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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that you should ask if people are willing to be a guardian?

39 replies

AskMeFirst · 07/12/2021 12:10

I found out last night that friends have me put down as a guardian for their 3 children and did so some time ago.

Now I know that I'm not obliged to do it and that I wouldn't necessarily be deemed the most appropriate person to look after them, even if it's their wishes and that it could just be making decisions for them but AIBU to think that they should have asked first? I'm not at all happy about it.

OP posts:

insideoutsider · 07/12/2021 15:40

Yes, they should ask, blah blah - I agree.
However, I would be dead before I saw my nieces, nephews, friend's children etc go into care.

I know it can be very hard, but I can't imagine how hard it would be for the children, having lost their parents, going to live house to house with strangers, while Aunty InsideOut wasn't offering to take them. My siblings and best friends are the same.

I might not have a lot, but I have enough for those kids. What I don't have, I will beg for.

It makes me want to cry thinking about it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/12/2021 15:43

That’s mad OP. I’m down as a friend’s DC’s guardian if the worst happens and she wouldn’t accept my immediate yes and insisted DH and I had a proper discussion first.

Just10moreminutesplease · 07/12/2021 15:44

Of course you should ask first! I was 100% sure dsis and bil would be happy to take on their nephew if anything happened to me and my DH. I still asked them though. It’s just not something you can assume.

trumpisagit · 07/12/2021 15:58

We asked a friend he said, no.
I can't think of anyone else who I would really want them to live with, so the plan is not to die.
We are second choice guardian for a friend (if her brother couldn't do it we would), and would honour that if necessary

Negligee · 07/12/2021 16:06

@insideoutsider

Yes, they should ask, blah blah - I agree. However, I would be dead before I saw my nieces, nephews, friend's children etc go into care.

I might not have a lot, but I have enough for those kids. What I don't have, I will beg for.

It makes me want to cry thinking about it.

Honestly, @insideoutsider, I'm sure you are being perfectly sincere, but this is the kind of thing that's easily said, but in practice needs very serious thought. There was a thread on here some time ago from a poster who was thinking about putting herself forward to be assessed for a SGO for some or all of a relatives' children and while there were lots of posters claiming that she was a monster for not leaping straight to doing it ('I'd die sooner than not take in my BF's children!'), it was fairly clear that it needed to be a 'head' decision, in terms of the impact on the poster's own children, among other things and I think there was an issue with one of the children having a record of violence towards the younger ones.

It was a matter of thinking about what she could realistically cope with, the potential impact on her own children, and whether the children would benefit from another setting.

neverbeenskiing · 07/12/2021 16:07

Of course they should ask! No matter how close you are to the parent or the DC in question, it's still huge responsibility and something that warrants a proper discussion. We have named two sets of guardians in our will (in case the first set were incapacitated or their circumstances changed) and although we were 99.9% sure both would be fine with it we still spoke to them about it first.

NavigatingAdolescence · 07/12/2021 16:08

I had this. DH’s best mate and his wife put us down as guardians for their 4 children (all under 5 at the time) without so much as a mention.

We were childless at the time. Several years later we told them we were expecting our daughter. The will was rewritten within days removing us as guardians because “e wouldn’t treat their kids like our own now”.

Jonagirl · 07/12/2021 16:14

Yanbu at all, thar is a very risky move on their part too.

We have asked my brother and sil and they have asked us so all good there. But I really hate the assumption that you are somehow selfish for saying no, this "how could you watch a niece or nephew go in to care" annoys me. Dh's sister has nothing in place for her 3, no house, no life assurance policy, no savings, I wouldn't take her 3. I live in a small house and couldn't just suddenly support 3 more kids without my own kids being drastically and very negatively effected so no way would I take them in, does that make me selfish? I don't care if it does. I will pitch in and help all I can but not take them on to the detriment of my own

Alonelonelyloner · 07/12/2021 16:17

Absolutely they should have asked. How rude and downright dumb.
I wouldn't take on anyone else's kids in the event of their death. I just wouldn't. I have done my time. It would be pretty fatal for a friendship if they assumed I would.

Heartoverheadheadoverheart · 07/12/2021 16:29

They should definitely ask.

As for people not seeing how someone couldn't take in a family members children. Well, perhaps they have never been at such a level of desperation themselves. What if they aren't coping with their own SEN children, what if they are in an abusive relationship, what if their mental health is only barely keeping them alive? How on earth could they be expected then to take on more without everyone going under? Sometimes people just don't have the mental, social or physical resources. It wouldn't be fair on anyone involved.

londonrach · 07/12/2021 17:03

Of course she should have asked. First thing MD dsis sorted by asking me and when I had DD I asked her. All the children know that's what would happen. Hope never ever to be a guardian or DD need my dsis.

superram · 07/12/2021 17:10

Guardian doesn’t mean you’d have them, it just means you make the decisions. My guardian probably wouldn’t take them in as they live too far away but I’ve prepped some local friends. A lot depends on age of the child, I’d be much more open to my kids being moved at 3 compared to 16.

PatchworkElmer · 07/12/2021 17:12

Of course they should’ve asked! Our friends would have DS if we died, but we discussed with them at length and have made financial arrangements to support them if that were to happen.

insideoutsider · 08/12/2021 19:50

@Negligee
I see what you mean. It's not always easy.
Maybe it's a culture thing, we look after our own very practically, so a niece and nephew would be automatically mine if my siblings were to die. It's not a responsibility I would take lightly but it would be mine.
But I'm only speaking for myself, not for the poster or other families.

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