Horrible nickname in DDs Christmas cards

[BullFrogDog]

DD (12) came home with a Christmas card last week which read “to fat thing, merry Christmas from Ria x”
I asked why it said fat thing to which DD said this is just what this girl calls her and she has nicknames for everyone. I said it was a horrible thing to call someone but DD insisted she wanted the card displayed and I was asked not to make a fuss.

Since then 2 more cards have surfaced addressed to “Fat Thing” from different girls. I called the school, they have finally rang me back and said they spoke with DD and the girls involved and it transpired that this is a nickname for DD which she states she doesn’t mind. The teacher has banned the nickname and has instructed DD to inform her if anyone calls her it again.
Rightly or wrongly I’ve just had a quick look on her laptop and this name has been in use for months, at least as far back as the main lockdown.

AIBU to want to take it further or am I being OTT?

[ShinyHappyPoster]

You've already contacted the school and they've spoken to the girls, and told them not to use it again. There's nothing else for the school to do here.

Except as PPs have said, work on your DD's self-esteem and encourage her to be more open with you. You might need to be more on top of her social media and messaging so you can nip stuff like this in the bud sooner.

[hivemindneeded]

I had a teacher whose nn for me was Old Fat Thing. I told him it upset me and he said the joke was that I was not old or fat or a thing.

If your daughter isn't upset by it, I'd leave it. In an ideal world, kids wouldn't give demeaning names but the next best thing to that is to raise a child to absolutely not care if they do and for it to do zero damage to their sense of self worth. If she is at that stage, good for her.

But if she is chubby and self conscious about it, I'd have a word with teachers and ask them to look out for name calling.

[IncompleteSenten]

@Ubiquery

Op needs to let us know if her daughter is fat or not

Yeah, 90 minutes on this is still a fairly important detail that OP hasn't clarified

She most likely is but if the op has been on here more than 5 minutes she'll know how that will go!
Lots of supportive replies but an equal number of what do you expect, put her on a diet, this is your fault, fat people are sent from the devil and all that shit.

[dumdedumpop]

I'll be on the fence until the OP lets us know if her daughter is indeed overweight, and gives us an idea of what the other girls are nicknamed. Context is everything!

[Negligee]

@Ubiquery

Op needs to let us know if her daughter is fat or not

Yeah, 90 minutes on this is still a fairly important detail that OP hasn't clarified

What difference does it make what the OP's child's BMI is? If she is an overweight child, does it make the nickname more or less acceptable?

[minitree]

@Ubiquery

Op needs to let us know if her daughter is fat or not

Yeah, 90 minutes on this is still a fairly important detail that OP hasn't clarified

I believe we've all been had.

[mam0918]

Its not your place to step on your daughter's identity... she said she is fine with 'fat thing' and has relayed that multiple times maybe she ACTUALLY likes it.

My nickname was deemed offensive by some as frankly, they had dirty minds and it says more about them than me (Names Cat, the nickname was Pussy) they tried to forcibly 'stop it' and it didn't work because I overrode their 'offense' and its MY personal identity not theirs.

I'm a fully grown adult and still go affectionately by Pussy with several friends through choice and the only people who were disrespectful and bullying were those who tried to control my nickname against my wishes and who refuse to listen to me and acknowledge what I was telling them.

DH nickname as a teen was Shithead and he still uses it among his old friends and happily refers to himself as Shithead because 'hes the shit' with his old school mates... childish definitely but offensive no as only he has the right to be offended by a name used for himself.

If your daughter was upset or being bullied by these girls then that's a world of difference and you have every right to get the school involved and give out a warning but this legitimately sounds like an affectionate in joke between friends.

[Negligee]

@dumdedumpop

I'll be on the fence until the OP lets us know if her daughter is indeed overweight, and gives us an idea of what the other girls are nicknamed. Context is everything!

I'd be really surprised if the other girls are known as Spotty, Sarah Two-Chins, Cankles and Midget.

[minitree]

What difference does it make what the OP's child's BMI is? If she is an overweight child, does it make the nickname more or less acceptable?

If the OP's daughter is fat, the nickname is obviously unacceptable.

If the OP's daughter is stick thin, then it could be a friendly nickname in good humour. Much like my bean pole brother being called Fatty, and my absolutely gargantuan uncle being called Pixie.

Nuance.

[Hankunamatata]

I'm bloody shocked by response's. Its not ok to comments on someone's weight never mind a nickname. We wouldn't accept it amongst adults why the hell would you let vile pre teens get away with it

[Sparklfairy]

When we were teens our friendship group had a girl whose nickname was related to being a (fat) cow. It was some in joke in her family and said with affection at home. So when we met on first day of year 7 she said "hi I'm VaguelyInsultingNickname". We all thought it was cool in our little group and gave ourselves nicknames related to unattractive animals normally related to insults

[Negligee]

@minitree

What difference does it make what the OP's child's BMI is? If she is an overweight child, does it make the nickname more or less acceptable?

