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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About physical touch?

40 replies

Yeswhatno · 06/12/2021 15:13

I saw a video of a woman saying that she hasn’t cuddled in months and hiw that is effecting her mental health….

So here’s a thing: I’m mid 30’s and have never cuddled with anyone ever.
And really not had much of any physical contact in any form.

I didn’t now it can/does (does it?) effect people!

My parents weren’t touchy feely. Only had like two friends, they weren’t touchy and I’ve never been in a relationship so I didn’t know.
Has it effected me?

Is this a thing?

OP posts:
Pixiedown123 · 06/12/2021 15:17

Maybe you don't miss something you've never had. If it doesn't bother you, then there's nothing to worry about. Maybe that woman is at the opposite end of the cuddle scale and that's why she is so affected by lack of touch.

Roadshiner · 06/12/2021 15:23

I like to hug my DH, kids and grandkids, but it stops there.

Absolutely hated all the ever increasing amounts of social hugging and missing kissing that was going on before the pandemic. The only benefit of covid is that all that has stopped now and I for one will be using it as a reason to never get up close to anyone’s body ever again. A quick elbow bump is more than adequate for me thanks.

girlmom21 · 06/12/2021 15:23

We all have different wants and needs. If you've never been a cuddler you won't miss the feeling that it brings, but you might find that you'd feel a bit down if you broke your favourite much or lost your favourite slippers.

regularbutnamechangedd · 06/12/2021 15:24

I only really hug my kids, and I need their hugs like I need to blink or breathe. Sometimes a quick sniff of their heads will do.

Not fussed about hugging anyone else.

WorraLiberty · 06/12/2021 15:26

I didn’t now it can/does (does it?) effect people!

Regardless of your personal experiences, I'm surprised you've made it to your mid 30s without knowing how it can affect others.

Have you not watched any news at all since March 2020, and seen how lack of physical affection has affected some people including the elderly? Confused

MrsColon · 06/12/2021 15:27

Humans (in general) need touch - babies will actually die without enough of it, even if all their other needs are met. Were you not hugged as a child? That's really sad if so Sad

I don't like most people touching me, only very close family and friends. I'd be sad if I didn't get hugs from those closest to me though.

sunlovingcriminal · 06/12/2021 15:30

I love cuddling and would find my mental health diminished if I didn't get any cuddles. I have particularly close female friends who are similar and we'll walk arm in arm, and always hug on meeting. I have one good friend who we'll watch tv curled up with!

Obviously this is only with similarly tactile people like me... I'm not hugging people who prefer not to be, and respect everyone's boundaries.

I really think it's horses for courses.

doadeer · 06/12/2021 15:31

I would find it very hard not to have physical touch.

My son is autistic and sensory seeking so.we spend a lot of time hugging each day. I love it ❤️

ChangeChingyChange · 06/12/2021 15:32

Do you have additional needs etc OP? it's extremely unusual to get to 30s and never hugged anyone unless you naturally shy away from hugs etc for a reason?

Hankunamatata · 06/12/2021 15:35

Def different needs and availability I suppose. I'm not a touchy person, dont hold hands, get touched out easily however I do like the feeling of DH in bed, usually our legs touching as again I hate being cuddled in bed

Tal45 · 06/12/2021 15:40

Cuddling is better than drugs IMO! Or maybe it's the best drug...I was wondering why you had never had a relationship - whether by choice or not - and if your lack of need for physical touch was partly to do with it.

pigsDOfly · 06/12/2021 15:55

After my 77 year old father died my mother, 70 years old, told me the thing she missed most was not having him there to cuddle.

I don't have anyone to cuddle really except adult DD when I see her but obviously, we don't sit and cuddle, it's more of a hug when we meet up and when we say goodbye, so I have to sneak cuddles with my dog when I can.

Cuddles are very important for wellbeing in my opinion, vital in fact.

Surely that's why we cuddle babies and children so much and cuddle them to comfort them when they're frighten or hurt; adults too when they're upset or even when they just want a cuddle.

It's the best feeling in the world cuddling someone you love.

Original poster
Yeswhatno · 06/12/2021 15:56

@WorraLiberty

I didn’t now it can/does (does it?) effect people!

Regardless of your personal experiences, I'm surprised you've made it to your mid 30s without knowing how it can affect others.

Have you not watched any news at all since March 2020, and seen how lack of physical affection has affected some people including the elderly? Confused

Well, it’s not like anyone told me. I just didn’t know.

I haven’t seen those kind of news.

Really it was just a little while go when I saw the video and it made wonder.

No one in my life has been physical kind of person, so I never learned.
To me that was normal.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yeswhatno · 06/12/2021 16:01

@ChangeChingyChange

Do you have additional needs etc OP? it's extremely unusual to get to 30s and never hugged anyone unless you naturally shy away from hugs etc for a reason?
I think I do, well, I do. They are not being met.

