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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Good manners or bad manners?

43 replies

forinborin · 08/12/2021 07:06

Asking out of interest.

If you meet (in the UK) someone who is an immigrant from a country which is rotating non-stop on the "breaking" news due to something really bad - a natural disaster, war, famine, refugee crisis etc.

Not a close friend, a new casual acquaintance - say a friend of a friend that you met at a birthday party or something like that. Would you take initiative to discuss the topic with them / offer your interpretation or thoughts on what is going on? If they did not bring up the topic itself? Is it polite to show interest or quite the opposite?

OP posts:
ANameChangeAgain · 08/12/2021 07:12

Close friend - yes, out of concern for their family. Casual acquaintance - no, you don't know them well enough to know how triggering an unintentional ignorant comment or question would be.

IgneousRock · 08/12/2021 07:12

I'm not sure what the "etiquette" on this is (which is what you seem to be asking) - I don't think there is one really? It's just down to the individual and what seems appropriate at the time.

Personally I think an acknowledgment and an open question, but not pursuing the subject if they don't want to talk about it, would seem better than either ignoring it completely or asking lots of questions / giving lots of opinions.

MoreAloneTime · 08/12/2021 07:12

I think with any potentially painful topic it's best to let them be the one to bring it up.

Lushplease · 08/12/2021 07:14

I'd say nothing unless the person started talking about it.

Original poster
forinborin · 08/12/2021 07:15

@IgneousRock

I'm not sure what the "etiquette" on this is (which is what you seem to be asking) - I don't think there is one really? It's just down to the individual and what seems appropriate at the time.

Personally I think an acknowledgment and an open question, but not pursuing the subject if they don't want to talk about it, would seem better than either ignoring it completely or asking lots of questions / giving lots of opinions.

Yes, I don't think there's a generally accepted etiquette, it is quite a niche situation. I was just interested in personal viewpoints / what people would do.
OP posts:
UmbilicusProfundus · 08/12/2021 07:21

Yes let them bring up the subject if they want to. And “offering your interpretation” may not go down very well - there are better ways to be empathic

Dilbertian · 08/12/2021 07:31

As an immigrant myself, I am often fed up of the assumption that I am an authority in whatever is going on in my country of origin, or that it is my main interest. I have lived in the UK since childhood, maybe it would be different if I was a more recent arrival. Either way, I find it unpleasant if a new acquaintance launches straight into 'the dreadful situation over there', especially if they then ignore my attempts to change the subject. Please see the person first, and not their differentness.

Original poster
forinborin · 08/12/2021 07:34

@Dilbertian

As an immigrant myself, I am often fed up of the assumption that I am an authority in whatever is going on in my country of origin, or that it is my main interest. I have lived in the UK since childhood, maybe it would be different if I was a more recent arrival. Either way, I find it unpleasant if a new acquaintance launches straight into 'the dreadful situation over there', especially if they then ignore my attempts to change the subject. Please see the person first, and not their differentness.
Yes, fair point, it is a recent immigrant in this case (10 years or so). Immigrated as an adult, strong accent / not perfectly fluent in English, has family back home.
OP posts:
Offmyfence · 08/12/2021 07:34

If they brought it up, I would listen. I wouldn't try to give them my interpretation as I would assume they were far more knowledgeable that me.

freelions · 08/12/2021 07:35

I definitely wouldn't bring it up if they were just a casual acquaintance.

I might with a good friend but only if I know them well enough to know they would want to discuss it with me.

OhRexy · 08/12/2021 07:36

@Offmyfence

If they brought it up, I would listen. I wouldn't try to give them my interpretation as I would assume they were far more knowledgeable that me.
This. As with many other situations, my role is to listen and learn and not tell them how their country can be fixed.
User156 · 08/12/2021 07:37

I would definitely let them be the one to bring it up if they want to. It might be painful to discuss, or too much with an acquaintance.

FuckeryOmbudsman · 08/12/2021 07:37

Would you take initiative to discuss the topic with them / offer your interpretation or thoughts on what is going on?

Definitely not. They'll know a hundred times more than you will and be aware of all the interpretations.

Express sympathy/interest if there is a story in the news running at the time (and then pursue the conversation or not according to their reaction)

M0rT · 08/12/2021 07:41

I worked with someone from Zimbabwe at a time when things were particularly desperate there. It's a bit different to what you are asking as he had previously spoken of the situation there and why his mother didn't want him to move home.
I asked how his family was and listened to what he had to say.
I know very little of geopolitics so my only opinion was how terrible it was that as always the ordinary people were suffering while the elites were mostly fine.

