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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you ever get over being infertile?

48 replies

daisydoh · 07/12/2021 22:09

Sorry for asking but I think I'm possibly heading down the road of infertility (trying for three years almost and two mc, no positive fora while now)

I haven't processed it yet but I'm starting to get to grips with the fact it's a real possibility and I'm scared.

Not sure why I'm scared because I've always been ambivalent about children anyway but to know I can't changes the script slightly. It makes me a mixture of sad and relieved - I can't quite explain.

Anyway, if you're infertile do you feel it gets easier as time goes by or harder to process?

I hope this post doesn't offend anyone

OP posts:
juneybean · 07/12/2021 22:11

It varies day to day, month to month, it's 7 years for me but I always find this time of the year particularly hard. But it does get easier.

NoFitStateMum · 07/12/2021 22:15

@daisydoh I recommend looking up an organisation called Gateway Women who can offer support. x

ineedsun · 07/12/2021 22:16

Yes, I learned to accept and not fight it a long time ago and my life became so much better. In fairness I have four kids that I never gave birth to but other than the choice to breast feed I don’t feel like I missed anything.

DinosaurStompGrrrr · 07/12/2021 22:17

I had a baby at 44 after chemo and being told I would be infertile after the treatment that saved my life. My point is, there is always hope there - but in the meantime try to think about the life you do have

Ipadannie · 07/12/2021 22:23

I wouldn't say you get over it because it ebbs and flows over time.
I guess you either let it define you or try to accept it and live with it rather than kicking against it.
Sorry that's probably not very helpful.

CounsellorTroi · 07/12/2021 22:57

It does get easier. I’m 60 now, and I’m at peace with it.

PriamFarrl · 07/12/2021 22:59

It’s a little like grief. You don’t get over it, you learn to live with it. Most of the time it isn’t a problem and you get on but every so often it gets you.
I’m lucky in that many of my friends don’t have children so I’m not the odd one out.

Original poster
daisydoh · 07/12/2021 23:02

@PriamFarrl I definitely think the circles you have makes a massive difference. Every single one of my friends has children so it's always a bit of a constant reminder - makes it tougher I think you're right

OP posts:
TAKESNOSHITSHIRLEY · 07/12/2021 23:26

im 41 and have severe pcos and have never seen a period

i was told at 17 i was infertile due to underdeveloped ovaries on one side and hundred of cysts on the other.
i would never get pregnant unless ivf and someone else's eggs or adoption

BUT i have 2 kids naturally ,all my eggs and a normal naturally pregnancy. no idea how as like i said ive never had a period even to this day.
i got pregnant in 03 and after 4 years of clomid tablets got pregnant in 09 both the same dad

both healthy pregnancies in fact why healthy as i went enormous on both and both were very big babies.

i did go over 18 days with son 1 but that was confusion with conception dates not matching growth scans

so what im saying is doctors are not always right, nature sometimes overrides

Ozanj · 08/12/2021 00:16

You never do. Not even after you have your rainbow child. The 10 years we spent desperately searching every treatmemt, injecting, hoping, praying, it’s like a ghost that sits permanently on your back.

silentpool · 08/12/2021 00:20

It's a constant sadness but it gets less raw. Ultimately it is what it is and you have to find acceptance.

I find that I'm better off socialising with people without children - as you are a bit out of place in the child focused groups. Focus on the positives - free time etc. It also doesn't mean that you can't have relationships with kids - step-children, nieces/nephews, Big Sister volunteering etc.

readingismycardio · 08/12/2021 06:29

I wonder this too. We're still in early days of infertility, it seems to be a mixed cause, however we do have an appointment with an infertility specialist and he might (or might not) propose IVF. We shall live and see. In my head I'm trying to get to terms with the fact that it might happen, or might as well never happen. Like yourself, almost my friends have children or are pregnant atm. it sucks.

DaveMinion · 08/12/2021 06:32

Yeah it does get better. You don't sound like you are near the end yet though.

We tried for 12 years and had at least 5 miscarriages (some I didn't test but suspected). I'm 44 now and although sometimes I still have that pang of sadness, I couldn't deal with a baby now. I'm way too tired.

Good luck. Hope all goes well for you. Try not to let it run your life though (hard as that is I know).

Twizbe · 08/12/2021 06:36

I don't think you do get over it, but you can learn to accept it.

After 2.5 years of trying and before starting IVF I started down the path of acceptance. I knew adoption wasn't for me, I was iffy about IVF but agreed to give it one go. I started to plan the childless life. I think it would always have been childless rather than child free, but I was seeing the good things. I'd planned a career change, holidays, house renovations etc. all things that couldn't be done with kids.

Aprilx · 08/12/2021 06:53

I am 51. I don’t know that “got over it” is the expression I would personally use if describing the situation of being child free not through choice. “Come to terms with it” or “accepted it” would be better way of describing my own thoughts.

But the anxiety I felt about not being pregnant in my 30s definitely started to fade all by itself. And in some ways I was relieved when I knew it couldn’t happen any more, at least I knew.

There is a very deep hidden sadness somewhere, but not something that comes to the surface and don’t think it would unless I really forced it. It wasn’t my destiny, I get on with living my life.

UseOfWeapons · 08/12/2021 06:54

I’m 55, and like a PP, I’m at peace with it.
Miscarriages, IVF, IUI….all in the past. After having a recalcitrant reproductive system all my life, my menopause was easier than any of my friends and family. Payback?,
I would have a loved a child, but it wasn’t to be, and I made a conscious decision not to wreck the rest of my life with regret, or seeking the one doctor who might have given me a child. After my last miscarriage, I had several months off, and that helped me to heal, and get my head together. All my friends have kids, 4born after IVF, and I’m glad for the, without wanting them now myself.

ineedsun · 08/12/2021 07:01

What this thread shows me is that it is an immensely personal thing. Some people do and some people don’t get over it. I have, others haven’t, some people it comes and goes. I have to say though that the ‘reassuring’ stories of people falling pregnant having been told they were infertile were the worst bit of infertility for me because they bring new hope which for many makes it harder to accept and process what’s happening. I know it’s a personal experience and intended to be reassuring but I urge people to think about the impact of sharing them with women who are trying to process their infertility.

