AIBU advice about disrespectful SIL please!

[HillofTara]

Hi, first post sorry if I get the abbreviations wrong!
Looking for advice about how to behave towards my SIL.
She is American and was married to my husbands brother a few years before I met my husband and had an enormous fuss made about her, lots of trips to America etc.
And then I turned up and clearly upset the apple cart. She was very disrespectful about our wedding, refusing to come and denying her husband - my husbands brother - to come. He did but only for the registry office and he only confirmed the night before.
3 months ago I found out that after a year of trying I was pregnant, we were so happy and told everyone. She never said congratulations, and my husbands brother took 2 days to text: oh wow that's exciting.
Unfortunately I then had a miscarriage. Neither the brother nor SIL said anything and they haven't since. At halloween (literally the week after it happened) she sent us pictures and videos of her 1 year old dressed up and generally being cute (which he is). I just couldn't respond and felt so insulted.
So now it's Christmas. She's going back to America but my husbands parents want to have a 'Christmas dinner' the week before so that we're all together. The parents know we don't really get on and that's she's difficult (FIL is often complaining about how she's rude/stubborn/demanding etc) but I think my MIL is desperate to have everyone happy and together and isn't everything wonderful etc.
I just don't think I can face it. I'm worried that I'd actually say something which will upset everyone, so it might just be better if I weren't there. My husband has always stood in/up for me and is happy to do so again.
Should I go and bite my tongue?

Thanks for reading

It’s just bizarre to me that the op has levelled all her anger at the sil and none at the brother

@HillofTara

Thank you so much for your responses! I was thinking about going for my MIL sake but the point of it working both ways is a very good one. I get on with her well enough that I can have a chat with her and explain how SIL has behaved and that I just won't put up with it. Setting boundaries - a big yes to this! We are in the first 2 years of marriage and I've had to do that already. And good point about building resentment - who ends up happy with these forced events? It's better to maintain distant peace rather than up close conflict for the next 40 years!

Setting boundaries is ALWAYS the best thing to do.

Longer term, it improves relationships. If you have someone whose natural instinct is to compete and jostle to be some random idea of top dog, then it's exhausting but it's always best to push back. Letting them run riot just makes it harder.

Yes - you say you have a good relationship with MIL so just as you don't want to upset her, she presumably doesn't want to upset you? Take the bull by the horns and explain what's been going on - and be clear that the reason you are not going to play nice and pretend is that it will just encourage the behaviour to carry on. Making a stand, hopefully with MIL's help - is probably the best way to start resolving this so that in time, hopefully SIL will grow up (and BIL will get a backbone and also some manners) and you'll be able to genuinely enjoy family events.

No to the meal.

Go but be honest.

She didn’t stop your husband’s brother attending the wedding - he chose not to come. You need to remember that.

You don’t have to jump to MIL’s wishes even if your SIL was “just” insensitive. But to not come to your wedding? How is MIL ever under the misapprehension that you would now socialise with either SIL or BIL?!!! How the hell did they get away with that, within your wider family? 😳 Did they actually have just enough of a valid reason?

So for someone I just wasn’t keen on - yes id suck up a family dinner to be nice to MIL and my own husband (to see his brother). But for a brother that didn’t even attend your full wedding? Fuck that 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m sorry for your loss

@MeltedButter

Go but be honest.

Oh just brilliant And ruin everyone’s Christmas with a show down

@Happy1982ish

Why the heck haven’t you include “my disrespectful bil” In your title?

Yes, exactly. People on Mn do this so much — ascribe all the bad behaviour to the person who married in, not the blood relative (though I realise here it’s two women who married in, but clearly the OP isn’t comfortable with equally blaming her DH’s brother.)

OP, I’m sorry you lost your baby. Your SIL and BIL don’t sound particularly interested in your life, or sensitive to your grief, but I’m not sure I see ‘disrespect’. How do you ‘respect’ someone’s wedding? In what way did you ‘upset the apple cart’ by marrying your DH? What relevance does the fact that a big fuss was made of your SIL when she married in? You weren’t with your DH back then, from what you say, so no one was expecting you to go to the US or make a fuss etc?

It sounds as if there’s a power struggle going on here, since long before your miscarriage.

Surely the important relationship is between the two brothers. How does your husband feel about his brother not attending his wedding and not sending congratulations/ condolences? Surely he’s upset and hurt? If he wants to go for his mother’s sake then surely you should be there to support him?

I do understand that she has behaved very badly, OP, but you can still go to dinner for the sake of the rest of the family. You can explain to MIL that you're not happy with SIL and what she's done but that you will attend for her sake. That doesn't make you and SIL best friends. Ultimately, if you have a good relationship with MIL, try to maintain it.

Remember, she has two sons and is walking a fine line here because both of you DILs are just primed to split the family apart.

The other thing is, you need to think about why you think it's all SIL's doing. It seems to me that BIL has done exactly the same things but is somehow not to blame? Or his wife is more to blame for his actions because she somehow made him do it?

I don’t get it, why is sil to blame for bil behaviour? It’s his brother after all, and his relationships to maintain.

What happened to upset the apple cart? What was said when she didn’t come to the wedding? Or bil rushed off after the service ? It must have been mentioned?

I’m sorry to hear about your miscarriage, but it can be hard to know what to say or do particularly when you aren’t that close to someone. If she/they send photos regularly .. do they? Maybe they didn’t know what to do and did what they always did. Where they sent to a family group? It you and dh?

Then again maybe they never send photos.

How did she prevent her dh from attending your wedding?
Does your dh want to go to the meal?

I think your a bit ott. Your bil also chose not to come to wedding initially- you havnt said reasons why?

Bil responded to the news of your pregnancy, why does sil need to too as you ob dont like each other and so what if they didnt respond straight away to ypir pregnancy announcement.

Your obviously not that close so how did you tell them about miscarriage so they could respond?

Of course they are going to put up photos of their baby dressed up at Halloween, how on earth is that insulting.

You dont like her and are looking for reasons to dislike her more.

What reason did SIL give for not attending your wedding? You say you're in the first 2 years of marriage, and that BIL & SIL's child is 1 yr old (which could be anything from 12-almost 24 months). Was she heavily pregnant or nursing a young baby at the time?

Do not go. Do as others have said, pretend you're going, then call off at last minute due to Covid. don't need to turn it into a big deal by "taking a stand" in advance.

Honestly I would just go and get on with it.I’m really sorry you had a miscarriage 💐
In life there’s always someone you don’t get on with! It’s one night.It doesn’t sound like anyone really knows each other well if you only meet briefly once in a blue moon.

@Hankunamatata OP didn’t say they put up photos / videos (presumably you mean on social media) but sent them. I do think that sending cute videos of your toddler to someone directly a week after they have a miscarriage is startling insensitive! I wouldn’t use the word “insulting” myself - it’s not an insult. It is though unfeeling if done without thought and unkind if done with full consideration of the miscarriage.

That said, these people aren’t close… so if it was sent but via a family WhatsApp group, for example, then I’d think it less insensitive (though still bad!) than if sent just to OP.