Page 2 | AIBU? | Mumsnet

Twinning2021 · 2021-12-08T16:34:29+00:00

Hi all, just venting really. So ive been with my boyfriend for just over a year, he lives with his elderly mother. He drops me when his mum wants him for anything. We used to spend almost every night together but this has now deminished to where i dont see him half as much as i used to. He tells me he loves me and sees a future with me but his family will always come first. I am having huge doubts regarding the future of our relationship. We cant make plans Incase his mother needs him. I just feel like im bottom priority and any time i try to speak to him about how i feel he gets very angry and thinks im telling him what to do. Should i leave the relationship now, as his mother could still live another 10-15 years and i feel i will always come second to her demands?

AcrossthePond55 · 09/12/2021 20:22

He's happy with the level of care/contact and so is his mum. That's their decision, they're entitled to it and he's made it clear where he stands. Not what I'd do but it is what it is.

All you can do is shut the door quietly behind him as you send him on his way.

Original poster

Twinning2021 · 09/12/2021 20:26

@missymayhemsmum

How do you get on with his mum, op? There are lots of couples who live with an elderly parent but they have to get along as a household of three. If you and his mum don't actually like each other and he feels he has to choose between you then you are on a hiding to nothing.

I have no problem with his mum. Although shes always saying how her other children have the cheek to be too busy with work or home life to do things for her. like drive her about when it takes her fancy, or do just small things that could wait until after work hours, she expects them to drop everything and when they wont she isnt best pleased. My partner always runs for her no matter what he is doing. I dont know what the future holds if i even hang about long enough to find out.

OP posts:

forrestgreen · 09/12/2021 20:52

She seems to have an unhealthy relationship with her son but they seem happy with it. You'll never compete, so I'd wave him off.

Original poster

Twinning2021 · 09/12/2021 21:00

@forrestgreen

She seems to have an unhealthy relationship with her son but they seem happy with it. You'll never compete, so I'd wave him off.

Thats what i had thought....... yet if i try to bring it up to him he gets angry and just says thats my mother, when she needs me i will be there. But i still love you and want you in my life long term

Actions speak louder and all that jazz. He convinced me i was being unreasonable My own mum has alot of health concerns, but she would not pester me or my siblings daily to do stupid things for her. When i say this i get accused of not loving my family. Its a lose lose situation i think at this point.

OP posts:

Darkpheonix · 09/12/2021 21:03

I think he has been clear with his priorities.

You need to take him at his word and make a decision on what you want to do now you know that.

Original poster

Twinning2021 · 09/12/2021 21:13

@Darkpheonix

I think he has been clear with his priorities.

You need to take him at his word and make a decision on what you want to do now you know that.

I think thats the case here completely. Its such a shame as he is genuinely a lovely man, very caring. Hence where his mum has him by the balls,so to speak, due to his caring nature. But im now wondering if this is why he was single in his 40s.... the fact he lived at home,never married or owned his own home etc should have sent alarm bells ringing from the very beginning, but i was obviously too blindsighted to see these red flags.

After seperating from a compulsive lier and cheat who couldn't help themselves for almost 20 years, you would think i would be more wise

OP posts:

JalfreziAtChristmas · 09/12/2021 21:47

I have no problem with his mum. Although shes always saying how her other children have the cheek to be too busy with work or home life to do things for her. like drive her about when it takes her fancy, or do just small things that could wait until after work hours, she expects them to drop everything and when they wont she isnt best pleased. My partner always runs for her no matter what he is doing. I dont know what the future holds if i even hang about long enough to find out

Oh god, she sounds awful! And he just puts up with it.. They are as bad as each other. You deserve to be number one in a relationship if there are no young children involved. Show him the way out.

Original poster

Twinning2021 · 09/12/2021 22:25

@JalfreziAtChristmas

I have no problem with his mum. Although shes always saying how her other children have the cheek to be too busy with work or home life to do things for her. like drive her about when it takes her fancy, or do just small things that could wait until after work hours, she expects them to drop everything and when they wont she isnt best pleased. My partner always runs for her no matter what he is doing. I dont know what the future holds if i even hang about long enough to find out

Oh god, she sounds awful! And he just puts up with it.. They are as bad as each other. You deserve to be number one in a relationship if there are no young children involved. Show him the way out.

Its almost as if he feels that since his father died 3 years ago,he now has to take his place or something along those lines? Which is really an unhealthy relationship. I cant see him ever putting me first even if if got to the point where we got married. He just cant see the wedge this is driving into our relationship. Once your kids are grown, you expect priorities to change, but in this case he is now filling the role of his father. You would think his mum would be happy for him,but it seems since he started spending more time with me the past 6 months she has became worse.

