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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or should I give birth alone because of clingy toddler's terrible sleep?

52 replies

stalebananabread · 07/12/2021 03:24

OK, sorry, not really an AIBU but I'm desperate for some advice here.

Due to give birth literally any day now. My three year old daughter's sleep has deteriorated over the last month to the point where she is now waking every night and will often howl for me until I go in. I've been quite firm with her and eventually she will settle for my husband, but it's pretty miserable for everyone (including our poor neighbours).

Dilemma now is what on earth to do if I go into labour overnight. The plan is for my brother to come and sleep on our sofa (he lives minutes away and we're expecting baby to come quickly) and for my mum, who lives a little further away, to come in to coincide with toddler's usual wake time and get her up for the day. My brother is perfectly capable of childcare in an emergency, but DD spends more time with my mum and is a bit more used to her. But if (when) DD wakes in the night and neither me or my husband is there, she's going to absolutely lose it. She'd be inconsolable and my poor brother would have to deal with it on his own.

Obviously I don't want to do this, but am I going to have to give birth alone if I go into labour overnight?? Do I have any other options? This is making me feel so anxious, I genuinely don't know what to do. I'm going to bed every night praying I don't go into labour - not a great mindset to be in!

Probably worth saying that home birth isn't an option as I have a minor complication which means I have to give birth in hospital.

OP posts:
Auntycorruption · 07/12/2021 03:31

One of the miracles of having a second baby is that you learn how to meet both of their competing needs. And that starts here I'm afraid - you need to warn her that you need to go to hospital to have the baby and grandma / uncle will look after her. They deal with the rest and she'll likely be fine - she kicks off in the night because she knows you're there, when you're not she'll most likely sleep like an angel. And if she doesn't - tell your family you don't need to know!! You need to be in hospital, they need to manage

Auntycorruption · 07/12/2021 03:33

Can she go to your mums for a sleepover one day? You might find with her safe & happy you relax enough to go into labour

fraggiequeen · 07/12/2021 03:34

Another sleep deprived mum here (just got toddler back to sleep and now I'm wide awake ☹️). Sorry to hear you're so worried. My view on this is that your 3 year old will be more adaptable than you think and her uncle or granny will be able to comfort her fine if she does wake up. My kids are usually better behaved for other people than they are for me! You need to relax and let your family step in, and take your husband to hospital with you.

SherryPalmer · 07/12/2021 03:41

It’s a one off, he doesn’t need to settle her back to sleep - worst case he lets her watch some cartoons and have a snack. It will be fine.

Aussiegirl123456 · 07/12/2021 03:42

Oh you poor thing, I do know exactly what you’re going through. Been there. My daughter who was inconsolable by anyone other than me, was still having to be breastfed back to sleep etc, was absolutely fine when my mum stepped into look after her when I had a baby. I spent the entire pregnancy, labour and post birth worrying about her but she was actually absolutely ok with waking up in the night and having nanny there.
She’s 15 now and suffered no long term effects!

Maybe you could begin letting her know now that she needs to be a big girl for mummy and daddy when the new baby comes and give her plenty of warning so it won’t be a shock?

Hope it all goes well OP, congratulations!

Lockdownbear · 07/12/2021 03:46

It's one night I'm sure she, granny and uncle will be fine.

She is potentially feeling a little anxious about her place in the world. Try and keep saying positive things.

I actually had to rethink when I realised how negative we were being, "if you make that much noice when baby's here you'll wake it up" " you can't leave lego everywhere baby will eat it" "you need to do x for baby"

Which from little kids pov it's all negative

Marvellousmadness · 07/12/2021 03:57

You are making your own bed here op
You are going to regret this when your second baby comes along. . .

Original poster
stalebananabread · 07/12/2021 03:59

I'm so glad I posted, these replies are making me feel so much better.

Rationally I know she'd ultimately be fine, but she's become so clingy and demanding with me in the last month or two that these night wakings have just become the focus of all my cumulative mum-guilt and anxiety about coping with two!

I have explained to her that Mummy and Daddy will have to go to the hospital when the baby is born and that Grandma and Uncle will be here. She has a new baby book which we've been reading her which explains this bit too. So it shouldn't come as a shock to her and I'm hoping you're all right that, when it comes to it, she'll be as good as gold.

Dream scenario is morning labour - lunchtime birth - husband gets home in time to collect her from nursery or grandparents and I get to spend a night in hospital (which is looking increasingly like the Ritz) Grin can I write that into my birth plan??

OP posts:
icklekid · 07/12/2021 04:04

I think all you can do is prepare her, it’s likely part of the reason she is so upset for so long is she is hoping you will back down and come when your dh is trying. If neither of you is there and she realises that’s not an option she may well settle quicker in the knowledge she can see you in the morning So best get back to sleep quickly…!

icklekid · 07/12/2021 04:06

Different scenario but ds was only 2 when dd was born prematurely and coped far better than ever imagined when I was in hospital for first week - he also got picked up by various friends/ family and was incredible so adaptable and positive where as I was an emotional torn mess!!!

TreeSmuggler · 07/12/2021 04:17

Maybe ask your brother what he thinks? I know if it was my niece or nephew I'd be fine with it as it's a once off. Especially with your mum coming to take over in the morning. But some people wouldn't be happy with this which is understandable, eg, if due at work early the next day or whatever.

MalbecandToast · 07/12/2021 04:22

If you do end up giving birth alone don't panic! I've done it and it was totally fine Smile

Rememberallball · 07/12/2021 04:32

She’s probably struggling by with sleep and becoming more clingy due to the impending arrival of her new baby brother/sister - it’s a lot for a child to process when they’re used to being the sole focus of their parents love and attention to know that, very soon, there’ll be a new baby to be loved and attention given to. Hopefully, once baby arrives, her sleep will settle down and she’ll start to be less clingy.

As others have said she’ll probably be fine if she’s prepared that it might happen one night but that people she loves (and who love her) will be there to take care of her while you’re at the hospital.

Hadenough21 · 07/12/2021 04:35

I would echo what others are saying and agree she will be ok and you should take your dh to hospital. However I just wonder if this night time problem at the moment could be because she’s anxious about you not being there for her anymore because of the baby coming soon? This might go against what others think but personally I would go to her in the night and reassure her that mummy is here and you love her. It doesn’t sound like persevering with only her dad going to her is helping? I understand why you’re doing it but she may just need to know that mummy is still going to be there and she’s not ‘losing’ you? It’s an unsettling time for them when a new baby is coming. My first child was 2 and a bit oblivious whilst I was pregnant but once baby was here sometimes struggled a bit and I do look back and think I expected too much of them in terms of maturity. I wish I’d offered more reassurance instead of finding it annoying (easier to say with hindsight and I was tired / overwhelmed). Just another perspective though and not intended to make you feel bad at all. It just sounds like she feels insecure at the moment so rather than treating it like a battle of wills I would take the approach of reassurance I think.

Original poster
stalebananabread · 07/12/2021 04:55

@Hadenough21 I completely agree with you - it's hard trying to find the right balance between being confidently assertive and giving her the reassurance she needs. She's very perceptive and sensitive, nothing gets past her, she's like a sponge.

For the night wakings, if she's really refusing to settle for her dad, I've been going in and giving her a kiss and cuddle and reassuring her, but firmly saying that I can't sit with her (I literally can't, she has a small bed and I'll be damned if I'm lying on the floor at 40 weeks pregnant) and then I leave. I'm sure people will say I should be firmer but I'm not tough enough to completely ignore a distraught child howling "Where's mummy? I need my mummy" in the middle of the night - too bloody soft, perhaps.

Of course, the other downside to being woken up like this when heavily pregnant is that I now can't go back to sleep!

OP posts:
Original poster
stalebananabread · 07/12/2021 04:58

@Marvellousmadness

You are making your own bed here op You are going to regret this when your second baby comes along. . .
Mum? ... is that you?
OP posts:
Hadenough21 · 07/12/2021 05:07

I don’t think you’re being too soft by going in when she’s distressed, honestly it just sounds like she knows this big change is looming and she’s scared. I think this will settle down when the baby is here but for now just reassure her as much as possible (in the daytime as well), try to give her lots of 1-1 attention. Has she been told that you may disappear off to hospital in the night to have the baby? If so maybe she is just worried about this. A 3 year old mind can’t comprehend this in the way we can (obviously) and it probably just feels scary to her.

