Child maintenance situation-what is right here?

[Missrabbitt]

This is about DH and his ex wife.

A brief timeline of their relationship- they were together for years, got married, had a baby and when the baby (DSS) was 2 she had an affair, DH found out and they broke up. She stayed with OM and they seem happy and have another child. All very amicable now but took DH a long time to recover emotionally. From the beginning she asked him what custody he would like and they agreed 50/50. He paid for her rent as he was already doing and some maintenance as she otherwise wouldn’t be able to afford to keep DSS in his home.

So a few years later when DSS was 5 she had had another child and was living with her partner (OM). DH asked if he needed to pay maintenance still as he had DSS half the time and was typically the one to buy him school shoes etc, and any ongoing costs such as school dinners were split 50/50. She said if he didn’t she would seek more custody of DSS so she was entitled to it. So DH dropped it. I met DH about a year after this.

Today DH and I have had 2 children, DSS lives with us 50% of the time (slightly more during the holidays) Relationship with exw is decent. DH hasn’t broached the maintenance issue again and won’t for the sake of DSS which I agree is the best thing to do. But AIBU for being annoyed that she feels like she is entitled to it? (If it matters we are not well off but comfortable and do earn significantly more than her and her partner)

I think even when 50/50 it is the right thing to do to still pay maintenance so that DSS has a decent life at both homes.
However not the rent when she is living with another man.
When they divorced did they get a child arrangement order and she is threatening to take him back to court to lower his time?
Is the payments court ordered also, usually the paying of the rent/mortgage stops when another partner moves in/they get married in court orders.
If this is all done informally she could very well keep DSS from your husband but you can’t keep paying her rent indefinitely surely?

Sorry if it wasn’t clear.. he only paid her rent when she was a single parent but has continued paying a few hundred in maintenance since she moved in with her partner.

Nothing has been through the courts and she’s a decent mum who wouldn’t keep DSS away from a home he’s happy in (and probably couldn’t! He’s old enough to just walk home from school to our place)

How much does dh pay?

You have a DH problem.

I think it's one of those situations where No he shouldn't need to pay maintenance, she is not entitled to it. And if she decided to reduce contact now the court would side with him after all this time (assuming dss is not old enough for his view to override anyway).

However, if you can comfortably afford it it is probably not worth rocking the boat over. If you cannot comfortably afford it, then let it drop or at least reduce it and concentrate the funds on supporting dss when he is in your home.

Surely if it's 50:50 then no one owes anyone maintenance. Possibly a review of the situation on a formal basis is needed if it's causing problems.

If your dh were to reduce it I would consider giving part to dss as pocket money and part put away in an account for uni... assuming you can afford to do so.

He’s taking money from his kids with you, and from his older DS in his home with you, to give it to someone he’s no longer with who cheated on him.

Express it in those terms and ask him what the fuck he’s playing at?

He shouldn’t have bottled it in the past, courts tend to stick with the status quo so she probably wouldn’t have been able to change the 50/50 despite her threats.

He’s being an idiot. Feel free to tell him so.

But No. To answer you actual question... I understand you annoyance at her entitlement. She has done very well our of your dh over the years given he actually has the child more than half time if he has a higher split of the holidays...

@simpledeer a DH problem ? When OP has stated they can afford it and it means the child has a good quality of life in both homes. I would say that's a pretty decent DH ?

DSS is 13 (sorry forgot to write that in OP) so really old enough to make his own decisions. It’s not the threat of losing custody that worries DH, just souring a relationship that is important- when DSS has issues they will speak to each other about how to resolve.

I believe it’s about £250 so actually would make a difference to us to have it every month in terms of putting away savings as we don’t have much left over each month. But we don’t need it.

I don't think he should be paying her anything considering they both have him 50% of the time, unless she pays for all his after school activities/school books/clothes/hair cuts etc etc

If the relationship between them is only amicable because he’s literally paying for her goodwill in cash then it’s not at all amicable.