OP posts:

JalfreziAtChristmas · 09/12/2021 22:31

I would certainly say it's normal to be there more right after the death of one parent but after 3 years, things should have been back to normal for at least a year or two.

She has got worse because she feels she was losing her grip on him. This is really quite common in these unhealthy relationships between mother and son.

Honestly, do not let this go further. For someone on the outside of this, this sounds like a relationship from hell.

Original poster

Twinning2021 · 09/12/2021 22:46

@JalfreziAtChristmas

I would certainly say it's normal to be there more right after the death of one parent but after 3 years, things should have been back to normal for at least a year or two.

She has got worse because she feels she was losing her grip on him. This is really quite common in these unhealthy relationships between mother and son.

Honestly, do not let this go further. For someone on the outside of this, this sounds like a relationship from hell.

Im really not entirely sure if there is maybe some guilt tripping going on, im not there on a daily basis to know the ins and outs, i can just go by what i actually witness. Sort of makes me wonder why none of her other children really bother with her, none of them have young children and live about 10 minutes drive from her and she never has a nice thing to say about any of them. When im with him,his phone constantly goes with messages from her, like she texts him more than i do. She does voluntary work for the church, 20 odd hours a week,so she is most definitely not frail elderly. Which is what frustates me the most.

OP posts:

JalfreziAtChristmas · 09/12/2021 23:10

I think it's pretty clear why they don't bother with her. Do you really want to stay in a relationship like this?

AcrossthePond55 · 09/12/2021 23:14

Thats what i had thought....... yet if i try to bring it up to him he gets angry and just says thats my mother, when she needs me i will be there. But i still love you and want you in my life long term

But it's really not your place to 'bring it up' to try and convince him of anything. You aren't married or (I assume) living together as a committed couple with shared finances/housing/debt. In essence, you have no real 'skin in the game', other than your own emotions, of course.

The only thing you should be doing is evaluating the situation 'as is' and either decide to put up with constant disruption of plans and being a 2nd class citizen or terminate the relationship. I know what I'd do.

daimbarsatemydogsbone · 09/12/2021 23:15

YABU not to put a proper title in.

Phoenix76 · 09/12/2021 23:40

I’m really sorry op, I can imagine that despite all this you’ve got quite strong feelings towards him. I am also in my forties (although in a settled relationship with the father of my two young dc).

If it were me, as hard as it would be, I would have to gently end that relationship. He wants to be with his mother and you will always be second best. It’s the choice he’s made (albeit it with strong encouragement from her), you don’t want to be spending the rest of the time waiting for things to change because they won’t, this is what your relationship will look like for the foreseeable. I’m 100% for adult children to support their parents (when in times of need) but this seems completely unusual to me and more than unhealthy.

I would be saying I understand that he “needs” to be there for his mother and will therefore not interfere with that and leave them to it.

LightSpeeds · 09/12/2021 23:45

There is some strong co-dependency going on there that they're both entirely happy with, and as she gets older and eventually ill/infirm, the situation will only get worse for you.

It will only work if you're happy to always come second to his mother, regardless of your needs.

I feel very sorry for you (please leave him because you're not his priority).

Dita73 · 10/12/2021 00:03

Ditch him immediately. The majority of men are mummy’s boys and it’s a pain in the arse which is why most of us don’t get on with our mother in laws but this is extreme. You’ll end up getting so aggravated by her you’ll hate her guts and you’ll really resent him. Move on

Original poster

Twinning2021 · 10/12/2021 00:09

@AcrossthePond55

Thats what i had thought....... yet if i try to bring it up to him he gets angry and just says thats my mother, when she needs me i will be there. But i still love you and want you in my life long term

But it's really not your place to 'bring it up' to try and convince him of anything. You aren't married or (I assume) living together as a committed couple with shared finances/housing/debt. In essence, you have no real 'skin in the game', other than your own emotions, of course.

The only thing you should be doing is evaluating the situation 'as is' and either decide to put up with constant disruption of plans and being a 2nd class citizen or terminate the relationship. I know what I'd do.

We have tried living together twice..... after a few weeks she begins saying shes sick and needs help So he goes back to stay temporarily, which becomes more permanent as she gets upset and sick as soon as he tells her he is going back to the home we shared. Its a vicious cycle it appears

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 10/12/2021 00:14

Well then, there you go. Why do you even have any questions as to whether or not you should end things? Of course you should.

Yes, it's a vicious cycle. So step away and leave them to it. Yes, you will be sad for awhile. But you'll soon realize you've dodged a nasty bullet.

So:
YABU to expect things to change.
YANBU to want more. But you aren't going to get it from him.