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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas Day

41 replies

ChristmasDilemma1 · 07/12/2021 23:20

I am hoping for advice or just a bit of a shake at least.
Its about Christmas Day with my partners family.
Usually we alternate years so we would visit one family (for example my family) on Christmas Day and then his on Boxing Day and vice versa the next year.
The last time we were due to spend Christmas Day at my partners family (partners Sister and husband started hosting everyone from his family instead of his parents so its not as welcoming there) they didnt invite us but my partner said that we didnt need an invite as it was just assumed we would go! I thought that was rude so eventually sent a message asking if it was ok if we had Christmas Dinner with them. They said yes but I felt it was horrible having to grovel for an invitation (We bring our own dinner as we are vegan so they dont have to order any extra food if we are there or not).
So with Covid last year we stayed home. It was lovely but I missed seeing my family.
Due to the timings this year we are due to spend it with his family again. No invitation yet and I dont think there will be. I really dont want to grovel again so I suppose I will just wait and see what happens. I am sure his mother will tell them we are coming but it feels so rude that they dont at least send us a quick message to say something. I hate just turning up at their house without speaking to them beforehand.
Am I overthinking or is it rude that they just dont communicate with us.

OP posts:
kittenkipper · 07/12/2021 23:25

Overthinking IMO. I've never ever been invited to my parents house for Christmas but have been many many times. I know I'm welcome. Any Christmas and every Christmas. I hope my children feel the same. There is no need for a formal invite, if they come every other year then I'll expect them every other and hope for them every year anyway. My dh would have no need and would be seen as an odd if he "grovelled" or text on the year we were expected at my parents.

parietal · 07/12/2021 23:28

there shouldn't be a formal invite, but there should definitely be some communication beforehand. Even if it is just a text to say 'looking forward to seeing you this year, shall we arrive 1pm, shall we bring wine?' or whatever

to show up on their doorstep with no prior communication would be odd.

If you text to say 'so what are the christmas plans this year?', would you get a reply?

Original poster
ChristmasDilemma1 · 07/12/2021 23:33

Yes, for my family I don't need an invite and if it was my boyfriends mum and dad hosting then we wouldn't need to say anything, its just because its his sister and their husband who have taken over hosting for his family. Its always more awkward at their house and there have been times where we havent felt very welcome at all (I know his dad feels this way too as he has make comments later but has been hushed by his mum).

OP posts:
Kite22 · 07/12/2021 23:35

Like others, I wouldn't expect "an invitation" but I think this might be semantics as much as anything.

We have extended family WhatsApp Groups and it would have been put in there, particularly after last year when everyone's "turn taking" got disrupted, there would just be some sort of confirmation of everyone's plans sometime in November probably.
Is there not some channel that your dp usually communicates with his brother ?

Original poster
ChristmasDilemma1 · 07/12/2021 23:36

@parietal
Yes I will probably have to bite the bullet and send a message. It just annoys me that its always me that has to be the first to communicate. I definitely wont just turn up at their doorstep as I also always offer to bring something to help e.g. dessert course, cheese, wine etc.

OP posts:
thesunwillout · 07/12/2021 23:47

Why can't you spend it with your family this yr?

kittenkipper · 07/12/2021 23:48

It's not you that has to communicate! Thats your husband! You are talking about his parents and his siblings. It's not awkward for him to say "Bro, what time is dinner? Shall I bring wine or beer?" It IS awkward for you to. I get that it's not easy now it's your husbands siblings hosting- but it should be easy for your husband because they're his siblings.

Kite22 · 07/12/2021 23:53

What Kitten said.

I am constantly amazed how many people on MN can't just ask things of their siblings, or on other threads today, their friends. I just can't see why this would be a big deal or even a little deal if there is such a thing

Chloemol · 08/12/2021 00:13

To be he still I would be telling your partner you are going to your parents as this wasn’t possible last year

Why should you miss out

Chloemol · 08/12/2021 00:14

To be honest not to be he still. No idea where that came from

NumberTheory · 08/12/2021 00:57

If you don't want to be stressing with this sort of up in the air approach you have two choices - stop trying to fix your DH's relationship with his family. It's his family, let him contact them if necessary, let him decide whether to take something or not, let him make all the arrangements.

Or, get to know the SiL much better so that you either understand the expectations yourself or know how to ask without it being awkward.

