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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I or is he?

29 replies

greenflower1 · 08/12/2021 09:15

Been with my partner for 18 months and overall great relationship - he is kind, caring etc. bit stingy at times but working on it.

About two months ago we had a period where my sex drive wasn't as high, I think it was due to stress at work and other stuff. We had a an argument during this time and he left to stay at his. When we made up and he came back I went through his phone as some of the stuff he was saying was off. I saw that he messaged a girl he used to date saying 'I miss you, more than I should'. I confronted him and he apologised sincerely, said he was feeling unloved by me because of the lack of sec and attention and he doesn't know why he said that, he didn't mean it and just wanted attention. This hurt me and we almost split up. I have been cheated on many times before, I have deep trust issues but thought with him he was different. She doesn't live in this country which is part of the reason i decided to move past this but what if she did?

Roll onto now, we are having another fallout - to do with lack of sex again, I'm really busy and stressed from work so haven't given him as much adult time as he would like. We had an argument, he went home and I said something like, 'will you be messaging your ex again?' He then says that she's messaged him but he hasn't replied....

I flipped out. They follow each other on instagram still and I basically feel like he is keeping her there in case we don't work out. I asked him to delete/block her, give an explanation to her if he needs to but he isn't doing it - after a while, he said he would but still hasn't. He's now trying to flip it on me as I have an old FWB who occasionally messaged me for business advise (my career) - but they know that I have a partner and we have both moved on in that sense. The way he flipped it on me, saying I must be feeling guilty about something is playing on my mind.

Do I have the right to ask him to delete her and not keep her there?!

Really appreciate your thoughts on this!

OP posts:
CloudyStorms · 08/12/2021 09:17

Do I have the right to ask him to delete her and not keep her there?! no you do not. But you have the absolute freedom to leave him, he is clearly using you as 2nd best.

3scape · 08/12/2021 09:20

He doesn't respect your needs and that you're going through stress. He expects what he wants on his terms, with no allowances for you. Leave him to his ex, move on. Things will be much less stressful without an argument at home after a hard day at work

JingleJingleAllTheWay · 08/12/2021 09:21

No sadly you cannot tell him to delete her. If your relationship is this hard, so early on into the relationship, is it even worth continuing?

Youdoyoutoday · 08/12/2021 09:22

Completely agree with cloudy!

Stop wasting your time with this guy as you'll never be able to let this go and it will drive you mad.

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 08/12/2021 09:23

Do I have the right to ask him to delete her and not keep her there?!

No but you do have the right to dump him. You are his "OK for now". She seems to be his "Real Thing" or, at the very least your "Argument Threat"

Sod all of his 'flipping'. Stop investing him with characteristics he just doesn't have. He's a twat. Dump him!

LampHat · 08/12/2021 09:25

Why would you stay?! If he’s messaging someone else less than 2 years in after a bit of a dry spell, how do you think he’ll behave after 20 years or when you’re knackered from couple of kids running around? (If that was in the plan!) LTB.

Merryoldgoat · 08/12/2021 09:26

You’re asking the entirely wrong question.

He’s tight
He’s petulant when he doesn’t get sex
He’s been messaging his ex inappropriately

Why the fuck you’re still there is anyone’s guess.

He’s the type who’ll be demanding sex as soon as you’ve given birth and expecting you to contribute solely to your maternity leave.

You’d be an idiot to stay with him.

StruggleStreet · 08/12/2021 09:27

I don’t think him deleting her number is going to fix the problem here. The issue is that rather than supporting you when you’re going through a stressful time he is thinking only of his need for sex. It’s as though he feels entitled to message other women because you aren’t fulfilling your duties to provide him with sex. I don’t think this is a healthy dynamic for a long term relationship.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 08/12/2021 09:28

I imagine living on egg shells will become the norm... you will be worried he will be messaging other people if he isn't getting sex. He is an entitled cheat imo.

CoffeeAndDryShampoo · 08/12/2021 09:28

Probably best to cut your losses now OP. Every time you have one of these arguments you'll end up worrying that he's messaging someone else, whether it be this woman or another. He should be mature and respectful enough to understand that sex isn't the be all and end all, sometimes life does get in the way.

Cocomarine · 08/12/2021 09:29

Would love to hear more about how he’s “working on” being “a bit stingy”? WTF?

