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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Child maintenance situation-what is right here?

45 replies

Missrabbitt · 06/12/2021 16:47

This is about DH and his ex wife.

A brief timeline of their relationship- they were together for years, got married, had a baby and when the baby (DSS) was 2 she had an affair, DH found out and they broke up. She stayed with OM and they seem happy and have another child. All very amicable now but took DH a long time to recover emotionally. From the beginning she asked him what custody he would like and they agreed 50/50. He paid for her rent as he was already doing and some maintenance as she otherwise wouldn’t be able to afford to keep DSS in his home.

So a few years later when DSS was 5 she had had another child and was living with her partner (OM). DH asked if he needed to pay maintenance still as he had DSS half the time and was typically the one to buy him school shoes etc, and any ongoing costs such as school dinners were split 50/50. She said if he didn’t she would seek more custody of DSS so she was entitled to it. So DH dropped it. I met DH about a year after this.

Today DH and I have had 2 children, DSS lives with us 50% of the time (slightly more during the holidays) Relationship with exw is decent. DH hasn’t broached the maintenance issue again and won’t for the sake of DSS which I agree is the best thing to do. But AIBU for being annoyed that she feels like she is entitled to it? (If it matters we are not well off but comfortable and do earn significantly more than her and her partner)

OP posts:

Rebornagain · 06/12/2021 17:48

Not all teenagers choose a residential home so he may be happy the way it is.

Sounds like the ex is very controlling and threatening to stop 50/50 if no money is received is having cake and eating it.

I would stop the maintenance payment get a formal plan in place and the extra money saved can be spent DSS and family.

Starcup · 06/12/2021 17:57

Let her take him to court, the judge would laugh her out the chambers. She’s sounds like a manipulative cow! He sounds like a great dad and no court in the land would take heed of her.

ElsieMc · 06/12/2021 18:07

Good luck with her going to CMS. They have never been good, but at the moment they are a disaster. They would take a long time to set matters up and it is nigh on impossible to get through to them. They also take into account the number of nights your DSS stays at yours per annum and also takes into account the number of children (ie yours) living with you. The child does not even have to be his. This all reduces her entitlement.

I really don't think she would get that much. Occasionally people do this and find themselves worse off.

CMS is the last resort of parents whose previous partner simply does not want to pay for their child. She will even have to pay the set up fee of £20 before they even start.

Why don't you look at the CMS calculator online. It should give you an idea what to expect. Also it is 12% of your partner's gross income.

No family court will reduce the contact your DSS enjoys with your partner. It is the status quo.

Whilst I would never want to see a child do without financially, and believe me I have long, bitter experience of CMS letting my gs down, she is taking the piss here. Good luck to her with the CMS.

Original poster

Missrabbitt · 06/12/2021 18:07

@Starcup

Let her take him to court, the judge would laugh her out the chambers. She’s sounds like a manipulative cow! He sounds like a great dad and no court in the land would take heed of her.

Im pretty sure she wouldn’t take him to court at this stage but it would ruin the communicative relationship between her and DH that we all agree is important for DSS.

OP posts:

Bogofftosomewherehot · 06/12/2021 18:09

Who pays for trainers, school uniform, pocket money, trips out with friends, hair cuts, school stationery/bags/books? Who takes him / pays for clothes shopping, hobbies, after school activities, laptop, phone?

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 06/12/2021 18:10

I think if his exw was a single parent and having to juggle childcare and jobs, your dh was right to help her with rent and cm. However she's now living with another dp and has other dc with him and he shares custody he shouldn't be paying anything. He's been far too accommodating and the money he pays to his ex isn't going towards his dc as his dc spends as much time with you as he does with his mother. The money he is giving to his exw is family money that isn't going toward his dc's future, and other dc.

In his shoes I'd pull the plug and stop paying cm when he doesn't have to

ElsieMc · 06/12/2021 18:13

Had a brief look at the calculator and I think she will be in for a shock!

Viviennemary · 06/12/2021 18:14

If you earn significantly more than she and her partner do then I would let it go. Seems mean otherwise.

Original poster

Missrabbitt · 06/12/2021 18:23

@Bogofftosomewherehot

These things aren’t all the same every time but I would say we spend more on balance. School uniform is split. We tend to take him on more expensive days out/holidays but that’s our choice. I try to get in there first when he needs new school shoes as his mum tends to buy him cheap ill fitting shoes and then it’s awkward when he says his feet hurt.

Does it matter if the reason we are comfortable is that DH and I both earn a similar amount? If I earned much less we would really struggle (although I guess we probably wouldn’t have had a third child that we couldn’t afford!)

