DD (10) reporting high anxiety to teacher, tell me a Good Day at school. AIBU to ignore the issue (at least for the evening)?

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Get a call from DDs school.
At lunch she apparently went to the pastoral type area and after some time ‘spilled the beans’ on lots of things that are worrying her.
No details of these things are given to me - other than vague references to friendship issues, and possibly worrying about anxiety 🤨
Ie worried about being worried?

She didn’t want the teacher ringing me, but after more discussion agreed she could.

When I pick her up she doesn’t any anything about any of it, spontaneously tells me it was a Good Day and acts totally normally.

Backstory - she is a bit of a drama Queen. We’ve had phases where she would go to different staff members and say about worries. To the point there they allocated one member of staff she could see only at lunchtimes to spill her worries.
After a few days she felt she had nothing to spill.

I feel they encourage some sort of worry level at school, I get kids can be anxious, and we should all be mindful of mental health issues being swept under the carpet, but sometimes it feels like they’re almost searching for something?

I am a bit of a ‘get on with it’ type parent I guess, not really into touch feely let’s discuss our emotions.

But really I feel she has nothing to worry about!
We haven’t got elderly ill relatives.
We are comfortable financially.
She has her own room, recently done out the way she wants, she wants for nothing (I hope she’s not spoilt and we do say no to crap/tat/stuff) but she has everything she needs in life.

What anxiety does she have? The only thing really is the other girls at school, some of whom sound like right brats - but I say sound like as she tells stories and I can’t always believe them.
I hardly ever ring school (ex-teacher) to complain, I once did after she said about a particular girl punching her in the stomach. Never happened. She was embarrassed, I was furious, and had to pretend it was ok as she told the teacher she was worried about me being cross!
(No DV or violence in the house, but she’s right I was cross: for lying to me, and I was embarrassed too for ringing the school!).

Anyway AIBU to just stick my head in the sand and completely ignore the issue?
I have no words that will make her feel un-anxious, so surely will end up making her feel I’m dismissing her feelings.

she is a bit of a drama Queen.

I don't blame her for skipping around at home now. If this is how you think of her, then what would it help if she actually made you see how she really feels? You probably wouldn't believe her anyway.

I feel they encourage some sort of worry level at school, I get kids can be anxious, and we should all be mindful of mental health issues being swept under the carpet, but sometimes it feels like they’re almost searching for something?

Bloody hell. Yeah, being aware of children's mental health struggles is 'searching for issues'.

I am a bit of a ‘get on with it’ type parent I guess, not really into touch feely let’s discuss our emotions.

Evidently. Poor kid. I hope she has someone else to speak to about 'touchy feely' stuff. Jesus.

But really I feel she has nothing to worry about!

I can't actually believe you would dismiss your child like this.

Anyway AIBU to just stick my head in the sand and completely ignore the issue?

I mean, you could. Especially since you seem okay with her not engaging with you on a personal level. But for her sake, I hope you cop on.

I agree - in some sectors they're pushing 'mental health awareness' so hard that it's tipped over into being absurdly overeager to pathologise normal behavior (nobody is just mildly fretting it's always an anxiety issue).

The fact she only has these problems at school where they make a big fuss and coddle her if she does but it perfectly fine at home where you treat her sensibly suggests she's putting it on because she enjoys the reaction.

When certain teachers are chomping at the bit to show that they're providing 'mental health support/accommodations' because it is what looks good career wise, you may well find that they're offering all sorts of special treatment like getting out of difficult work and extra breaks to any child that is momentarily concerned or sad but willing to play it up as anxiety and depression.

I was a bit like this as a child - I would attach myself to any 'motherly' figure I could find (other kids parents, teachers, activity leaders etc.) because my mother was totally emotionally unavailable while I was growing up and I was desperate for someone to listen to me and tell me my feelings mattered.

I still have to stop myself doing this now and I'm 36. My mother and I do not have a good relationship.

I think the best thing is to say 'I'm glad you seem fine now, but I was sad to hear you'd been feeling anxious, would you like to talk about it?'

The answer will probably be 'No', in which case you say 'I want you to know that you can talk to me about it if and when you're ready.'

DD was also unhappy at the same age - I knew, because we shared my laptop and it came up in search history when I typed something in that she'd searched for Childline, so I looked at the history and it seemed she'd looked up some things about depression, so I told her I knew that she'd looked this stuff up, and it was OK if she didn't want to tell me, but she could do so when ready.

And it was about month or two later that she did tell me she thought she might be depressed, so we got in touch with with the GP and the local youth MH team were surprisingly good and arranged telephone counselling for her, which seemed to help.

My inclination was to think 'She can't really be depressed I mean, I was a bit miserable at that age but it wasn't actually depression', and though I always intended to call the GP when I posted about it here it was a big reminder from other posters not to project myself too much onto her or DS!

Well, there's obviously something bothering her. Whether it's an unmet need driving her behaviour or general anxiety. I have to say if you are always so brisk and 'get on with it, what do you have to worry about' it's no wonder she is anxious about feeling anxious.

The fact she only has these problems at school where they make a big fuss and coddle her if she does but it perfectly fine at home where you treat her sensibly suggests she's putting it on because she enjoys the reaction.

Or maybe she's acting fine at home because she knows her mother will dismiss her, so she doesn't think she should bother showing how she actually feels?

I'm with both sides of this thread.

Everyone worries sometimes, that is normal. It may be over something small, and she may need to see/learn that this is a part of life which we just need to get on with. If that is the case, hopefully the learning is about redirecting your attention onto something else.

Anxiety is when the worries are ongoing and not based in reality. It's all too easy to slip from normal worries into worries that are massive, particularly at that age. Sometimes, the happiest children slip down this route - they have no experience of conflict or adversity so when the realities of life become apparent (eg not everyone likes you!) it can become crippling. Also search "emotional asychrony" - very bright children can become intellectually aware of the challenges of life but don't have the emotional ability to cope with them.

For now, she needs someone to talk to. That someone may need to explain to her briefly that birthday girl didn't mean to leave her out, and that there is nothing there to worry about - wallowing in it just amplifies the worry next time. They also need to be alert to the signs of a child who is genuinely suffering from anxiety and worrying about everything, and to seek appropriate help when needed.

That person needs to be you, or maybe the class teacher - someone who knows her as a whole individual rather than just the worries, which is a risk with pastoral workers!

Wow.

What can she possibly have to worry about ?

You do realise that’s not how anxiety works yes ?

I can certainly see why she wouldn’t be inclined to tell you if she was worried or what about.

Perhaps you could find a way to speak to her that doesn’t involve dismissing her feelings in the opening sentence ?

God some people on here re really coming down hard on OP.
I think you've got a realistic view of children from your teaching experience. But it needs to be balanced with an open mind. Boy who cried wolf comes to mind.
I'd ask her about it - school said you'd been anxious, anything happen today? She's aware school are calling and is likely expecting you to broach the subject, she might not be able to start that conversation.
Hopefully nothing to worry about and storytelling again but I would always ask. If something does happen or it worsened at school, and they find out you didn't ask, you'll have social care crawling all over you.

I agree with you OP. We seem to have the idea that being 'worried' or 'upset' about something is somehow wrong rather than normal. It is normal to have a bad day, to be fed up of our friends or annoyed that we were left out of something. It is now often mislabelled as 'anxiety' and needing lots of intervention. There are children with mental health conditions who need additional support. There are also plenty of children who need help in understanding that having worries and doubts is normal and that acknowledging them and moving on is the right thing to do. I think your approach is spot on tbh.

The fact she only has these problems at school where they make a big fuss and coddle her if she does but it perfectly fine at home where you treat her sensibly suggests she's putting it on because she enjoys the reaction.

I wish people wouldn't give advice about things they clearly know nothing about. It's actually very common for children with anxiety and other emotional difficulties to present differently in different settings. This doesn't mean they're faking it or being manipulative. Some children are more anxious at school because they find social interactions with their peers stressful, but they get a break from this at home so appear more relaxed. Children also instinctively mask their anxieties in situations where they know adults aren't emotionally available to them. Of course she's going to mask her anxieties when she is with a parent who, by their own admission, can't deal with talking about emotions, thinks anxious children just need to be told to "get on with it" and describes her own DD as a "drama queen". Pastoral staff at school are professionals can tell when a child is genuinely anxious. They deal with everything from low-level emotional wellbeing issues to very serious and debilitating Mental Health issues. The fact that OP's instinct on getting a call from them is to "completely ignore" the problem speaks volumes.

But really I feel she has nothing to worry about!
We haven’t got elderly ill relatives.
We are comfortable financially.
She has her own room, recently done out the way she wants, she wants for nothing (I hope she’s not spoilt and we do say no to crap/tat/stuff) but she has everything she needs in life.

Right on. Not like there's been a global pandemic gripping everyone's lives for the last 2 years, and showing no signs of disappearing any time soon.

Unfort I have been a bit like you - I just get on with things and have always wondered what my very lucky daughter has to worry about!

But I have realised, with the help of family counselling, that just getting on with things is not unfortunately a good way to teach my daughter to deal with her anxieties. She needs to feel safe and loved - more praise and cuddles. She is a still a child emotionally even though she is in an adult's body.

If your daughter is reaching out to counsellors at school - she is reaching out for a reason. It doesn't matter that you feel she has no reason to - she feels she does and unless you get to the bottom of this she will never feel loved and valued.

Her behaviour is communication. There is something missing. So if she's "attention seeking"? That doesn't happen out of the blue, there is a need there , whatever that might be. Why dismiss it right away instead of trying to figure out what it is?

I'm the "softer" staff at my school. I just mostly listen and try to help if I can. I know the "get on with it" sneer and roll their eyes at me and oh what a waste of time it is and that I "pander" and give kids what they want.

I don't really give a shit. Kids feel safe and comfortable in talking to me and we build great trust and relationships. That's how I found out that x was self harming, y was witnessing DA, z was left to fend for themselves while their parents were off their heads with drugs, A was looking after her baby sister all night despite being only 7, B lived in fear of the step dad despite SS saying he wasn't allowed in the home and so on. Most things are silly, some just want a chat and to be heard or they have a temporary wobble that doesn't require much, some have an actual issue that requires some more support (self esteem, anxiety, struggles with their SEN, friendship issues etc.) and some need serious support and interventions . Since I don't have a crystal ball though , I listen to them all.

[quote LivingInABuildingSite]@Nellesbelles thank you that’s a great line and I shall use it.

Over dinner she brought up that todays birthday girl had left her out of receiving chocolates/sweets (probably/ hopefully unintentionally as DD was doing a job for the teacher at breaktime). So I feel that may have been the trigger.

But, after scouts, when we have time and the boys are elsewhere I shall ask.[/quote]
Consider asking how you can help . Even if she has no idea now, it will help her to think of solutions herself and think about what she actually wants /needs which will hopefully make it all clearer to you too.

My son has anxiety and has outbursts/issues in classes which he deals with via the senco. He then comes home, doesn’t tell me a thing and carries on his jolly happy way. Then when I get an email from school I’m surprised - I’ve questioned him on it and he just says he wants to be happy at home/put it to the back of his mind ie compartmentalise. Could it be that?

I know that I posted in AIBU and I have a thick skin so I can take it but some of you seem to want to relish the thought of me being completely emotionally dead and haven’t actually read that I was not going to start any discussion with my dismissive thoughts.

So sorry to the frothers, but I waited until we had privacy from her brothers butting in and time once she was settled in bed.

I used a combo I think of lines, about school ringing and saying she was worried during the day & did she want to talk about it.

She did and said they’d worked on a mind map of worries and where the worries came from. And it did stem from missing out on birthday chocolates. She had asked the birthday girl later who said story she’d run out. So I’m pretty sure it was unintentional and she knows she can always have a treat at home in those situations (she doesn’t really like sweets so often says no thank you if it’s just sweets and I substitute a chocolate later).

Anyway, she’s going to ask the pastoral lady to email me the mind map so we can both look at it.

And she knows she can always talk to me. I said I’d rather she spoke up about the little things, not bottling loads up as there isn’t always a teacher or parent around for a months worth of niggles, but five minutes here and there might be easier and more helpful. She agreed with that.

We also talked about how she needs to develop some strategies on her own for dealing with concerns/worries as she grows up.

And I said I’d ordered the book, so that might help or give her some tips too.

All in all, it’s fine, she’s fine and we have a plan going forward.

I couldn’t not say anything this evening but I’m tired (cos you know life, covid, other things going on in my life that you guys and she don’t know about but never mind because I’m emotionally stunted or something).

I just really didn’t feel like tricky parenting earlier.
So thanks, to all of you.

Hope no one’s too deflated that I haven’t dismissed her emotions and doomed her to a life of misery hating her mother.