Horrible nickname in DDs Christmas cards

[BullFrogDog]

DD (12) came home with a Christmas card last week which read “to fat thing, merry Christmas from Ria x”
I asked why it said fat thing to which DD said this is just what this girl calls her and she has nicknames for everyone. I said it was a horrible thing to call someone but DD insisted she wanted the card displayed and I was asked not to make a fuss.

Since then 2 more cards have surfaced addressed to “Fat Thing” from different girls. I called the school, they have finally rang me back and said they spoke with DD and the girls involved and it transpired that this is a nickname for DD which she states she doesn’t mind. The teacher has banned the nickname and has instructed DD to inform her if anyone calls her it again.
Rightly or wrongly I’ve just had a quick look on her laptop and this name has been in use for months, at least as far back as the main lockdown.

AIBU to want to take it further or am I being OTT?

[girlmom21]

@icedcoffees

If your DD is happy with it, why did you feel the need to go to the school and complain about it? It doesn't like anyone was upset until you got offended on DD"s behalf.

When I was at school, people had all sorts of weird nicknames for other people. On the surface, some names sounded really offensive but they absolutely weren't - they were just affectionate nicknames.

Because a lot of children will pretend they're fine when they're being bullied

[Nanny0gg]

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

I think you’re right to think this isn’t on, but wrong to call the school yourself

You need to work on her ability to stand up for herself and say no to nicknames like this.

Obviously if she’s very skinny and it’s ironic it’s a slightly different kettle of fish (although could also be upsetting)

You think they'll take a blind bit of notice of the DD saying 'No'?

That will definitely make them do it more because they'll think it winds her up/upsets her. School nicknames are rarely kind.

Whereas there's a tiny chance they'll take notice of the school.

[TatianaBis]

Entirely depends if this is fat shaming or if it’s ironic.

A friend of mine is called Lil Nick* as he his 6’7”

*Christian name changed.

[ladycarlotta]

A schoolfriend of mine used to call me something similar to this, and if anyone had asked I'd definitely have said I was OK with it. In fact it made me feel very small and sad, but I wanted her friendship enough to brush that aside. I look back now and wince at all the other nasty little things she did and said to me, which at the time I barely even registered. She was a very angry kid and she expressed it by being extremely cruel and disdainful.

I don't know if you can do much more about this particular girl but maybe focus instead on building up your daughter so that she knows she does not need to tolerate this stuff. That might just be something that comes in time, but adolescent girls really can be brutal and the ones on the receiving end are so mired in the culture they don't even know they have a choice. I think I was probably very unpleasant to other girls further down the foodchain too.

[Millie50]

Dunno. I had a friend called Hannah, she got affectionately called Spanner by the rest of us. She was really clever - it was irony. She didn't mind it. We're adults now and I know she would say if she had really hated it but was pretending not to have minded.
In the same way I sometimes refer to one of my sisters as an unattractive animal (won't say which one!). It's an old in joke, and it's affectionate. Nicknames used among genuine friends show that you know a person well enough to have a shared history, and that you know their character well enough that you know they are happy with the nickname.

If your daughter is not at all fat, it may fall into the friendly nickname category and may be harmless. If she is a bit fat, that's another matter.

[LethargicActress]

When you say you looked on the laptop and it confirmed that she was using the name already, do you mean she started it by calling herself the name on social media? Or other people said it first?

Do other girls go by nicknames of that type on social media?

[Puffinhead]

I think you did the right thing contacting the school and it seems that they have dealt with it by banning the nickname.

Honestly, I’m not sure what you can do now and how you can take it further. Talk to your daughter about why is was unacceptable etc - teen years are tough.

[garlictwist]

In primary school. we used to call a child in our class (and I am very sorry about this) "Paki".

We had no idea how offensive it was and I look back in absolute horror.

Naturally when the adults heard, we were raked over the coals. The child in question insisted the name was harmless and a bit of fun, and none of us could understand the uproar.