I was a lonely, akward kid, still same, just an adult now.
Always felt like an outsider, I don’t really ”get” people.

OP posts:
DeepaBeesKit · 06/12/2021 16:02

Depends the type of person you are. Dh is not huggy. Neither is DS. DD is more so, but not a patch on my niece who is super cuddly.

I think if you are a person who needs physical affection, it will impact you more.

thepeopleversuswork · 06/12/2021 16:04

People vary hugely in terms of what physical affection they need.

Personally I only have a physical need to hug my DD and boyfriend -- I hug friends etc socially but I wouldn't say its something I particularly miss if I don't have it. In fact sometimes it feels a bit intrusive.

I remember seeing loads of people during lockdown saying they were physically craving hugs and cuddles and I didn't really get that. But clearly enough people find it important that it wouldn't come as a huge shock to know that some people want it.

phoenixrosehere · 06/12/2021 16:11

I don't have anyone to cuddle really except adult DD when I see her but obviously, we don't sit and cuddle, it's more of a hug when we meet up and when we say goodbye, so I have to sneak cuddles with my dog when I can.

My mother and sister still cuddle and always have and she is 28.

Me on the other hand is quite particular about it. I cuddle my children, husband, and babies and toddlers (with permission from their parents of course) other than that I keep my hands to myself.

Absolutely hated all the ever increasing amounts of social hugging and missing kissing that was going on before the pandemic. The only benefit of covid is that all that has stopped now and I for one will be using it as a reason to never get up close to anyone’s body ever again.

Agree with this. I’ve spent years going through the social motions when I really didn’t want to and now I can say politely that I’m not a hugger and people are less likely to get offended and most people don’t expect it automatically anymore.

housemaus · 06/12/2021 16:33

I'm quite cuddly (but... - I'll get to that bit). Have friends who I'll snuggle up with on the sofa like I would DH, those who'd I'd hug when I see them (and those I don't!), people who it feels natural to grab their hand or touch their arm or whatever.

The 'but' is that sometimes touch is horrible and way too overstimulating for me and I don't want it at all. I think I just fall at two ends of a spectrum of liking physical touch - you may just fall toward the end of not needing/wanting it much, so it'd make sense you don't miss it?

It definitely depends on your upbringing I think, too. We were quite a tactile family (my sister will come and sit on my knee even now like a little kid and we're both 30+), but I have friends whose families were very much not of the hugging variety and they tend to be unhuggy/untactile adults (and obviously I don't hug/touch them).

It seems that you're trying to decide if it's wrong that you're not affected like the woman you saw saying it's bad for her mental health to have no physical touch, and... no, that's not wrong. If you're fine as you are, that's all that matters.

Chocolatewheatos · 06/12/2021 16:42

I think lockdown has shown us we all have different needs. Some people thrived without the drain of socialisation, others afferent from the disconnection. Some people need masses of physical contact, some people don't desire alot of physical contact.

Chocolatewheatos · 06/12/2021 16:43

Afferent=suffered ??

pigsDOfly · 06/12/2021 16:49

My mother and sister still cuddle and always have and she is 28

Can't help feeling my, close to 40 year old, DD might find it a bit odd if I leapt on her whilst she was visiting me and started cuddling her.

RosiePosieDozy · 06/12/2021 16:52

My parents aren't huggy at all. I think it's affected me in that a lot of the time I feel uncomfortable when someone hugs or touches me unexpectedly. I can feel myself go a little rigid and I try to relax because I know the other person will feel it too. I think negative relationships with previous partners have made me like this too.

I love affection and hugging with my partner now and I am quite huggy when I'm drunk Grin but other than that, I am not a huggy person. Some of us don't need or want touch. It might be that you've never met anyone that you want to be close with.

Doomscrolling · 06/12/2021 18:41

I miss contact when it’s not available. Not necessarily cuddling, but resting a hand on the back of DH’s neck when we watch telly etc

MsAnnFrope · 06/12/2021 18:46

@pigsDOfly I’m in my 40s, grown ass mother with a job and mortgage. My mum will still cuddle me.
I have people I’m very tactile with but I’m very respectful of people who aren’t huggers!

thepeopleversuswork · 06/12/2021 19:00

Absolutely hated all the ever increasing amounts of social hugging and missing kissing that was going on before the pandemic. The only benefit of covid is that all that has stopped now and I for one will be using it as a reason to never get up close to anyone’s body ever again.

I wouldn't go that far I can take or leave being hugged but it doesn't really bother me but I do think "huggers" sometimes overstep boundaries a bit.

I have a really old friend who I love to bits but she's really big on hugging and also having to have close physical proximity to (platonic) friends all the time -- having to hold hands a lot etc. It's definitely not a sexual thing its just what she's like.

I find it quite invasive but its quite hard to tell someone that without offending them. I think COVID has made it easier to duck that sort of thing which for many people is a blessing.