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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I really don't want my BIL to stay, my DH is insisting

34 replies

SophieLoafy · 05/12/2021 20:27

AIBU?
My BIL (husbands step bro) in non covid times comes to stay once a quarter for a weekend. I dislike the man for a variety of very good reasons (deliberately showing me porn to shock me, pranks, unbelievable farting, and more). My DH changes when he is in town. They both become laddie, stay out til the small hours drinking, mess around in the house, hype up the children.
I am EXTREMELY anxious at the moment (panic attacks, medicated). I really don't want him to come and stay but my DH has already agreed it (didn't mention it to me first) , said he hasn't seen him for almost two years.
I don't want him here, I'm worried he'll bring in covid, I don't like him and I'm injured at the moment so I can't do anything at all in terms of housework or preparation for any visitor.
My DH got a bit funny with me when I said I didn't want him, wouldn't compromise and meet him half way in a hotel or go and stay at his house (the boys weekends are ALWAYS at ours and NEVER at his place).
Looks like I just have to stick it, but surely IANBU? For context I don't even particularly want my own parents staying here because of my anxiety and I like then!

OP posts:
peboh · 05/12/2021 20:30

You're not being unreasonable in not wanting him to stay, however your husband isn't being unreasonable in wanting his brother to stay at his house.

I wouldn't be happy if my husband told me one of my siblings couldn't stay at our house when visiting. I also wouldn't say no if he asked if his brother could either.

TheABC · 05/12/2021 20:31

If DH did that without consulting me, I would not be there for the weekend. Fuck hosting and putting up with it.

Either book a hotel (by yourself) or go to your parents with the kids, if that's a better bet for your anxiety.

Cattitudes · 05/12/2021 20:32

Can you and the dc go and stay at your parents instead?

StoneofDestiny · 05/12/2021 20:32

Tell him to go stay at his step brothers for a change. If he refuses I'd
go and stay in a nice hotel with a spa for the weekend - leave them too it and to the cleaning up.

Bluntness100 · 05/12/2021 20:35

You kinda had me till the farting thing, I have to be honest. Everyone farts and it’s not traumatic for most.

I’m assuming your panic attacks are unrelated? Can you speak to your husband and explain you’re mentally Ill so can’t have anyone to stay and it’s not because he farts?

PitchImperfect · 05/12/2021 20:37

I'd definitely clearly set my boundaries & then book myself into a hotel for the duration of his visit, either by myself or with a friend. I certainly wouldn't be taking the kids with me. If that interferes with their laddish antics then tough, they need to grow up.

TooBigForMyBoots · 05/12/2021 20:37

YABU, it's your husband's house as well, he should be able to have his brother round.

Thehop · 05/12/2021 20:39

Book a premier inn

MrsSkylerWhite · 05/12/2021 20:39

Take the children away somewhere nice for the weekend?

iheartredsquirrels · 05/12/2021 20:40

bil sounds like a twat and dh needs to grow up.

Ispini · 05/12/2021 20:42

No way! I’ve had experience of family coming for a week and staying for three months!
He comes to your house and behaves like a savage, and then you husband thinks he is ok. His level of moral values is enough to have him sleeping in a local ditch!
Holy shit this is beyond the beyond of reasonable. You need lots of hugs 💐 and kick ass vibes!

Lemonlady22 · 05/12/2021 20:43

Leave the kids and go and stay somewhere on your own. They can be laddish with the children in tow, then clean up afterwards while you relax.

Mrsjayy · 05/12/2021 20:45

He sounds disgusting who shows a sister in law or any woman porn for the "lolz" I agree with pp go to your parents or something for the weekend or they can book a travel lodge I don't think yabu in not wanting to be around him.

GameofPhones · 05/12/2021 20:48

Book in to Premier Inn. Cheap, and not bad.

Disfordarkchocolate · 05/12/2021 20:48

Any person who thought it was a good idea to show me porn would not be staying at my house.

Tell your husband to go and stay with him because your not spending the weekend with someone who gets their kicks from making me uncomfortable.

Porcupineintherough · 05/12/2021 20:51

I think YABU, although the anxiety of obviously not your fault. I cant imagine my dh not allowing my siblings to visit, esp after 2 years.

I do think it's fine that you dont do any prep for the visit though - your dh can do it, and the hosting when he's with you. And if you want to.keep well out of the way, equally fine.

Something else to think about is that living with someone who is struggling with their mental health can be stressful for their partner. Your dh may need the chance to unwind a bit (or maybe not if he goes out with mates regularly anyway).

Covid is a bit of a worry but I doubt your BiL is more likely to bring it home than the children.

LostForIdeas · 05/12/2021 20:55

So, I’d move out for that weekend.
Go away ON YOUR OWN to a hotel so you can concentrate in your recovery.
Make it clear the house has to be spotless when you come back too.

Original poster
SophieLoafy · 05/12/2021 20:57

I know it is reasonable for him to see his step brother especially after two years and also yes it probably is stressful to live with me (although I do mask and hide it as much as possible).
I'm also agoraphobic so can't stay elsewhere really and also I'll be doing the school runs / clubs whilst they have hangovers.

The farting isn't just "normal" it's dramatic, posed, extremely smelly, "funny" to everyone but me, and deliberately done in public.

OP posts:
LostForIdeas · 05/12/2021 21:00

Btw inviting someone to your house when you know your partner is unwell is crap.

Inviting someone that you know is going to make that condition worse (in this case making the OP’s anxiety worse) is even worse.

And doing that wo telling them so they have no way so saying NO…. shows that your DH knew very well what your answer would be and wanted to force you to accept.

You don’t have to though.
You might not be able to stop your BIL from coming but you certainly don’t have to be there.
Take back control. Go away fir the weekend, have a nice time on your own. Look after your MH and let your DH enjoy his WE with his BIL (and the dcs)

LostForIdeas · 05/12/2021 21:02

@SophieLoafy so the plan is for your DH to also take some time off to be able to go out and drink?
And your DH knows you won’t go away because of your agoraphobia?

Who on Earth puts their partner in a position where they have to just accept something they find unacceptable?? Talk about not respecting boundaries!!

Poptart4 · 05/12/2021 21:11

@StoneofDestiny

Tell him to go stay at his step brothers for a change. If he refuses I'd go and stay in a nice hotel with a spa for the weekend - leave them too it and to the cleaning up.
The infamous MN 'have a spa weekend' advice Hmm Do people who give this advise realise spa weekends cost money and not everyone has a few hundred quid to splash out on a spa weekend especially 3 weeks before Christmas.?

OP YANBU but neither is your DH. He hasn't seen his brother in 2 years so it's really not unreasonable for him to want him to stay. If you have family you can stay with for the weekend I'd do that.

Totalwasteofpaper · 05/12/2021 21:17

If he insists let him do the leg work.
Don't make a bed for him.
Don't get in beer's.
Don't make a stick of food for him or your DH
Your dh needs to strip and laundrr the bed after.

Take yourself out early on the Saturday and leave them with the kids until lunch and then take the kids out for an afternoon activity. When you get back with kids fed, disappear off and play with them upstairs or go up early to bed.
Alternately take them off to your parents for the weekend.

Whatever I did I wouldn't be breathing in his eggy farts and making him cups of tea.

tearinghairout · 05/12/2021 21:24

I would keep well out of the way and spend quite a lot of that weekend catching up with friends.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 05/12/2021 21:46

it's your home too, insist he goes to bil's this time, he can't argue its not fair if he always comes to you, or do they want waiting on hand and foot by you?

Chloemol · 05/12/2021 21:54

I would just go and stay with family for the weekend