My point is - if your daughter says she doesn't mind, perhaps the other children haven't realised how awful a name it is? I am not blaming your daughter at all - and I totally agree that you are right to address it, but perhaps some explanation is needed about why this is not on.

[icedcoffees]

Because a lot of children will pretend they're fine when they're being bullied

Absolutely, but at the same time, not everything that's offensive to adults is offensive to children.

[Mojoj]

Young girls can be incredibly cruel. Not all of them, but quite a few. Your daughter sounds like she's trying to laugh along with this nastiness. I would keep encouraging her to call them out on it but she might be afraid of losing these so called "friends". Wee shits.

[girlmom21]

@icedcoffees you're right - but it's best to be sure it's just kids being kids rather than bullying, rather than just dismissing it as the former

[Ohmybod]

YANBU.

Perhaps it is just a thing within their group, but I think nicknames of that nature should be discouraged. If she normalises that now, then she may lack empathy later in life. Eg: the “i was called fat when I was younger and it didn’t me no harm”…It might not be doing her no obvious harm now but she needs to learn that it’s language that crosses a boundary for many.

[Ohmybod]

Oh god, the typos and double negatives in my post - sorry!!!

[icedcoffees]

[quote girlmom21]@icedcoffees you're right - but it's best to be sure it's just kids being kids rather than bullying, rather than just dismissing it as the former [/quote]
I suppose.

But now OP has contacted the school, there's really no need to keep worrying and do anything else, IMO.

[GreenClock]

I remember the presenter Fearne Cotton saying that her nickname at school was Nostrils because some idiot thought she had big nostrils and the name stuck. She wasn’t enamoured with it.

I’d check that your DD isn’t going along with it to keep the peace.

[WhenISnappedAndFarted]

Is she fat?

My DP's friend is called 'little Dave' as a nickname, the man's 6 foot 8.

[minitree]

We call my youngest brother Fatty because he's a beanpole.

Op needs to let us know if her daughter is fat or not

[Negligee]

@icedcoffees

Because a lot of children will pretend they're fine when they're being bullied

Absolutely, but at the same time, not everything that's offensive to adults is offensive to children.

I think that all children of that, and especially girls, have a strong sense that 'fat' is one of the worst possible insults to apply to someone. DS is heading for ten, and that's the sense I get from him and his friendship group.

[luverlybubberly]

Do the other girls have nicknames ? Are they "mean" too?

[MuguetRose]

Why do people use posts like this as an excuse to make sexist, hateful comments about girls? I know loads of nice young girls. Would we think it OK to write "I fucking hate old women, they are arseholes?" No we wouldn't and rightly so.

[CovidMakesThingsHard]

Of course she’s going to say to the teacher she’s fine with it, she wants to keep her friends, even if that is really horrible of them.

[MuguetRose]

@Kittykat93

Fucking hate young girls, sorry but the majority of them are arseholes. I don't blame you for ringing the school, not sure what else you can do but you have my sympathies..I'm not looking forward to the teen years.

I really hope you don't have daughters with such sexist, hateful attitudes to young girls.

[Ubiquery]

I think your daughter has found a way, her way, of handling the situation. I'm not saying you should support it, but I don't think you should undermine it.
Bullying shouldn't exist, but it does, and the best thing we can do is support our children to develop their coping strategies, be it passivity, humour or whatever.

[Ubiquery]

Op needs to let us know if her daughter is fat or not

Yeah, 90 minutes on this is still a fairly important detail that OP hasn't clarified

[IncompleteSenten]

I'd be amazed if she was actually ok with it

Unless maybe there's some really weird and funny back story and it's nothing to do with her weight and even then I'd be doubtful at that age.

What are the other girls' nicknames? Are they similarly offensive?

People who are, on the surface, part of a friendship group find it hard to face it if they are being bullied by that group. They may even accept it in order to remain in the group. It's hard and she's so young. This is too much for her to navigate without you, no matter what she says.