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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU advice about disrespectful SIL please!

40 replies

HillofTara · 07/12/2021 01:00

Hi, first post sorry if I get the abbreviations wrong!
Looking for advice about how to behave towards my SIL.
She is American and was married to my husbands brother a few years before I met my husband and had an enormous fuss made about her, lots of trips to America etc.
And then I turned up and clearly upset the apple cart. She was very disrespectful about our wedding, refusing to come and denying her husband - my husbands brother - to come. He did but only for the registry office and he only confirmed the night before.
3 months ago I found out that after a year of trying I was pregnant, we were so happy and told everyone. She never said congratulations, and my husbands brother took 2 days to text: oh wow that's exciting.
Unfortunately I then had a miscarriage. Neither the brother nor SIL said anything and they haven't since. At halloween (literally the week after it happened) she sent us pictures and videos of her 1 year old dressed up and generally being cute (which he is). I just couldn't respond and felt so insulted.
So now it's Christmas. She's going back to America but my husbands parents want to have a 'Christmas dinner' the week before so that we're all together. The parents know we don't really get on and that's she's difficult (FIL is often complaining about how she's rude/stubborn/demanding etc) but I think my MIL is desperate to have everyone happy and together and isn't everything wonderful etc.
I just don't think I can face it. I'm worried that I'd actually say something which will upset everyone, so it might just be better if I weren't there. My husband has always stood in/up for me and is happy to do so again.
Should I go and bite my tongue?

Thanks for reading

OP posts:
BobbieT1999 · 07/12/2021 01:02

Nah, sod that, I wouldn't.

I'm really sorry you lost your baby Flowers

Aquamarine1029 · 07/12/2021 01:09

I do not spend time with toxic, horrible people who bring drama to my life, end of conversation, and I suggest you follow suit. You don't need anyone's approval to skip this nightmare, and you aren't responsible for how anyone feels about it.

PrayingForChristmas · 07/12/2021 01:12

Nope! Do not attend

Even if you fully plan to, until that morning, And you have woke up poorly and need to do a Covid test

Saltyquiche · 07/12/2021 01:19

Miscarriages can be tricky, it’s difficult to know how to respond sometimes or what to respond with. Also for some easy to be too absorbed in own hectic life and problems. I had 4 miscarriages myself.

For your own sanity forgive and lower your expectations of them. Find the funny side of thins, making light of stuff. Create space if you need it in order to manage your feelings.

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 07/12/2021 01:25

I think my MIL is desperate to have everyone happy and together and isn't everything wonderful etc.

Well if one of her sons only came to the registry office oiart of her other son's wedding then she must have realised this isn't possible? What reason did SIL give for not coming?

I'm very sorry for the loss of your baby.

RedHelenB · 07/12/2021 09:30

I would go for your MILS sake. Christmas is supposed to be peace and goodwill after all.

Skeumorph · 07/12/2021 09:47

Nope. The only way you're not going to permanently end up in the position of the dog everyone thinks it's ok to kick is to push back hard against this kind of shit.

SIL wants to be top dog. Err, no.

You don't have to be rude to make the point. In fact I'd be sickly sweet. Give it right back to her though.

'Oh we're so sorry but we really can't make a big meal right now/don't want to risk COVID etc. Hopefully we can catch up with (BILname) before you go to the States'.

As for MIL. If you don't push back, it will always be like this. If you show people that you won't be treated like shit on their shoe, especially if family, 9 times out of 10 they will learn the lesson swiftly and have a few more manners. And that is what will benefit MIL more in the long run - to have a shitty DIL who has learned to mind her manners, rather than one who is still upsetting people 15 years later.

TheMadGardener · 07/12/2021 09:48

What a shame that you have to self-isolate while waiting for PCR results and won't be able to make it...

She sounds toxic, don't feel that you have to hang out with her if you don't want to.

So sorry about your MC. I hope things get better for you. Flowers

Cam2020 · 07/12/2021 10:05

I would go for your MILS sake. Christmas is supposed to be peace and goodwill after all.

That should be two sided though? OP hasn't caused any of this.

I've been the 'bigger person', the dutiful 'smile through gritted teeth' wifey - it just made me unhappy and resentful.

Eventually the horrible behaviour escalated to a point that I was no longer willing to countenance it and it came to a rather ugly head. It's difficult but difficult people thrive on others just giving way to them. There is no shame in drawing your own boundaries and holding to them, there is no shame in not allowing yourself to be disrespected. No drama required, simply step back and free yourself from it.

