To ask if you ever get over being infertile?

[daisydoh]

Sorry for asking but I think I'm possibly heading down the road of infertility (trying for three years almost and two mc, no positive fora while now)

I haven't processed it yet but I'm starting to get to grips with the fact it's a real possibility and I'm scared.

Not sure why I'm scared because I've always been ambivalent about children anyway but to know I can't changes the script slightly. It makes me a mixture of sad and relieved - I can't quite explain.

Anyway, if you're infertile do you feel it gets easier as time goes by or harder to process?

I hope this post doesn't offend anyone

I personally think that you can probably accept it as time goes on, as you grieve for the life you didn’t have. However, I don’t think that process really starts until you’ve exhausted all the options you want to take in terms of trying for a baby.

We needed a lot of treatment which did in the end result in our DD, we tried again for 3 years for a sibling but it wasn’t to be. I only really started to accept our family was complete once we’d ended all treatment and stopped trying.

Sorry you’re going through this, it’s tough.

My family member never got over it. She really wanted kids. She's in her 50s now and still has to have social media breaks when she sees too many pregnancy announcements. She says some of her friends are starting to become grannies now and it's like a new stage in the grief , accepting she'll never have those experiences either.
She's got a lovely husband, a lovely home, a job she enjoys and is well off. So she has happiness. There's just a hole that will never fill sadly.

I struggle constantly with it. It's hard to really come to terms with it when it's the norm for society. Friends, relatives, TV programmes, adverts - families everywhere. As a result I feel very alienated. It's hard not to feel resentful sometimes. I have found my crew thanks to Gateway but I think they have become quieter over Covid.

@Ozanj - I don't mean this unkindly but saying 'the pain doesn't go away after you have a baby' is not necessarily true - for some people that may be the case, but not for all.

Also regarding what a pp said upthread, while I am at peace with never having had a child, the ten years we spent trying - the tests, the endless internal scans and injections, the hope followed by crushing disappointment and sadness- I haven’t forgotten. It was at a time when infertility was still a taboo subject, the Internet was in its infancy and connecting with people in the same situation was difficult. It was a bleak and lonely time.

Took me 3 years of trying for DS1, almost certainly with one early miscarriage along the way. Had him at 33. Took over 4 years trying for DS2, 3 confirmed mcs and almost certainly a fourth before the first confirmed one. Had him at 40. Was told at 30 that I had poor ovarian function so it didn’t look good from then on. Also had one knackered tube after childhood appendicitis.
I had got my head around infertility at 32 and we began the adoption journey. And then I got pregnant with DS1.
With DS2 I was advised by the miscarriage clinic consultant to only keep trying if my mental health could stand it - were the mcs getting easier to deal with or harder. They were getting easier so I kept going and the next one was DS2.
I also worked out exactly when I was most fertile -naturally, not using the ovulation sticks as they showed you when you’d already ovulation so could be too late. When the vaginal mucus goes transparent and stretchy, that’s the time to go for it. Sorry if that’s too much info!! Took my pregnancy rate up from once every two years to every four or five months. Finally I must have popped out a decent egg at almost 40 and we got lucky with DS2.
I know I could have accepted only having DS1 if it had never happened again - and I would have remembered how lucky I was. But I don’t think I could have accepted having no child at all. It would have been adoption for us.

I'm currently in the midst of my battle. Diagnosed PCOS coupled with an underactive thyroid has meant that I have barely 4 periods a year and I naturally only ovulate in about half of them. I've just finished my second round of clomid and am facing the prospect of an HSG and then IVF. It's terrifying. I am not at peace with my struggle, I am not at the point where I feel like I can be positive and just do all I can do. It feels tremendously unfair and I am lost in it. I hope it does eventually get better but right now it's a black hole.

[quote StepAwayFromGoogling]@Ozanj - I don't mean this unkindly but saying 'the pain doesn't go away after you have a baby' is not necessarily true - for some people that may be the case, but not for all.[/quote]
That is not what my mw and counsellor said. PND, PNA, PTSD, long term MH problems are all more common amongst women who have babies after a long period of infertility. That’s why fertility clinics offer free counselling.

I think we gave up trying about five years ago, after about 15 years of TTC. I wouldn't necessarily say I'm "over it", and I doubt that I fully ever will be, but it's not something I think about that much these days.

There's a big relief in having put that part of my life well and truly behind me. I've found other things I want to pursue that feel meaningful to me (nothing grande, no great career here or sailing round the world - just things that make me feel excited in life). These days I can embrace many of the positive sides of being child-free. Random adverts and people having babies don't catch me with all the emotions quite like they used to. Having said that, I suspect the childlessness will continue to still hit me now and again for the rest of my life. It just won't define all of it.

It’s a bit like having a scar that you don’t notice is there most of the time but still very occasionally itches or aches.