SparklingLime · 08/12/2021 07:42

Definitely don’t “offer your interpretation or thoughts”. Cringe.

Cocomarine · 08/12/2021 07:48

Offer your interpretation?! Of course that’s rude.

Even in countries in complete political turmoil people have lives.

If someone says, “I moved here from Somalia” you don’t actually have to start tutting about what a terrible business etc… if you want to make small talk and not shy away from their country, you can say, “do you know, I don’t much about Somalia - what’s it like?” Which leaves it open for them to either declare it a total shithole they’d rather forget, and tell you about their cultural history as rich as any non-war torn country, or the beautiful places they’d like to return to.

Iggly · 08/12/2021 07:49

I would express an interest and concern.

I most certainly would not offer my interpretation because I’d come across an insufferable dick no doubt.

PegasusReturns · 08/12/2021 07:58

I wouldn’t offer my “thoughts or interpretation” because I recognise it’s unlikely I’d have anything of value to add.

I might - depending on circumstances - express regret or enquire as to the safety of their family.

E.g. “I saw the terrible news of the flooding in Spain last night, I hope your family are safe and well” would be well mannered and appreciated.

“I was reading the whistleblower evidence re the FCO and the fall of Kabul. It’s a terribly complicated situation for everyone, I mean we all strive for work life balance don’t we” not ok.

greenmarlin · 08/12/2021 08:13

I would find other areas of common interest to focus on ie shared school if it's a school mum, work, teachers etc. I know parents who have come from countries with a history of war and given that history there is a good chance they have traumatic memories I know nothing about - no need to go into that if they are collecting their child after a birthday party! If I got to know them better and they brought it up then yes, but no I wouldn't offer my opinions.

ILoveYouMoreTheEnd · 08/12/2021 08:30

I assumed the person you meant was a recent immigrant not of 10 years as updated. I wouldn't bring anything up unless it's a topic of discussion tbh. I'd feel uncomfortable if it were me.

Negligee · 08/12/2021 08:34

@SparklingLime

Definitely don’t “offer your interpretation or thoughts”. Cringe.
Exactly. I’m Irish, lived for many years in the UK, and the number of times I’ve had from British strangers (a) assumptions I’m an active IRA member, (b) assurances they do not think I am an IRA member, really (c) tutting about those ‘religious wars’ being ‘very medieval’ nowadays and I must be delighted to live ‘somewhere civilised’, (d) requests to ‘explain the whole thing, because I’ve never understood it’ or conversely (e) people telling me about how they know all about the Troubles because they nearly went shopping in Warrington the day of the Warrington bombing or their second cousin did a tour of duty in NÍ in the 80s or (f) the revelation that the person talking didn’t know there were loyalist paramilitaries OR that there was a border, is gobsmacking.
Original poster
forinborin · 08/12/2021 08:38

@ILoveYouMoreTheEnd

I assumed the person you meant was a recent immigrant not of 10 years as updated. I wouldn't bring anything up unless it's a topic of discussion tbh. I'd feel uncomfortable if it were me.
"Recent", as in not living here from the childhood / not passing as a native. But "not recent" in the sense that the current disaster did not influence their decision to move. Hope it is clearer now.
OP posts:
CloudyStorms · 08/12/2021 08:40

Would you take initiative to discuss the topic with them / offer your interpretation or thoughts on what is going on? If they did not bring up the topic itself? Is it polite to show interest or quite the opposite? it is not taking the initiative it is bloody rude! Why would they care what your thoughts are? I do hope this wasn't you OP. Also depending on the country they may be reluctant to get caught discussing politics in case it puts them in danger

dudsville · 08/12/2021 08:42

I think the only starting place, if you must, is along the lines of "I hear its rough there at the moment, are your friends and family OK? (You must be prepared if you ask this question, don't ask if you can't handle the answer, and) how are you managing with it all?" Again, don't ask if you can't set aside your own interpretation of events.

Before embarking down this road ask yourself if this is really the right time and place for a discussion potentially this big. And is it an appropriate starter topic for someone you're just meeting and or don't know well.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 08/12/2021 08:43

If they bring it up, listen. Don’t give “your interpretation”. Sounds very like mansplaining.