Personally, if it's only once every two years, I would just bite the bullet each time and send a text asking if you're invited or asking what dish she'd prefer you make.

(Agree with others that, if it's okay with your parents, it's not unreasonable to go there this year if you want to.)

BatshitBanshee · 08/12/2021 02:28

I don't think I would be waiting and seeing or groveling for an invite tbh - it is fucking weird that they don't at least text and say "hiya, we're planning on having dinner for 2, does that suit you?" It's not an invite but just an acknowledgement of your presence?? Otherwise do you just show up when you feel like it or...? Either do Christmas at home or go to your family and introduce a new alternation system (his family one year, at home just the pair of you the next, your family the year after that) but no one should be this uncomfortable about Christmas day.

Wingedharpy · 08/12/2021 04:00

Do you only see SIL and her DH once every 2 years?
If so, no wonder you don't feel comfortable in their home.

stayathomer · 08/12/2021 04:09

I think the world is divided into those who assume everything is going ahead and those who plan/invite. I was always in camp 1 but know a lot more in camp 2 including people who take offense and I've only understood why as I've gotten older. Do you all in general not communicate? Send a relaxed text/WhatsApp, it's not grovelling, it's just seeing what's happening

CloudyStorms · 08/12/2021 04:39

Tbh I'd assume they don't want you there. Maybe do something by yourselves?

CloudyStorms · 08/12/2021 04:40

It's weird they haven't asked what your plans are and if you wanted to come over

TokyoTen · 08/12/2021 04:46

Do you want to go? If not the fact they haven't contacted you is the perfect reason to stay at home and do your own thing. Honestly if someone didn't contact me I'd assume I wasn't invited and make my own arrangements. Not sure why you have to be the messenger not DH.

Kbyodjs · 08/12/2021 06:37

I don’t think we normally “invite” my sil; it’s just assumed that the year we see pil then she comes too. It’s not that we mean to be rude but just an assumption. I wonder now if I should say something directly to her.

Dozer · 08/12/2021 06:45

It’s your DP’s family. So he, not you, should handle communications with them. If he says it’s fine to assume invitation, that’s up to him. Texting directly is interfering IMO.

Talk of ‘grovelling’ etc seems like overthinking/ your internal ‘script’.

Several times you’ve mentioned that you preferred it when your DP’s parents hosted and find your DP’s sibling/partner less good hosts unwelcoming.

If you don’t enjoy visiting that part of the family, at xmas or indeed anytime, discuss this and your options with your DP, or just reflect yourself on what you’d like to happen and what you’ll do/won’t do for your DP or others’ sake.

updownroundandround · 08/12/2021 06:46

I'm also not clear on why you aren't going to your parents this year ?

You did not get to spend last Xmas with them due to lockdown, so surely it's still their 'turn' ? Hmm

Also totally agree with PP's who have said it's not up to you to communicate with his siblings/parents about the 'invite' etc, thats ALL his job !

Stop yourself from taking on the 'role' of sole communicator/ organiser for his family gatherings. Tell him straight, ''They're your family, so you need to speak to them and find out what the plans for Xmas are.''

Twotinydictators · 08/12/2021 06:49

I don't understand how there is no, 'what's going on for Christmas this year' conversation? I spend it with my family every year but we all still discuss it and check in with each other. Just weird that you don't seem to talk. I definitely wouldn't turn up anywhere without and invite and arrangements made.

I would either have your own Christmas or go to your parents, or maybe his family expects you to take a turn in hosting?

GiveMeNovocain · 08/12/2021 06:54

If I was your sil/bil I think I'd be waiting for an invitation to yours this year. Do you ever host?

SSOYS · 08/12/2021 06:58

Not sure why checking they are expecting you is “grovelling” but your husband should be doing it. I wouldn’t assume they are expecting you given last year.

underneaththeash · 08/12/2021 06:59

I'd say it was your families turn anyway as you weren't there last year.

I assume you don't offer to host as you're vegan and don't want to cook meat? But you could host boxing day and start the what's app checking that everyone's coming trend.

Chatwin · 08/12/2021 07:03
  1. Why isn't your DP having these conversations with his own family?
  1. Could you offer to host for a change?
  1. If you are unsure, and the IL don't sound welcoming, just go to your parents.
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