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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that you should ask if people are willing to be a guardian?

39 replies

AskMeFirst · 07/12/2021 12:10

I found out last night that friends have me put down as a guardian for their 3 children and did so some time ago.

Now I know that I'm not obliged to do it and that I wouldn't necessarily be deemed the most appropriate person to look after them, even if it's their wishes and that it could just be making decisions for them but AIBU to think that they should have asked first? I'm not at all happy about it.

OP posts:

ny20005 · 07/12/2021 12:13

Jeez ! Of course they should have asked !!

Sunseeker90 · 07/12/2021 12:15

Yanbu at all
I asked my sister. She said no. And i never actually sorted this officially....must do this!

Hadalifeonce · 07/12/2021 12:17

Of course they should ask you. Obviously not sure how old the children are, but we asked our children then asked our friends.

blueluce85 · 07/12/2021 12:17

@sunseeker90 how can siblings say no?? I couldn't imagine sitting by watching my orphaned nephews grow up with strangers

Negligee · 07/12/2021 12:18

Of course you should ask. And arrange the finances to benefit that person in caring for your child while they're a minor.

And don't start me on the people who appear to believe that asking someone to be your child's godparent has some kind of legal 'guardian' status, rather than muttering something about repudiating Satan around the font...

Wombat69 · 07/12/2021 12:18

It could be worse, I found all sorts of random people above me in the list for the DC in my family.

That said, yes, it should have been discussed in advance. Only reasonable.

MorningStarling · 07/12/2021 12:19

[quote blueluce85]@sunseeker90 how can siblings say no?? I couldn't imagine sitting by watching my orphaned nephews grow up with strangers[/quote]
Maybe they didn't feel they'd be capable of being a guardian? Better be no guardian at all than be a poor or unwilling one.

pigsDOfly · 07/12/2021 12:30

Absolutely they should have asked.

This needs to ironed out with them.

If the situation every arose that they children needed a guardian, yes you could refuse, but it would put you in an awfully difficult position.

Very wrong of them.

RuggerHug · 07/12/2021 12:34

Christ, I thought it was bad enough when a relative willed their cat to someone without asking first! You definitely have to ask. (Catastrophe cover this quite well)

Original poster

AskMeFirst · 07/12/2021 12:45

They are all under 7 and one has SN. I think they thought that I'd be flattered/pleased. I was more horrified than anything. We will definitely be having a talk about it.

OP posts:

Babyvenusplant · 07/12/2021 12:47

[quote blueluce85]@sunseeker90 how can siblings say no?? I couldn't imagine sitting by watching my orphaned nephews grow up with strangers[/quote]
I know of a couple who watched their 10 year old granddaughter go into care when her mother (their daughter) died. Their excuse was that they felt they were too old, they were in their 50's at the time with no health concerns.

Negligee · 07/12/2021 12:49

@AskMeFirst

They are all under 7 and one has SN. I think they thought that I'd be flattered/pleased. I was more horrified than anything. We will definitely be having a talk about it.

Why would you be flattered? It's a huge responsibility, and would involve a complete reinvention of your life! And I definitely wouldn't be 'flattered' that someone thought I was the kind of person who could be handed an enormous, life-changing responsibility without any prior discussion!

Fatgalslim · 07/12/2021 12:53

@Babyvenusplant I guess they didn't want to have to start again when they've done their child rearing. It's very sad but they aren't obliged to take on their grandkids, my parents were in their 50s when they retired (very good early retirement deal that my dad got) and no way would they have wanted to take on young kids

MimiDaisy11 · 07/12/2021 12:54

@Babyvenusplant
Wow that’s so sad. I hope she’s ok.

sunflowerroses · 07/12/2021 12:59

Definitely should ask! We asked ours and have been asked by siblings which we've said yes to, we were also asked by a friend and we had to say no as I know we would really struggle with her's. She's divorced and the dad is in their lives so very unlikely both parents will die but still wouldn't want to promise something we couldn't do.

Rainbowshine · 07/12/2021 13:04

In the event a child needs a new home and guardian, and it’s not clear that the parents indicated who that should be or for whatever reason that is not a possibility, social services would look at the suitability among the wider family as potential kinship carers.

It takes a lot to care for a child that’s been through the huge trauma of losing a parent, so no one should feel duty bound as if it’s done with any resentment or serious reservations then that adult is probably not going to be the best person for the child.

Babyvenusplant · 07/12/2021 13:05

[quote Fatgalslim]@Babyvenusplant I guess they didn't want to have to start again when they've done their child rearing. It's very sad but they aren't obliged to take on their grandkids, my parents were in their 50s when they retired (very good early retirement deal that my dad got) and no way would they have wanted to take on young kids[/quote]
I know they're not obliged of course, but personally I couldn't watch my grandchild go into the care system. @MimiDaisy11 she is ok now and she's done extremely well in her life

MimiDaisy11 · 07/12/2021 13:28

@Babyvenusplant
Good for her and I agree I couldn’t let a grandchild or relative go into care. I’d find it hard to forgive my grandparents for that.

billy1966 · 07/12/2021 14:15

@Babyvenusplant wow!

I have kids still at school, mid 50's.

What sort of people would do that?

Even if they weren't keen, its not a newborn.

Shocking.

OP, I think some people just stick a name down and don't really think too deeply about it.

hotmeatymilk · 07/12/2021 14:21

Of course you ask! I’ve asked and been asked. In fact, there’s an extra reason for asking – to check someone isn’t already on the hook to be a guardian elsewhere.

I can’t imagine not asking and not organising finances to make it all viable. It’s not an Eva Ibbotson story.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 07/12/2021 14:29

Theoretically id take any of my nieces, nephews or God children tomorrow.

Practically speaking, it wouldn't be as easy as that. We would need a bigger house for starters.

Chikapu · 07/12/2021 14:33

Of course, it should have been discussed, it's a huge thing to assume. I'd most certainly say no if someone asked me.

SilverHairedCat · 07/12/2021 14:57

I'm to be guardian of my nephew should the worst happen. He's a lovely wee boy, adopted and very happy with his ace family. I do worry about the realities of it, as he doesn't really know me as I live a long way away. Frankly though I'd move there to raise him myself.

DH isn't on board, he thinks we'd move DN to us if it came to it - I think moving a traumatised child away from everyone and everything he knows would be a terrible idea. If it really came to it, I'd leave DH to do this. All the GPs who do know DN better are very elderly or have significant health issues. God forbid any of it become a reality.

Dacquoise · 07/12/2021 15:26

It's not always straightforward with family taking on family. A friend's DP is being pressured by Social Services to take on her daughter's children because she is unable to look after them properly. Daughter has a personality disorder and unfortunately her three children have developed serious behavioural issues as a consequence.

Poor woman is in her 60s, exhausted and being presented with this dilemma. What would you do?

Op, definately needs to be discussed, not assumed.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 07/12/2021 15:33

My now ex friend did this. 1 of her dc has SN and I have double figure dc myself!!

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