I’m sure that you will find your own way through it, whatever that looks like for you. Take care of yourself Flowers Cake

CounsellorTroi · 08/12/2021 09:32

I have to say though that the ‘reassuring’ stories of people falling pregnant having been told they were infertile were the worst bit of infertility for me because they bring new hope which for many makes it harder to accept and process what’s happening. I know it’s a personal experience and intended to be reassuring but I urge people to think about the impact of sharing them with women who are trying to process their infertility.

I second this.

ChangeChingyChange · 08/12/2021 09:52

But you're not necessarily infertile? 3 years is not long to try, sorry. Not minimising anything but just saying you still should have hope however hard it seems. I tried for 5 years, nothing happened, both of us got checked out, I was told to lose more weight and my husband was told his sperm was slow and wonky and we would not likely ever conceive. A year later after we stopped trying and thinking about it we conceived. For baby number 2 we conceived in month 1 of trying. There is sometimes no set rhyme or reason and the "experts" are often wrong. Good luck OP.

Ozanj · 08/12/2021 10:32

@ineedsun

What this thread shows me is that it is an immensely personal thing. Some people do and some people don’t get over it. I have, others haven’t, some people it comes and goes. I have to say though that the ‘reassuring’ stories of people falling pregnant having been told they were infertile were the worst bit of infertility for me because they bring new hope which for many makes it harder to accept and process what’s happening. I know it’s a personal experience and intended to be reassuring but I urge people to think about the impact of sharing them with women who are trying to process their infertility.

I’m sure that you will find your own way through it, whatever that looks like for you. Take care of yourself Flowers Cake

I agree but OP has only been ttc for 3 years and as such she needs the full picture because the pain doesn’t go away after you have a baby. I was infertile. Went through it for 10 years and finally was able to keep a pregnancy to 40 weeks through a drug combination that is only available through private IVF. It worked yes but the 10 years of IVF and infertility ruined my (only) pregnancy, caused prenatal and postnatal anxiety, PTSD and depression. And because of Covid I’m only now getting the therapies that will help (previously I only had access to online CBT through the clinic).
TakeMe2Insanity · 08/12/2021 11:48

We ttc for 10 years before having our ds. I had operations, treatments etc and it was horrible and gruelling . I cried non stop at every little thing, every little baby that would smile at me. I couldn’t cope with toddlers waving at me. I was constantly in a state of misery and couldn’t see a way out. It was horrible. Even when I finally was pregnant I knew everything was ok but still couldn’t believe it would happen due to previous miscarriage. When ds arrived I was in shock. We then tried for a sibling and that’s been it’s own journey - 5 years now. I’ve had 4 miscarriages in a row including a late one. I don’t cry constantly but I think that’s more about ds’s existence. Infertility is like living with constant grief in that you learn to live, to coexist with it. You have to function so you do but it’s always there its always part of your life. Lots of ds friends have 3 year old siblings and I am acutely aware that for me that child is missing. Pre dc I would have avoided facing the pain but I have to pick him up from school so I live with it.

I have 2 very dear friends who closed the door on ttc (without children) and both said that once they closed the door they felt better as they could finally control something.

There isn’t a right way or a wrong way to process it. The best advise we were gibe If you are going down the medical route would be to get your body as healthy as possible and try to earn as much money as possible. It’s amazing what options exist once you are in world of private ivf. Don’t be afraid to look into clinics abroad but covid is a bit of game changer in that area.

TakeMe2Insanity · 08/12/2021 11:52

@Ozanj

You never do. Not even after you have your rainbow child. The 10 years we spent desperately searching every treatmemt, injecting, hoping, praying, it’s like a ghost that sits permanently on your back.
This
SilverHairedCat · 08/12/2021 11:55

Have you actually had any tests? We thought it was me that was the "problem". Turns out it is DH.

And no, we haven't recovered fully and it's been 7yrs since we started trying. We aren't doing IVF for a multitude of reasons. I'm sick of people asking if we've considered all the options. Of course we have. I've been crippled by being unable to think of much else for 7 years. I haven't just realised that adoption exists.

We've also been turned down for adoption and I think the shock of that was harder than finding out about the infertility as it's a rejection of who we are and our life experiences. I'm still reeling and it's been years.

It's also not a competition - people who have been through multiple times IVFs aren't grieving more or less than anyone else, all of our grief is different. It doesn't mean our experience is less worthy of empathy.

gabsdot45 · 08/12/2021 12:10

I consider myself healed from infertility. Adopting my son healed me.
I don't know what I would be like if I hadn't adopted. Life was pretty shxt
I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Veenah · 08/12/2021 12:18

@CounsellorTroi

I have to say though that the ‘reassuring’ stories of people falling pregnant having been told they were infertile were the worst bit of infertility for me because they bring new hope which for many makes it harder to accept and process what’s happening. I know it’s a personal experience and intended to be reassuring but I urge people to think about the impact of sharing them with women who are trying to process their infertility.

I second this.

I third this. I'm still trying to conceive and undergoing treatment but I'm also trying to come to terms with the fact that it might not happen. That's a potential outcome that I'm trying to process and accept but if I ever say that online or in real life it tends to result in immediately being told stories of miracle babies. It's well meaning but there's not always the desired happy ending and that's something I need to get my head around rather than clinging desperately to every positive story.