DD (10) reporting high anxiety to teacher, tell me a Good Day at school. AIBU to ignore the issue (at least for the evening)?

[LivingInABuildingSite]

Get a call from DDs school.
At lunch she apparently went to the pastoral type area and after some time ‘spilled the beans’ on lots of things that are worrying her.
No details of these things are given to me - other than vague references to friendship issues, and possibly worrying about anxiety 🤨
Ie worried about being worried?

She didn’t want the teacher ringing me, but after more discussion agreed she could.

When I pick her up she doesn’t any anything about any of it, spontaneously tells me it was a Good Day and acts totally normally.

Backstory - she is a bit of a drama Queen. We’ve had phases where she would go to different staff members and say about worries. To the point there they allocated one member of staff she could see only at lunchtimes to spill her worries.
After a few days she felt she had nothing to spill.

I feel they encourage some sort of worry level at school, I get kids can be anxious, and we should all be mindful of mental health issues being swept under the carpet, but sometimes it feels like they’re almost searching for something?

I am a bit of a ‘get on with it’ type parent I guess, not really into touch feely let’s discuss our emotions.

But really I feel she has nothing to worry about!
We haven’t got elderly ill relatives.
We are comfortable financially.
She has her own room, recently done out the way she wants, she wants for nothing (I hope she’s not spoilt and we do say no to crap/tat/stuff) but she has everything she needs in life.

What anxiety does she have? The only thing really is the other girls at school, some of whom sound like right brats - but I say sound like as she tells stories and I can’t always believe them.
I hardly ever ring school (ex-teacher) to complain, I once did after she said about a particular girl punching her in the stomach. Never happened. She was embarrassed, I was furious, and had to pretend it was ok as she told the teacher she was worried about me being cross!
(No DV or violence in the house, but she’s right I was cross: for lying to me, and I was embarrassed too for ringing the school!).

Anyway AIBU to just stick my head in the sand and completely ignore the issue?
I have no words that will make her feel un-anxious, so surely will end up making her feel I’m dismissing her feelings.

YABVU to brush it off and pretend it hasn't happened.

She's been very brave to go to someone at school and speak to them, and then to allow them to speak to you.

Please support your daughter.

I think you are at risk of being dismissive of your DD. You need to speak to her and properly ask her about it.

This isn’t going to go well for you OP. But I do agree with you to an extent.

It all sounds a bit attention-seekery to me. Is she trying to get your attention?

I am a bit of a ‘get on with it’ type parent I guess, not really into touch feely let’s discuss our emotions

You don’t say!

YABVU. Your daughter is asking for help and you need to support her.

There’s a book for her age group called What To Do When You Worry Too Much which she might find helpful. But she also needs support from you to hear what she’s telling you without dismissing it.

Wow poor kid. She's definitely not going to discuss things with you if you dismiss her feeling so readily.
Try asking her if anything is bothering her even if it's things that wouldn't bother you, try not to invalidate her feelings.

You come across as very ignorant of mental illness. Anxiety is not about material things, you can have the most seemingly carefree life but still carry around a heap of anxiety.

The fact that you are so dismissive of anxiety is why she has gone to someone at school.

Anxiety is not "worrying about ill relatives" or "finances" it isn't worrying about specific issues it is much bigger than that.

Perhaps you could read up on anxiety and try and have some listening conversations with your daughter.

Just because you don't think she has anything to worry about, doesn't mean she's not worrying.
Covid, war, other people, exams, body image - there are a million things she could be worrying about and if you tend to brush it off, she may tell you she's having a good day because she knows you'll brush it off. If she thinks you'll dismiss her fears/tell her she shouldn't be worrying about whatever is worrying about, then she may well lie and say everything is fine.

I think the act of making up anxiety, in itself, is worth making a space for. In my opinion, if things are 'brushed under the carpet' they can unravel later in life. Just be aware that children can mask quite big challenges. The female presentation of autism for example can be anxiety, telling fibs .. can even be a trait of a girl on the spectrum. I'm not saying she is autistic but just that anxiety be a symptom of something you might not deem to be a big deal eg. Sensory overwhelm, social rules .. etc. If she is seeking attention. There will be a reason for it?

My son 10 has a seemingly 'perfect' life which looking in you might think what worries would he have? In fact, he has crippling anxiety which we brushed off and made his situation ten times worse. Validate her feelings even if you think she is being a drama queen.

Don't be dismissive and maybe aknowlege that you need to outsource the emotional support of its not your biggest strength.

She's looking for attention. I would have it out with her.

I'm with you. Mine once told her form teacher that her big cousin had been in a serious car crash. I think she was embarrassed at being caught daydreaming. And she does enjoy a dramatic narrative. Luckily, school phoned me to ask if everything was ok. I had to check with my SIL. I made DD go into school the next day and apologise to her teacher. She felt awful, but it's important not to lie about things like that. If she's feeling sad and needs somewhere to be, she's allowed to ask for that without making up a bunch of drama.

@icedcoffees

YABVU to brush it off and pretend it hasn't happened.

She's been very brave to go to someone at school and speak to them, and then to allow them to speak to you.

Please support your daughter.

The amount of courage involved depends on the child though. When I was teaching there would be certain kids who would always want to talk through problems even if it was pretty obvious those problems weren't problematic to them! There was no courage involved at all. Some kids really do like the attention of an adult and then happily go on their way. I'm not saying that's what this girl is like but some are. And of course there are other children who are very very brave indeed to talk about their problems to teachers.

