Christmas Day

[ChristmasDilemma1]

I am hoping for advice or just a bit of a shake at least.
Its about Christmas Day with my partners family.
Usually we alternate years so we would visit one family (for example my family) on Christmas Day and then his on Boxing Day and vice versa the next year.
The last time we were due to spend Christmas Day at my partners family (partners Sister and husband started hosting everyone from his family instead of his parents so its not as welcoming there) they didnt invite us but my partner said that we didnt need an invite as it was just assumed we would go! I thought that was rude so eventually sent a message asking if it was ok if we had Christmas Dinner with them. They said yes but I felt it was horrible having to grovel for an invitation (We bring our own dinner as we are vegan so they dont have to order any extra food if we are there or not).
So with Covid last year we stayed home. It was lovely but I missed seeing my family.
Due to the timings this year we are due to spend it with his family again. No invitation yet and I dont think there will be. I really dont want to grovel again so I suppose I will just wait and see what happens. I am sure his mother will tell them we are coming but it feels so rude that they dont at least send us a quick message to say something. I hate just turning up at their house without speaking to them beforehand.
Am I overthinking or is it rude that they just dont communicate with us.

I agree it's your turn to go to your family.

I also agree, DH needs to ask his family. It's not down to you. Why would it be?

Just go to your parents! Why do you want to go there if they’re unwelcoming and you feel awkward?

Just don't go. If they aren't even people you regularly communicate with then why would you want to spend Christmas with them?

They may have assumed that having missed out on Christmas with your family last year, you'd be wanting to be with them this Christmas. Lots of families are doing what they would have done last year, and continuing the alternation from there.

Why can’t you spend it with your family as they missed their turn last time?

Do you / your DP not communicate with it see his sibling aside from Xmas? It doesn’t crop up in conversation? Your DP can’t say ‘all ok for Xmas at yours this year?’ in a casual way?

Why did the sister start hosting?

You're really over thinking this. From your posts, it's clear you just don't want to spend any Christmas with his family. Fine, but then you can't expect him to spend Christmas with yours.

When you're in a relationship you have to give and take I'm afraid.

The "timing" has been ruined by covid so why not go to your family??
I just hate spending Xmas where people are mean or weird. Go where you are wanted surely it's different now his parents don't host?

Just go to your mums op!!

It sounds like you're causing your own stress.

They just sound like a family where it's a given you'll be coming for Christmas. That's their way and it's fine, nothing rude about it.

You don't have to grovel/always be the first to send the message/whatever else you said; you're just choosing to.

[quote ChristmasDilemma1]@parietal
Yes I will probably have to bite the bullet and send a message. It just annoys me that its always me that has to be the first to communicate. I definitely wont just turn up at their doorstep as I also always offer to bring something to help e.g. dessert course, cheese, wine etc.[/quote]
So his family are the same. And don’t consider there any need for formal invitations for family for Christmas. You are being very strange about this.

The only thing that I would be questioning in this scenario, is why you are not going to your family this year. Last year didn’t count, it is your family’s turn.

Sorry quoted wrong post, I meant to quote the one in which you confirmed you not expect formal invitations room your own family.

@ChristmasDilemma1

Yes, for my family I don't need an invite and if it was my boyfriends mum and dad hosting then we wouldn't need to say anything, its just because its his sister and their husband who have taken over hosting for his family. Its always more awkward at their house and there have been times where we havent felt very welcome at all (I know his dad feels this way too as he has make comments later but has been hushed by his mum).

No brainer for me.

I'd spent Christmas with your family and Boxing Day with your partners parents.

Fukc spending Christmas with people who don't make you feel welcome. Life's too short for that.

Thinking you overthinking this as you do t need an invitation. Sounds like you doing want to go. Talk to your boyfriend about this. Hope you have the Christmas you want

Your DH needs to have a general ‘what’s the plan for Christmas’ chat, you don’t need a formal invite but equally it’s weird to just rock up without it just coming up in conversation.

If he’s not doing that make plans to see your family, and if asked say oh, nobody mentioned coming to you so we’re doing X.

It’s not up to you to contact his family about it.

I mean obviously I wouldn't expect a formal invite on embossed paper but don't normal people at least text each other about Christmas plans?

It obviously varies between families but I would expect at least a discussion at some point in the run up to Christmas - " what are your plans? " "are you planning to come to us?" etc

I wouldn't want to pitch up at someone's house without having at least discussed and confirmed a convenient arrival time

It is possible that SIL is completely relaxed about hosting and happy for you to just turn up but most people would want to know who was coming to their house on Xmas day