning2021 · 08/12/2021 18:17

Yes as he remains in contact consistently and dosnt go off the grid so i have no reason to believe he is with another woman in this instance

OP posts:
StoneofDestiny · 08/12/2021 18:21

He prefers to be with his mum.

Ludo19 · 08/12/2021 18:28

Ooooaaafffftttt give mummy's boy the boot

Holly60 · 08/12/2021 19:16

He has laid out his position very clearly. He loves you but his family will come first. If you aren’t happy with this then you have to leave. You should not consider trying to change him- it wouldn’t be fair on him, as he is clearly happy as he is.

Astrak · 09/12/2021 19:08

When someone shows you who they are/where their priorities lie - believe them.

forrestgreen · 09/12/2021 19:14

What does she need him for? What's the level of need- sweets from the shop or picking up off the floor?

Natty13 · 09/12/2021 19:34

Frankly, his mum is his #1 and you are the other woman. The only thing he gets from you that he can't get off his mum is sex. Frankly, you would he foolish wasting your life away with a man who will never put you first.

missymayhemsmum · 09/12/2021 20:13

How do you get on with his mum, op? There are lots of couples who live with an elderly parent but they have to get along as a household of three. If you and his mum don't actually like each other and he feels he has to choose between you then you are on a hiding to nothing.

Original poster
Twinning2021 · 09/12/2021 20:14

@forrestgreen

What does she need him for? What's the level of need- sweets from the shop or picking up off the floor?
In all honesty i just think she is lonely and thinks of excuses to get him for company, shes fully mobile and capable of looking after herself, cooks big dinners etc, If she stubbed her toe and she phoned him,he would run to her care and not see me for days and cancel all plans,even takes days off work over things like that😳 its making me think we will never be able to live together cause he dosnt seem to be able to leave her on her own while she is capable, god knows what it will be like when she actually does need him for things when it gets to that point.
OP posts: