Page 2 | Or should I give birth alone because of clingy toddler's terrible sleep?

TupilaLilium · 07/12/2021 07:11

In my birth group what was amazing was how most of us didn’t really start labour until the childcare was sorted.

My second was in your exact situation. Water broke at 2am but I didn’t need to go to hospital until 6am. Third Labour ramped up uncertainly until I sent kids to sleepover at 8am “Just in case” and then really kicked off the minute they were out the door.

Your daughter will be fine with her uncle, but maybe also it won’t come up.

TupilaLilium · 07/12/2021 07:12

8pm

HolidaysAreHolidays · 07/12/2021 07:16

She'll be fine OP, she'll be safe and loved. It's a moment in time and you deserve to have your husband with you. Sending hugs, you sound like a great mum x

DebIr · 07/12/2021 07:22

Also gave birth to 2nd with just midwife there. Husband couldn’t face it after the first! Was fine. Midwife knew what she was doing and was supportive throughout. If I’d had a third would have done the same, no doubt!

NewMum0305 · 07/12/2021 08:04

OP, in relation to you going in to settle your child then leaving when she is screaming for you, I posted about being in a very similar situation recently (am not pregnant though) and a lot of posters said me going in was making things worse (even those I only went in if my husband asked me to and, like you, only calmed my daughter down, explained that Daddy was looking after her, and then left).

After posting the thread, we went cold turkey ie if my husband went to settle my daughter and she screamed for me, we pushed through and I didn’t get involved - and I have to say, things are so much better now. She will still have a quick moan and grumble for me sometimes but gets over it quickly as she knows it won’t make me appear. I know you describe her as being “distraught” and I absolutely get it as I felt the same, but she’s safe, in the care of her Dad. She may really want you in that moment but she doesn’t need you, and I don’t think you are being cruel or doing any damage to have your husband just calmly explain that Mummy’s resting and he is looking after her at that moment. My husband and I talked a lot to our daughter about us sharing the responsibility of looking after her which seemed to resonate.

Good luck, whatever you decide x

SinoohXaenaHide · 07/12/2021 08:09

It's a one-off, let your DB know he doesn't have to get her to sleep in bed, they can snuggle upon the sofa and watch Disney movies all night if that's what it takes (though chances are she will fall asleep eventually). Even if she is upset, so long as she is safe then its ok. Trust your DB to get her through. Your DH needs to prioritise you and your new DC.

SnackSizeRaisin · 07/12/2021 12:57

I found worrying about my other child one of the most stressful things about having the second one. We tried to get her used to daddy doing bedtime at least half the time, several months in advance. If she called for me I would gently say that daddy is going to put you to bed tonight. She was actually fine with this. I made a lot of effort to spend time with her during the day, including after baby was born. That was really tricky to begin with! Grandma used to come and want to look after the toddler - I would have to insist they looked after the baby so I could spend a little one to one time with the toddler.

Wnikat · 07/12/2021 13:01

Can he put the telly on?

NewlyGranny · 07/12/2021 13:05

Take your DH along - he should be there. Your DD will cope just fine - she's old enough to understand that mummy isn't actually available. They only kick up a fuss if they know you're in the house but not reachable. She will pick up on the excitement and love the fuss her DU and DGM will no doubt make over her.

Make sure they don't contact DH while you're in hospital, even if the house is on fire. They are in charge and deal with everything. 👍

myyellowcar · 07/12/2021 13:07

Just heavily prep your brother so he doesn’t panic if she kicks off. If he can’t get her back into bed just let her watch TV for just the one night. She’ll be fine. Buy the brother a few bottles of wine after the fact.

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 07/12/2021 13:11

Worse case they just get her up and put on some cartoons and she can nap in the day if needs be.

I wouldn’t Labour alone for that reason

girlfrombackthen · 07/12/2021 13:18

Ah OP, I agree with other posters that your DD will be fine in these circumstances. She is being left with family who love her. My DS's sleep was AWFUL in the weeks before (and after) I had my DD... the anomaly was the night I spent in hospital post c-section where he slept through the night.

I'm also going against the grain here to say there's nothing wrong with providing your DD with some additional reassurance through the night as this is what she is clearly asking for. Having a heavily pregnant mum/expecting a new sibling and then the reality of your parents attention being necessarily divided is really, really tough for a 3 year old! So many confused emotions - my DS was so relieved when DD finally came home but wow, the first few weeks were an emotional rollercoaster for him. Hang in there and give connection when it's asked for!

ittakes2 · 07/12/2021 13:33

What time is she waking and why do you think she is waking?

welshladywhois40 · 07/12/2021 13:40

Oh it's so tough. My toddler had a spell of being terrible at night just before we had our second baby.

The day before I went in for my inducement, I was enjoying a long bath to be interrupted by my partner to tell me my toddler had been sick. Ie wasn't life threatening but they get he needed his mum.

I was in for 4 days and toddler survived. In fact I think I was so busy with having the baby I can't remember if my toddler slept well.

For a night if the baby comes quickly everyone will cope. The chaos that happens when a new baby comes is great.

Ozanj · 07/12/2021 13:41

@stalebananabread

OK, sorry, not really an AIBU but I'm desperate for some advice here.