The that hit me like a truck a fortnight ago was an ad with a woman reading a bedtime story to a small child. It came from nowhere - I'm usually fine with pregnancy, new baby stuff etc on TV. I burst into instant tears at the idea of never reading a story to a young child of my own. I'm a huge book lover and despite my parents many deficiencies, they instilled my love of reading with lots of stories as a kid.

It ebbs and flows for me. Sometimes I'm almost OK with it, and others I really struggle. I don't think it'll ever truly go away

@Ozanj - yes, more common, but not a given.

Infertility and the grief that comes with it does stay with you but it becomes less intense.

It was made easier for me through adoption. When my DC were young I was too busy enjoying them to think too deeply about my infertility.

It's now that that I'm 51 with a couple of teenagers that the sadness has come back a little. I keep thinking that maybe if I had seen a different doctor , tried new treatments , not had IVF at all or maybe had more IVF I may have had the chance to give birth. Knowing that I can't go back in time and do things differently makes me sad.

I love my DC who were adopted as young babies but that feeling of never having experienced a successful pregnancy and childbirth never goes away.

When I first accepted my infertility and decided to adopt I had a contraceptive coil fitted. In a weird way that made things easier for me while I went through the adoption process. It took away that constant cycle of wondering if this would be the month it finally happens only to be disappointed yet again. It allowed me to feel in control of my body for the first time since I'd started TTC 8 years before.

[quote StepAwayFromGoogling]@Ozanj - yes, more common, but not a given.[/quote]
Yes well nothing’s a given really with IVF. Some people handle the process really well regardless of how successful it is. Most do not and whether it is successful or not doesn’t always make a difference in the support that’s required. There will always be grief when you’ve been suffering through this for many years.

@SilverHairedCat

The that hit me like a truck a fortnight ago was an ad with a woman reading a bedtime story to a small child. It came from nowhere - I'm usually fine with pregnancy, new baby stuff etc on TV. I burst into instant tears at the idea of never reading a story to a young child of my own. I'm a huge book lover and despite my parents many deficiencies, they instilled my love of reading with lots of stories as a kid.

I was the same reading Paper Dolls to my class. It was the part where the little girl grows up and becomes a mummy. I went to pieces.

I just got used to it. I used to here hearing about others pregnancies....i was so jealous. I did my best to hide it, because it's not the fault of those getting pregnant.

Strangely, having a hysterectomy at 49 helped (I had a huge fibroid which didn't help my fertility). Once I knew a pregnancy was out of the question, I accepted it easier.

I'm often pleased about it the. I think the expectations of going to uni regardless of ability is often tough. I'm in my 50s and when I was at school only a small minority went. That and the fact that house prices are astronomical and council housing almost non existent means it's really difficult for young people starting out without help from Bank of Mum and dad.

We've got a dog and tbh my maternal instinct is harnessed towards her!

I do worry about who'll keep an eye on me when I'm old....i wouldn't want them to actually look after me but at least knowing there's someone watching my back would be nice.

The=tbh

It starts hurting less once you stop hoping, but that takes a very long time. It wasn’t until my mid-forties (after 8byrs ttc) that the grief/obsession began to fade and I could enjoy looki g st other people’s babies again. Sort of.

It still stings. It’ll always sting. Just no longer the burst-into-tears-when-you-see-a-mummy-duck-with-ten-babies sting.

Myself and the ex tried for over five years including a rake of miscarriages, an ectopic and three failed IUIs. He gave up on me and found the ow, who he got pregnant the month we would have had our first round of IVF (after 2 years on the waiting list). I'm now staring down 40, with a new partner who loses his words any time I mention babies or the future. Unfortunately he's a good one so I believe it's better to have him and no kids to losing him for an ever-slimming chance at getting pregnant. I regularly get asked What about trying IVF alone?? or You can always adopt!! I'm too poor to go it alone, and after the mental breakdown and fall into alcohol abuse that followed the implosion of my life and loss of my home and career, adoption is well and truly out. So, no. I don't feel I'll ever get over it. I don't know if I'll ever accept it. It started off with so much hope and joy and now I'm left ruined, sails limp and no compass.

I’m mid-40s and spent many years TTC, trying everything recommended to me like crazy diets, herbal supplements, acupuncture etc if someone said that it worked for them.

We made the decision to adopt a couple of years ago and for my DH to have a vasectomy and I appreciate it’s not for everyone but the vasectomy actually helped me mentally. My whole life had begun to revolve around getting pregnant and my mental health wasn’t great as I’d gone through multiple MC and honestly don’t think I could have gone through another. We took time to grieve then began the adoption process and now have a LO who came to us at 20 months old.

I do still get twinges of “why not me” when I see women who are pregnant but it’s not the all consuming grief and jealousy that it used to be.

What @Skysblue said - couldn’t have articulated it better if I tried

I do think that the insensitivity of mothers can make it so much harder to move on. There are plenty of examples on this thread.

I was in denial for years, for the possibility of being infertile. I think at some point I accept that my body is working (not) like others... I don't know, to be honest there are moments I feel more open and accepting of my situation and others when I feel quite the opposite. Would love to be more stable at some point.