Good manners or bad manners?

[forinborin]

Asking out of interest.

If you meet (in the UK) someone who is an immigrant from a country which is rotating non-stop on the "breaking" news due to something really bad - a natural disaster, war, famine, refugee crisis etc.

Not a close friend, a new casual acquaintance - say a friend of a friend that you met at a birthday party or something like that. Would you take initiative to discuss the topic with them / offer your interpretation or thoughts on what is going on? If they did not bring up the topic itself? Is it polite to show interest or quite the opposite?

Exactly. I’m Irish, lived for many years in the UK, and the number of times I’ve had from British strangers (a) assumptions I’m an active IRA member, (b) assurances they do not think I am an IRA member, really (c) tutting about those ‘religious wars’ being ‘very medieval’ nowadays and I must be delighted to live ‘somewhere civilised’, (d) requests to ‘explain the whole thing, because I’ve never understood it’ or conversely (e) people telling me about how they know all about the Troubles because they nearly went shopping in Warrington the day of the Warrington bombing or their second cousin did a tour of duty in NÍ in the 80s or (f) the revelation that the person talking didn’t know there were loyalist paramilitaries OR that there was a border, is gobsmacking.

Yeah, all of this.

You can ask gently and take their lead.

Don’t “offer your interpretation”, FFS.

Exactly @Negligee

I still get it today from English colleagues (who live in England).

I do hope this wasn't you OP.
Well, it was me in a couple of specific situations that triggered this post (especially now when there are a couple of new acquaintances due to festive catch-ups / drinks). But the question was more along the lines of what is generally appropriate and what isn't. Because at the moment I feel like excusing myself from a couple of planned events where these situations might happen - but also realise it is probably a knee-jerk overreaction.

@forinborin

I do hope this wasn't you OP. Well, it was me in a couple of specific situations that triggered this post (especially now when there are a couple of new acquaintances due to festive catch-ups / drinks). But the question was more along the lines of what is generally appropriate and what isn't. Because at the moment I feel like excusing myself from a couple of planned events where these situations might happen - but also realise it is probably a knee-jerk overreaction.

That's a real shame, would these people not be closed down with a "I'm not wanting to discuss that, can we move on"?

No, don't bring it up. If they do just listen. It may bring up things they prefer to forget or keep private

You were on the receiving end? Then I am so sorry! What idiots they are.

That's a real shame, would these people not be closed down with a "I'm not wanting to discuss that, can we move on"?
I am really shy in that respect... but I think a previous poster was right when they said it sounded like mansplaining. Because now I realised that I indeed get this only from men.
I did not want to complain, genuinely wanted to hear that people would do it with best of intentions (as in, to support / show compassion). Went to a couple of events frequently, and there's always a guy who after a couple of drinks would corner me and start what sounds like a lecture on geopolitics. And it is not like I don't have an interest in the topic - quite the opposite, have a very painful skin in the game - just not prepared to discuss it with Steve from Accounting over a martini.

They may do it with the best of intentions but they shouldn't be doing it. Maybe point out that it's wholly inappropriate and could he please stop discussing it with you? Hopefully he will back off.

@forinborin

That's a real shame, would these people not be closed down with a "I'm not wanting to discuss that, can we move on"? I am really shy in that respect... but I think a previous poster was right when they said it sounded like mansplaining. Because now I realised that I indeed get this only from men. I did not want to complain, genuinely wanted to hear that people would do it with best of intentions (as in, to support / show compassion). Went to a couple of events frequently, and there's always a guy who after a couple of drinks would corner me and start what sounds like a lecture on geopolitics. And it is not like I don't have an interest in the topic - quite the opposite, have a very painful skin in the game - just not prepared to discuss it with Steve from Accounting over a martini.

Surely what the intentions are is irrelevant though? Lots of the people (of both sexes) who talked at me about Ireland 'meant well' in that they were assuring me that they didn't think I was in the IRA or a backward Paddy, or thought they were 'showing an interest' in asking me to explain the Troubles, but the fact remains that their assumptions were insulting and prejudicial, and their questions crass.

I used to look at the 'Explain the Troubles to me' types and offer them a reading list.

That’s awful, OP. If you can, be blunt and don’t endure more than their opening thoughts. Why should you? It’s boorish and utterly insensitive.

When the pandemic was raging in India recently (and actually in Italy before that and SA now) then I have said to colleagues from those countries that I hope their friends and families are safe and that it must be very hard to be so far away etc
It seemed to me that they did appreciate that and that it was better to show that I have some interest than to ignore it which I thought would be perceived as not caring about people who actually I do care about.
For all my colleagues actually it was pretty clear that they were emotionally affected by outbreaks at home even those where it didn't directly affect family.
I hope that was right
I certainly did not speculate about their governments policies or whatever.

If it's another kind of situation like a civil war then I guess I would follow the same tack of sympathising about the effects on the person but not trying to start a political discussion unless they started it themselves

Surely what the intentions are is irrelevant though? Lots of the people (of both sexes) who talked at me about Ireland 'meant well' in that they were assuring me that they didn't think I was in the IRA or a backward Paddy, or thought they were 'showing an interest' in asking me to explain the Troubles, but the fact remains that their assumptions were insulting and prejudicial, and their questions crass.
To me, it does make a difference... as in, is the person doing it for entertainment / for the feeling of self-importance, or really wants to express sympathy but does not appreciate that it a painful and complicated topic.

We've got a couple of families from Afghanistan just joined the primary school my kids are at, all Ive said was I'm so sad it all happened but I'm so glad your lovely boys are safe. I'm not going to get into politics or specifics with a traumatised family.

When someone treats me as a generic identity that they have assigned to me, rather than as an individual with individual interests, like, dislikes, then, no, the intention doesn't make any difference. It's still depersonalising. It's like saying it doesn't matter if someone perpetuates a racist stereotypes if they didn't mean it unkindly.

If you initiate such a conversation, and the other person does not want to engage with it, then move on to a different topic. Do not drive it forward to express your sympathy or whatever.

I wouldn't offer an opinion on it or bring it up randomly but if it seemed fitting as part of the conversation I might express sympathy and concern for them and any loved ones they might have caught up in it.

Surely the point about this sort of thing is not to make someone feel uncomfortable, unwelcome or judged but some people would feel offended if it was such a hot news topic and people were too polite to even mention it.

Ah I see it's you that's getting the questions.
It's tricky - the kind of person who mansplains your country and history to you is unlikely to respond well to being told to back off.
Hopefully you can have an excuse ready and just walk away if you don't want to confront him. Even a really obvious one like 'can you excuse me, I just need to do something?' and walk away.
But yes, it's rude and I don't think you should have to smile politely and listen to it. Mansplainers need to get with the times quite frankly.

If they brought it up I would be happy to listen to them if it helped them. It’s unlikely I would offer an opinion as I probably would not be qualified to do this. I would just try to empathise with them and try to understand what they may have been through.