Due to give birth literally any day now. My three year old daughter's sleep has deteriorated over the last month to the point where she is now waking every night and will often howl for me until I go in. I've been quite firm with her and eventually she will settle for my husband, but it's pretty miserable for everyone (including our poor neighbours).

Dilemma now is what on earth to do if I go into labour overnight. The plan is for my brother to come and sleep on our sofa (he lives minutes away and we're expecting baby to come quickly) and for my mum, who lives a little further away, to come in to coincide with toddler's usual wake time and get her up for the day. My brother is perfectly capable of childcare in an emergency, but DD spends more time with my mum and is a bit more used to her. But if (when) DD wakes in the night and neither me or my husband is there, she's going to absolutely lose it. She'd be inconsolable and my poor brother would have to deal with it on his own.

Obviously I don't want to do this, but am I going to have to give birth alone if I go into labour overnight?? Do I have any other options? This is making me feel so anxious, I genuinely don't know what to do. I'm going to bed every night praying I don't go into labour - not a great mindset to be in!

Probably worth saying that home birth isn't an option as I have a minor complication which means I have to give birth in hospital.

Why can’t your brother take you to hospital and your DH stay with your DC until DM arrives?

Bigoldmachine · 07/12/2021 13:58

I was in a very similar situation - dd was (just) 3 when I had DS, she was and is a very sensitive child with big emotional needs, very clingy to me and her sleep had gone to pot in the lead up to me having her brother, which was definitely her anxieties about the uncertainty of it all. We prepared her for it all of course and had a plan in place similar to yours, but I was so so worried about it.

If I went into hospital after she’d gone to bed I had planned to record a little video of me saying “hello DD mummy and daddy need to go to the hospital now because it’s time for the baby to come. Your auntie is here with you and nanna is on her way. Daddy will call as soon as baby is here and we will be back really soon. Love you lots!” Or something to that effect.

In the actual event I had to be induced so went in in the morning. She was absolutely fine and her sleep improved massively after baby arrived!

All the best OP

Bigoldmachine · 07/12/2021 14:02

PS I don’t think you’re being too soft at all. I was much softer, I did lie on her floor to settle her back to sleep at 40 weeks pregnant, fell asleep there a fair few times! My personal approach is that she was expressing an emotional need and I would rather meet it as best I can rather than try to persuade her she doesn’t need me . If that makes sense. Not a judgement at all to others who approach it differently!

Also a PP is right it’s the start of managing both of the kids competing needs…. BUT in my experience that was 100 times easier once baby had actually arrived.

Greenrubber · 07/12/2021 14:07

My DD first night without me was when I gave birth! I spoke to her about how I would need to go to the hospital and that dad would have to take me so her Aunty would be looking after her

She totally understood and was actually looking forward to her Aunty having a sleep over with her

Don't underestimate her explain things she might surprise you

And you might not even go into labour at night

8dpwoah · 07/12/2021 14:23

Sounds like you've made a good plan. I ended up giving birth alone til DDs head was out because I was on antenatal and the staff didn't believe me about where I was at until very late on, it was crap. Nobody to advocate for you or witness 'interesting'' attitudes from HCPs. Fortunately he arrived just in time but I wish I'd had someone, anyone with me as I'm sure I'd have had a much better experience.

simpledeer · 07/12/2021 14:26

OP, chances are, DD will be an angel for DBro if it comes to it.

Stop worrying about it. She will be safe.

Good luck!

Skeumorph · 07/12/2021 14:28

Wing it with your bro.

She will probably be much better than you think - it'll be so out of the ordinary!

Chocolate buttons and tv at 3 in the morning? Yes, if necessary

One night, if it's bad you will owe your bro a year's supply of beers!

shouldistop · 07/12/2021 14:29

@SherryPalmer

It’s a one off, he doesn’t need to settle her back to sleep - worst case he lets her watch some cartoons and have a snack. It will be fine.

This. It will be ok. X

Dixiechickonhols · 07/12/2021 14:36

Good luck. She’ll be fine. It will all be odd anyway. If she doesn’t sleep and sits on his knee all night watching peppa pig it’s not end of world. She’ll be safe. She’ll probably be great for him.
I’d want DH there with me just in case. The dr had DH tell me our baby had been with a disability (undetected on my scans)

Original poster

stalebananabread · 07/12/2021 20:14

So many kind and helpful replies here, thank you. Really grateful for all the reassurance and personal experiences.

I've spoken to my brother again today and he is very chill about the whole thing. I've directed him to the Rice Krispies and Disney Plus, and promised him a crate of beer if she gives him hell. Hopefully, as a few of you have suggested, if she wakes up and realised that a) we aren't there and b) we'll be home in the morning, she'll settle back to sleep again without too much complaining.

One of the many reasons I'm looking forward to this baby's arrival is so that we can break the anticipation. I'm not surprised DD is so unsettled, I am too!

Thanks again for the reassurance and kindness. I'm feeling much more relaxed about the whole thing now. And I'm still keeping my fingers crossed for a baby in time for tea!

OP posts:

KeyLimeFly · 07/12/2021 20:48

Prepare her as best you can. Talk about it every day. ‘We don’t know when the baby will decide to come, it might be in the night when you are asleep. If mummy and daddy have to go to the hospital, uncle X will come to look after you. He’s going to bring exciting toy/dvd/snack for you to play with/watch/eat in the morning’… worst comes to worst, she can have said bribery item at 3am if needed.