If the OP's daughter is fat, the nickname is obviously unacceptable.

If the OP's daughter is stick thin, then it could be a friendly nickname in good humour. Much like my bean pole brother being called Fatty, and my absolutely gargantuan uncle being called Pixie.

Nuance.

I really don't think nuance means what you think it means.

Or that, as I said above, that the rest of the OP's child's friendship gang is likely to consist of Spotty (because she has a glorious complexion), Cankles (because she has great legs) etc,

[Hankunamatata]

Or Op dd says she is ok as she is desperate to fit in - rather is xmas card with awful nickname than no xmas cards!

[TeaSoakedDisasterMagnet]

All those asking if she’s fat, why does it matter? It’s rude to comment or nickname on someone’s weight either way. It’s horrible and isn’t acceptable whether she’s fat, thin or even just average. Asking if she’s fat or saying it’s ok because she might be thin so it’s a joke is horrible, both are body shaming and fat phobic. Stop it!

[minitree]

Ok @Negligee you sound so uptight

[Queenoftheashes]

@mam0918 my nickname is shithead too!
I find it hilarious.
I know a Fatty. It’s short for Fatima.

[Arethechildreninbedyet]

Poor little thing :(

I was known as a similar acronym during late primary and I laughed along. I didn't necessarily see anything wrong with it. I was fat and ugly, no arguing but it's still a horrible thing to do.

It cut then and it hurts now. Regardless of her objections, it's still unkind and inappropriate. Which the name caller knows, you don't say fat thing nicely. Kids are bastards.

[mewkins]

My dd and her friends use all sorts of weird nicknames for each other. Some come from things they have watched, minecraft and random things at school. If you know the kids it is easier to tell how they are meant and received. I'd definitely talk to my dd a bit more about it all, where the name came from etc before going to the school.

[Arethechildreninbedyet]

@mam0918

Its not your place to step on your daughter's identity... she said she is fine with 'fat thing' and has relayed that multiple times maybe she ACTUALLY likes it.

My nickname was deemed offensive by some as frankly, they had dirty minds and it says more about them than me (Names Cat, the nickname was Pussy) they tried to forcibly 'stop it' and it didn't work because I overrode their 'offense' and its MY personal identity not theirs.

I'm a fully grown adult and still go affectionately by Pussy with several friends through choice and the only people who were disrespectful and bullying were those who tried to control my nickname against my wishes and who refuse to listen to me and acknowledge what I was telling them.

DH nickname as a teen was Shithead and he still uses it among his old friends and happily refers to himself as Shithead because 'hes the shit' with his old school mates... childish definitely but offensive no as only he has the right to be offended by a name used for himself.

If your daughter was upset or being bullied by these girls then that's a world of difference and you have every right to get the school involved and give out a warning but this legitimately sounds like an affectionate in joke between friends.

Is she fine with 'fat thing' or is she just wanting to fit in? Is she laughing along with it and or does she not want to make a scene?

Is it part of her 'identity' or does she not want to fess up to her mum how much it does upset her because she doesn't want to get her mates into trouble?

We don't call each other mean names, it's like rule 1 of nursery.

[BigSandyBalls2015]

Wait until she gets to 15/16 and have a look at her phone ... some of the things teens call each other are

[CSJobseeker]

@TeaSoakedDisasterMagnet

All those asking if she’s fat, why does it matter? It’s rude to comment or nickname on someone’s weight either way. It’s horrible and isn’t acceptable whether she’s fat, thin or even just average. Asking if she’s fat or saying it’s ok because she might be thin so it’s a joke is horrible, both are body shaming and fat phobic. Stop it!

But you have no idea how the joke arose. It could well be an in-joke that she's in on and totally fine with. She may have even instigated it herself. Nicknames come about in weird ways sometimes.

[AwaAnBileYerHeid]

In primary school, we had pretty brutal nicknames for each other, but it was mainly in jest. I'm not saying that's what this is, but just something to bear in mind.

[Benjispruce5]

I hope you raising it doesn’t now cause your DD to be frozen out of her friendship group. How does your DD feel about you doing that? If she’s glad or relieve then it’s likely you were right but it could have been an inside joke between them. What are the other nicknames? Is your Dd overweight ? I’m asking that as if she’s obviously not, the nickname has less attached to it.

[SirChenjins]

I'd be really surprised if the other girls are known as Spotty, Sarah Two-Chins, Cankles and Midget

I’m five foot one - guess what my nickname was at school? It’s OK, we’re genuinely still friends 41 years later - and I had my own names for them…