Wokahontas · 07/12/2021 10:17

I think my MIL is desperate to have everyone happy and together and isn't everything wonderful etc.

Oh I love it when MIL's do this. Hmm

Let's all get together and play happy families and pretend we all like each other. Let SIL get away with crap behaviour and the rest of us have to suck it up so as not to upset MIL and everyone else.

The problem with this is that it breeds massive resentment and later on down the line you will just flip.

I put up with similar for years. You need to treat your high maintenance SIL with indifference. Just....don't engage with her. What she does is nothing to do with you, she is unimportant etc. She is as important to you as Geoff who lives in the next street.

As for staged gatherings, no. Just let your DH go.

Original poster
HillofTara · 07/12/2021 10:17

Thank you so much for your responses! I was thinking about going for my MIL sake but the point of it working both ways is a very good one. I get on with her well enough that I can have a chat with her and explain how SIL has behaved and that I just won't put up with it. Setting boundaries - a big yes to this! We are in the first 2 years of marriage and I've had to do that already. And good point about building resentment - who ends up happy with these forced events? It's better to maintain distant peace rather than up close conflict for the next 40 years!

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 07/12/2021 10:21

I’m very sorry about your baby
I would probably go and make it very clear I how you felt about her but not in a way anyone could really object to.
I would walk out of a room when she came in, only speak to her if she asked a direct question etc

Yeswhatno · 07/12/2021 10:28

Clearly the brothers have a type:
You and the SIL sound very similar.
That’s why you so disproportionate dislike her.

JustMarriedBecca · 07/12/2021 10:34

It's one day and your husband's family. I'd go, suck it up and be civil. Not least because if you do (hopefully if you want them still) have children, you will want to try and facilitate them a relationship.
I'm sorry about your miscarriage.

Fl0w3ry · 07/12/2021 10:48

I wouldn’t go. I used to suck up shitty behaviour from certain members of the family. The only thing sucking it up and constantly attending things does is give the shitty behaved relatives a sense of power to escalate their behaviour because there aren’t any consequences.
You shouldn’t have to put up with it. If your mil wants to play happy families she needs to put pressure on your SIL to be nice and pick her up on her bad behaviour, rather than make you feel her happiness is dependent on you attending.

Happy1982ish · 07/12/2021 10:50

Why the heck haven’t you include “my disrespectful bil” In your title?

peachescariad · 07/12/2021 10:57

Absolutely don't go

SeaToSki · 07/12/2021 11:02

Have you and/or DH talked to BIL and SIL about any of this? Asked them why?

If you are going to put your foot down, make sure everyone knows exactly why, otherwise the whole effort is wasted

Happy1982ish · 07/12/2021 11:06

I find it so bizarre how you skirt over fact that your husbands brother has behaved abysmally as your sil

And no reference to how your dh feels about his brother

Tittyfilarious81 · 07/12/2021 11:07

@HillofTara Firstly sorry about your miscarriage I had several so know how upsetting it is . In the situation you describe I wouldn't go op I'd find it too stressful, especially with the current circumstances. Explain to your mil how you feel and just say it's not worth having a tense dinner situation so you and your dh won't be going and you can have dinner with them another time.

Happy1982ish · 07/12/2021 11:08

And if all as have you said

Your mil is being spectacularly thoughtless and selfish to push for this

Coronawireless · 07/12/2021 11:08

All these dramatic responses. Two SILs fighting over who gets to be “top dog” and dragging everyone else into it with their ostentatious no-shows. Just go ffs for your DHs sake - otherwise you’re making Christmases awkward for him. It’s one dinner. You don’t have to see her outside of that one day, with 2minutes of polite conversation. If you can’t manage that you’re every bit as bad as she is.

Happy1982ish · 07/12/2021 11:09

Usually I’d agree @Coronawireless

But we are talking about not coming to their wedding
No congratulations upon pregnancy
No condolences following loss

Disfordarkchocolate · 07/12/2021 11:10

Sod that.

Why do you have to suck it up and pretend you are all one happy family when she gets to carry on being rude.

ManicPixie · 07/12/2021 11:10

"She is American and was married to my husbands brother a few years before I met my husband and had an enormous fuss made about her, lots of trips to America etc. And then I turned up and clearly upset the apple cart."

Reading between the lines you both sound like drama queens.