Thanks for all the replies, I do appreciate everyone’s POV.

As I hope I’ve made clear, I haven’t said anything precisely because I don’t want to invalidate her feelings and make her feel dismissed.

Right now she’s skipping around, helping make pizza and looking forward to scouts.

She may well be attention seeking but I think it’s from school not me.

I know that materials things aren’t everything, I’m not swanning through life ignorant of mental health. I’ve had times where life has been very tough indeed.

I accept that there may be issues I don’t perceive as worrisome that bother her. I need a good opening to try and let her get some stuff out without me starting out on the wrong foot.
Ie my temptation would be to start:
So, School says you’re worried about stuff, I don’t know what you have to be worried about.
Which I can see is closing off discussion. Hence why I haven’t started Anything.

The book sounds great though, thanks, I will look it up and maybe get it before trying and failing to get it right with her.

It might not always be apparent or obvious to us as adults what our children are worrying about but the fact she tells adults at school she has anxieties tells me they are likely the people she feels comfortable telling for whatever reason. It's fair enough not everyone is comfortable with sharing feelings openly but I think it's important we learn to do this to some degree at least with our children for the sake of their mental health. Even if your daughter is 'attention seeking', there is usually an underlying reason why young people feel the need to seek attention. She might not feel she feel seen, heard, appreciated even. You sound like you are a fabulous parent and from the fact you are posting this shows you care deeply about your DD so I would say it is important in this instance to connect with her and see what is going on in her head at the moment. I have personal experience of 'get on with it' style parenting and although there are lots of benefits to this approach it can sometimes breed problems with mental health and lack of understanding of DC.

@LivingInABuildingSite

Thanks for all the replies, I do appreciate everyone’s POV.

As I hope I’ve made clear, I haven’t said anything precisely because I don’t want to invalidate her feelings and make her feel dismissed.

Right now she’s skipping around, helping make pizza and looking forward to scouts.

She may well be attention seeking but I think it’s from school not me.

I know that materials things aren’t everything, I’m not swanning through life ignorant of mental health. I’ve had times where life has been very tough indeed.

I accept that there may be issues I don’t perceive as worrisome that bother her. I need a good opening to try and let her get some stuff out without me starting out on the wrong foot.
Ie my temptation would be to start:
So, School says you’re worried about stuff, I don’t know what you have to be worried about.
Which I can see is closing off discussion. Hence why I haven’t started Anything.

The book sounds great though, thanks, I will look it up and maybe get it before trying and failing to get it right with her.

Maybe you could open with something like "School have mentioned you are feeling anxious about some things. I would love it if you could talk it through with me and maybe I could help."

It all sounds a bit attention-seekery to me. Is she trying to get your attention?

Christ on a bike.

She's looking for attention. I would have it out with her.

Have it out with a 10 year old?

So, School says you’re worried about stuff, I don’t know what you have to be worried about.

You need to say 'do you want to talk about it?' Not dismiss her completely by saying you don't know what she has to be worried about. You say that it's no wonder she doesn't tell you anything. She knows she'll be dismissed.

She probably senses you're not a good person to talk to so she goes to the pastoral team where she knows she's not going to be dismissed. No point being anything but happy at home as that seems to be all you can tolerate.

@HollowTalk - that is what I’m thinking.
She tends to find what I would describe as the ‘softer’ teachers who seem to want to pander to her almost.

Anyway, pizza is ready!

Did you ever think that maybe she feels more comfortable talking to teachers at school than you because you describe her as a "drama queen" who has no reason to be worried?

If it were me, I would be asking myself why she didn't feel comfortable talking to me and starting that discussion.

What anxiety does she have?

That's exactly the point - anxiety isn't rational, it isn't specific things that you worry about (when there's a reason, that's just normal worry - not anxiety), anxiety is panicking without there being a "real" reason to - it's still a very valid feeling. I've suffered with anxiety for as long as I can remember, if it weren't for the teachers at my school I wouldn't have ever spoken to anyone about it. I hated that I didn't feel I could talk to my mum - ask yourself what you can do to help instead of already deciding she can't possible be anxious because she "wants for nothing"

It's really not surprising that your daughter is asking for help when you talk about her like that. If you're not good at talking about mental health, emotions and feelings then she needs a safe place to go to get that support. Or you can have a casual chat with her in the car on the way to school tomorrow about how you're always open to chat with her or X member of staff and she can come to you with any worries.

She's happier this evening because someone listened to her today

@Nellesbelles thank you that’s a great line and I shall use it.

Over dinner she brought up that todays birthday girl had left her out of receiving chocolates/sweets (probably/ hopefully unintentionally as DD was doing a job for the teacher at breaktime). So I feel that may have been the trigger.

But, after scouts, when we have time and the boys are elsewhere I shall ask.

[quote LivingInABuildingSite]@HollowTalk - that is what I’m thinking.
She tends to find what I would describe as the ‘softer’ teachers who seem to want to pander to her almost.

Anyway, pizza is ready![/quote]
Jesus - she's ten! What's wrong with pandering to a 10yo to some extent?

Maybe she talks to her "softer" teachers because she knows they won't dismiss her like you do...

Maybe it’s less that she’s anxious and more that she’s seeking a bit of nurturing and feels the only way to do that is to have “worries”

You sound like a bit of a cold fish so maybe that’s why she’s seeking out the softer teachers.