Let Cms sort it out.

I don't think he should have to pay but in the interest of keeping things civil could he reduce it, giving her a couple if months notice, rather than stop if you can afford to do this

Would he consider reducing it over a period of time? Perhaps by £50 every few months.

I think even when 50/50 it is the right thing to do to still pay maintenance so that DSS has a decent life at both homes.

I don't think it's as clear cut as this. Both parents have equal responsibility to provide for their child. I'd agree with you that it's the decent thing to do where, for example, both parties work and do their best to provide financially, but one heavily outearns the other, particularly where the woman earns less as she has probably had her career damaged by maternity.

However, the better off partner doesnt have a total responsibility to maintain the other's standard of living, especially if one party chooses not work (for example).

@LittleOwl153

If your dh were to reduce it I would consider giving part to dss as pocket money and part put away in an account for uni... assuming you can afford to do so.

Yes I expect we’d start putting away some money in savings for all 3 of the kids. £50 or so a month would really add up for when they need it for uni or whatever they do.

We’re not going to increase his pocket money though. He has 4 extended sets of families and friends who give him presents (mostly vouchers and money because he’s hard to buy for) so he has more to spend than he knows what to do with!

simpledeer

The ex has said that she would reduce his contact if he didn't pay.

That is not a DH problem.

I think I’d want him to speak to her about college/uni or further training at 18+ and how that will be afforded. I’d want him to suggest giving DSS an allowance to cover (non-school) clothing etc and also to put some money away now towards college savings.

That wouldn’t reduce his DSS’s quality of life and starts a conversation for the future when maintenance will stop anyway. Perhaps it should taper towards DSS directly on a yearly basis: Year 1 £200 a month to his mother/£50 to college savings; Year 2 £50 to college savings, £50 direct to DSS, £150 to his mother; etc.

@NoSquirrels

I think I’d want him to speak to her about college/uni or further training at 18+ and how that will be afforded. I’d want him to suggest giving DSS an allowance to cover (non-school) clothing etc and also to put some money away now towards college savings.

That wouldn’t reduce his DSS’s quality of life and starts a conversation for the future when maintenance will stop anyway. Perhaps it should taper towards DSS directly on a yearly basis: Year 1 £200 a month to his mother/£50 to college savings; Year 2 £50 to college savings, £50 direct to DSS, £150 to his mother; etc.

This is a good point. I have a feeling exw will say she cannot afford anything for DSS to go to uni knowing that we will foot the bill and there isn’t anything we can do about it (other than letting DSS miss out on opportunities that our other 2 will have which we absolutely wouldn’t consider)

At 13 I am sure a dc can come and go without parents permission..
Ime of teens anyway.

That’s crazy OP. Since he is 13 I think your OH should contact her and say from X date we will be ceasing the maintenance payment but will continue to put money aside for DSS’s future instead. If 50/50 slides then adjust accordingly.

Typically though teenagers tend to get sick of the back and forth and tend to settle more at one home than the other so I wouldn’t bank of 50/50 continuing much longer but that’s just my observation

Jeez, £4K a year when you are unable to save any money.

You need to stop this. 2 kids together plus DSS, thats family money.

Their relationship is not amicable she's no different than a mobster wanting "protection money". He's paying her so he doesn't have to deal with her.

If she makes a fuss I would put a claim in against her as DSS is actually with younkore. How ridiculous!

@BurntO

That’s crazy OP. Since he is 13 I think your OH should contact her and say from X date we will be ceasing the maintenance payment but will continue to put money aside for DSS’s future instead. If 50/50 slides then adjust accordingly.

Typically though teenagers tend to get sick of the back and forth and tend to settle more at one home than the other so I wouldn’t bank of 50/50 continuing much longer but that’s just my observation

This is another thing that worries us. If DSS was to settle in one place more than the other I’m not sure which way he would go to be honest. He seems to like both his homes equally.