OP posts:

caringcarer · 06/12/2021 18:51

Tell her she can have £100 pm. If she says she will reduce your DH contact take her to court. If she is smart she will realise that is £100 more than she deserves. Put the other £150 away for all 3 children for when they need help for Uni. Tell her this is where the money is going. Make sure your DH keeps buyi.g his son shoes and school uniform.

Bogofftosomewherehot · 06/12/2021 19:43

As the mother of teenagers I know how much they cost and all the things I listed are the tip of the iceberg, but you didn't really answer my question about who pays for teen social life, phone, clothes, books, stationery, etc. You answered that you take him for more expensive days out and on balance pay for more. So when looking at the "balance" you include the cost of his more expensive days out?!

It's usually the mum that takes on the mental load of the family - wellbeing, doctors and dentists, what needs to happen and when, pants with holes in them, folders for projects etc etc. Or are you saying that your husband is doing that and managing his shopping needs and extra curricular activities and social life?

I think he's paying too much - but, on balance, I bet mum is taking on more than you give her credit for!

Original poster

Missrabbitt · 06/12/2021 20:09

@Bogofftosomewherehot

I think he's paying too much - but, on balance, I bet mum is taking on more than you give her credit for!

To be honest I haven’t taken a deep look at the ‘balance’ before because we just tend to buy him what he needs when he needs it and yes I’d coins something like taking him and his friends to Alton towers for his birthday day out in the balance. It’s what he was desperate to do and his mum said she couldn’t afford it.

Ok, teen social life is mostly his own money or if extra is needed it would be whoever’s day he is on, clothes are just bought as and when needed (usually us) and he gets some for Christmas/birthdays, phone is an old one of mine that we pay for and are getting him a better one for Christmas. Laptop was a present from grandparents (DHs parents). Mum does dentist, any doctor issues are both of them but DSS prefers speaking to DH about them these days, DH does do a lot of organising old pants etc, signed him up to his hobby (it’s at weekends so taking him there is split) - DH was a single dad for years and is pretty good at stuff like that.

OP posts:

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/12/2021 20:13

Christ, where do these overly obliging/ push over men come from? Who pay maintenance while having 50:50 and shouldering more day to day expenses.

Can I swap him for my exh who unilaterally decided not to pay court ordered maintenance (well to half it) even though he doesn’t do the days he’s supposed to with dc?

Starcup · 06/12/2021 20:32

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

Christ, where do these overly obliging/ push over men come from? Who pay maintenance while having 50:50 and shouldering more day to day expenses.

Can I swap him for my exh who unilaterally decided not to pay court ordered maintenance (well to half it) even though he doesn’t do the days he’s supposed to with dc?

Im pretty sure she wouldn’t take him to court at this stage but it would ruin the communicative relationship between her and DH that we all agree is important for DSS

@Missrabbitt

But that would be on her. Going to country should be a last resort but she’s using it as a weapon to get her own way. That’s not on.

Starcup · 06/12/2021 20:33

To add, any judge would look at the situation and circumstances and see through her and you DH would still get 50:50 but won’t be held over a barrel

Starcup · 06/12/2021 20:33

court

Original poster

Missrabbitt · 06/12/2021 20:43

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

Christ, where do these overly obliging/ push over men come from? Who pay maintenance while having 50:50 and shouldering more day to day expenses.

Can I swap him for my exh who unilaterally decided not to pay court ordered maintenance (well to half it) even though he doesn’t do the days he’s supposed to with dc?

you may not swap him! He is pretty great.

He’s not a pushover in general but he sees with this payment that it’s not worth the bad blood.

OP posts:

FabriqueBelgique · 06/12/2021 20:52

He’s paying all that every month for his ex to be pleasant to him?!

Northernlurker · 06/12/2021 21:02

I suspect how dh sees it is that he's paying to keep dss's standard of living the same in both homes? But as the shoes show that is t the case, ex wife is using the money to subsidise HER standard of living. These payments don't have to be declared anywhere do they? It's her pocket money. Try to get him to see that.

I would say a tapering reduction is perfectly fair. You never know, she might agree she's taking the piss......

Terminallysleepdeprived · 06/12/2021 21:10

My 3x and I have 50/50 custody on paper although dd ever sleeps over at her dad's for a number of reasons. But even when she did I still receive £150/month from him in maintenance because whilst we both work full time he earns over double my earnings. We split all school related and sports fees 50/50.

If you can afford it then I would keep paying. It isn't about you 4 as adults it is about a child.

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