Usernamenotallowed · 07/12/2021 05:07

I had a similar situation. My mum lived hundreds of miles away so had never looked after my son overnight but she was there when I went into labour with my second son. Getting him to bed in the first place was the hardest thing for her I think so she just sat with him in his room looking at books for hours. Then the first time he woke in the night he did cry but my mum eventually managed to get him to sleep and the second time around 4am she just let him come downstairs and watch tv. We came back from the hospital around 5am and found him watching postman pat but he was perfectly happy. They will cope and it's only one night.

UnLunDun · 07/12/2021 05:28

I have to say, the best birth experiences I had were the two I did on my own! Midwives absolutely fabulous, brilliant atmosphere of female solidarity and complete focus on me in the room, and I didn’t actually do any of it alone as at all times there was a midwife there, which I hadn’t expected. I had no worries whatsoever about my other children as they were with their Dad so was calmer all round. I truly felt empowered, it changed my thinking about giving birth completely. We sadly have no family at all, and I had to do it, but I’m so glad I did in many ways.

Muchuseaschocolateteapot · 07/12/2021 05:30

Could your mum not come and stay now so your daughter is used to having nanny there and it may alleviate some of your stress about going into labour?
I’m not suggesting your mum tries to settle her in the night with you hovering in the background though, perhaps your mum could settle her with you? Good luck with having baby 2 x

Original poster
stalebananabread · 07/12/2021 05:34

Ahh @UnLunDun (and the other PP who gave birth alone) - thank you! Even notwithstanding the sleep problems, if the baby is in a hurry and we can't reach anyone, I'd have to go in alone. It's really helpful to hear these positive stories!

To be totally honest, as much as I want him there, I'm not sure how aware I was of my husband's presence when I was giving birth to my daughter!

OP posts:
canichange · 07/12/2021 05:50

You've had some great advice here and I'm glad you're feeling better. This is one of those things where I suspect the thought of it is probably worse than the reality will ever be.

I felt a bit like this when I had my second DS. I'm a SAHM and DS1 was only 2 months when DS2 was born. I had to stay in hospital for a few nights and was panicked about how DS1 would be without me, as I was with him 99.9% of the time. The reality was that my husband/mum/sister muddled through with him, he was fine, and I cracked in doing what I needed to do in hospital.

Like a PP has said, worst case scenario she won't go back to sleep and your brother will console her with cartoons and snacks. I'd get some treats in like chocolate buttons, some new books and some little toys so she's easily distracted. DS1 was a bit off with me when I brought the new baby home but I'd put together a little bag of goodies that Mummy and the baby brought home for him from their 'holiday' in hospital. Worked a treat, he couldn't be Cross at me for long after that. Kids are fickle and can't resist bribery!

Good luck Smile

SusieSusieSoo · 07/12/2021 05:51

OP just go and leave your db and dm to it. Your DD will manage and your DH will want to be there for the arrival of DC2. I hated being separated from my DM as a child but I sucked it up and got on with it when she went into hospital to have DSiS. A new outfit, some fish & chips & lots of fuss from DF and GP's at the time helped me loads (in 1976 mothers stayed in hospital for a fortnight) good luck with the new arrival xx

Goldbar · 07/12/2021 06:54

Your brother sounds like a capable human being who will be able to deal with this as a one-off. After all, he's not the one with months of (even more) broken sleep to look forward to Grin. If she won't go back to sleep, she can watch cartoons and he can feed her crisps and chocolate until she falls asleep on the sofa as pp have said. Although you might not be very aware of your DH, you would ideally want him there if anything happens. Not necessarily anything scary but you might have a retained placenta and need to go to theatre or something like that in which case you will want him to stay with the baby.

Snowywintersundays123 · 07/12/2021 07:03

I had a horrendous waker when DD was born, he’d wake up all times of the night- (he was 3 nearly 4) and always wanted me. (We’d put him on our bed a lot).
I went into labour with DD about 10/11pm.. to be honest we didn’t really have a plan. One of our friends had offered to come up but it wasn’t really set in stone etc.
My 16 DSS came over from his mums… DS fell asleep with us there, woke in the night to his brother and he then took him nursery in the am. It was the first time he had ever looked after him alone. DS thought it was the biggest adventure and he loved every moment of it. He remembers it now stil some 2 years later!
It will honestly not be as bad as you think, your brother will cope, your DC will cope. It’s one night…: I’d think no more of it and to be honest once your in labour you won’t think about it at all!!!