I can tell you exactly why you have “trust issues” @greenflower1 and maybe save you some therapy pounds. It is because you choose to stay with untrustworthy people. That simple.

Fairyliz · 08/12/2021 09:29

Just dump him. You shouldn’t be having problems this early in a relationship, it should still be the honeymoon phase when he is desperate to look after you.
If you ignore my advice do not have children with this man. When I had kids my husband and I didn’t have sex for six months after each one but he didn’t moan once.

girlmom21 · 08/12/2021 09:32

You're not compatible.

He wants more sex than you.
He'll cheat if he's not getting the attention he wants.
You'll use past mistakes against him - you said you'd moved past the text but clearly hadn't.
You don't want him to talk to his exes but want to be able to talk to yours.

You're a bad as each other just in different ways. You've had major arguments about the lack of sex twice in 18 months. It's clearly a big sticking point that won't improve.

Tal45 · 08/12/2021 09:32

I'm exhausted just reading all that. Imagine having a baby with him and not having sex at all for some time. He'd be unbearable and you'd spend your whole time wondering if he was up to anything. Call it a day now before you get any deeper into this mess and stop 'moving past' huge red flags.

Original poster
greenflower1 · 08/12/2021 09:32

I am very much on eggshells and I'm an overthinker so I've come up with whole ideas that maybe she is the one he really wants to be with but due to being in different countries, it's not happening. He is saying it's not that but I just feel like an idiot and their private joke. she knows he has a girlfriend. It's not even down to her, it's him!

We are so compatible in other areas that it's really heartbreaking that we are in this position but the time I saw him message her really showed me what he is capable off. I never expected it, I thought we were strong.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 08/12/2021 09:34

I suspect you’re ‘strong’ when he’s getting his way.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/12/2021 09:42

Oh God, dump him please

He’s just not worth the energy

MoltonSilver · 08/12/2021 09:44

No, you have no right to tell him to delete her.

Stop going through his phone.

Yes, you have a right to not feel like sex without it causing a dramatic argument where he moves out until you give in.

This is not a healthy relationship.

billy1966 · 08/12/2021 09:45

@Merryoldgoat

You’re asking the entirely wrong question.

He’s tight
He’s petulant when he doesn’t get sex
He’s been messaging his ex inappropriately

Why the fuck you’re still there is anyone’s guess.

He’s the type who’ll be demanding sex as soon as you’ve given birth and expecting you to contribute solely to your maternity leave.

You’d be an idiot to stay with him.

Get a grip OP, your relationship is not strong at all.

He is a mean sex pest who is petulant when he doesn't get what he wants.

Your relationship bar is on the floor if you think his behaviour is acceptable.

Stay and put up with this kind of behaviour and you haveva long miserable life ahead of you.
One you will bitterly regret.
Dump him now.

CloudyStorms · 08/12/2021 09:47

It's only been 18 months so this is still getting getting know you time for a lot of couples. It shouldn't be like this. You can do better. It's fine for it not to be working out.

Negligee · 08/12/2021 09:49

Why on earth are you still with someone who is tight with money and petulant when he doesn't get his required level of sex? The ex ia a red herring. He's a heel.

Shoxfordian · 08/12/2021 09:51

He sounds like a knob
He’s already cheated once
Why are you wasting your time?

LaplandLucy · 08/12/2021 09:54

Why on earth do you think you’re strong together? @greenflower1 literally any period of stress which leads to no sex and he’s back to his ex. Your relationship can’t cope with any kind of upheaval. It’s a terrible relationship. Find some self respect and dump him.

simpledeer · 08/12/2021 09:59

He's an arse who sulks when he isn't getting enough sex.

How can you even fancy him?

Do yourself a favour and dump him. Being single would be better than being used like this. Flowers

Apiddleawiddle · 08/12/2021 10:15

Going to go against the grain. You have a right in my eyes to lay the boundary that this person keeps coming between you two and if she remains in his life, you won't be in his life due to the problems it is creating with her being in the background. He has himself to blame for running to her soon as things have been tough and then when things have been tough again she has miraculously been messaging him. He has some choices to make and ask himself who is more important. When someone keeps being allowed to come between you you absolutely can say that an ultimatum needs to be made or the relationship can't continue.