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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think sister's family shouldn't self isolate with elderly parents over christmas?

61 replies

antigenrapidtest · 05/12/2021 18:03

My sister and her husband, and their children come over to the UK for christmas every year. Obviously covid meant that they couldn't last year. They live in Vienna so would need to do all sorts of covid tests when coming over.

They have flights booked to the UK on Christmas eve. The new testing rules mean that they would have to self isolate until their day 2 test came back. Because it's Christmas, it could take longer than usual.

They stay with my elderly parents (84 and 86). This would mean that they would have to self isolate too, until the results came back. So firstly there is the risk of covid being brought to their house.

But secondly. It would mean that my children wouldn't be able to see their grandparents on Christmas day/Boxing day etc. I raised this with my parents and they didn't seem massively concerned, and said we would manage something and just meet outside in the garden (not allowed if self isolating).

AIBU to think they shouldn't self isolate with them over christmas? or am I being a bit selfish as I get to see my parents all year round, as I didn't decide to move to Austria.

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 05/12/2021 18:22

Obv op you're the better daughter who didn't abandon your parents to swan off abroad so they should always put you first and refuse to see their other child unless it's OK with you.

Or, you got to see them last year so it's perfectly reasonable to alternate and them see their other child whom they also love this year.

maddening · 05/12/2021 18:23

Parents could come and stay with you while dsis isolates at their house and you and dps could visit them in the garden or something?

Twilight7777 · 05/12/2021 18:25

Is it not possible for them to change their flights to 2 days before Christmas Eve, so there would be less of a problem?

EmeraldShamrock · 05/12/2021 18:25

They'll be taking the precautions on the way in.

It'd be nice if they could come a week early.

If it was my family I'd be bursting at the seam to see them.

How2Help · 05/12/2021 18:33

I think the problem here may be that you spend most days of the year looking out for you parents: from doing odd jobs, to making sure they have got toilet rolls when there is panic buying, to making sure their heating is on, to changing lightbulbs - or to some degree of full on caring. Then you are considered selfish for not giving up the opportunity to share an enjoyable family day of the year with them do that the absent family members can - having not been consulted and just told what will be happening.

Been there, done that and this makes me err towards YANBU.

SickAndTiredAgain · 05/12/2021 18:34

Is this a massively larger risk than the risk you and your kids pose when visiting your parents on any given day?

And anyway, even if it is, if your parents aren’t concerned then it’s not up to you to say they can’t stay with them.

MargosKaftan · 05/12/2021 18:35

I would ask my sister if there is any way she can come over 2 days earlier so you can all spend Christmas day together.

SickAndTiredAgain · 05/12/2021 18:36

They stay with my elderly parents (84 and 86). This would mean that they would have to self isolate too, until the results came back.

Your parents wouldn’t legally have to isolate in this scenario.

CurzonDax · 05/12/2021 18:38

It sounds like your parents okay-ed this with your sister? If so, as adults, your parents are entitled to spend Christmas however, and with whoever, they want/chose to.

Sucks for you, and I can see why you're upset (feels like they are prioritising, and therefore favouring, your sister over you). However, it is still their choice.

greenlynx · 05/12/2021 18:39

Your sister should isolate in a hotel. And visit your parents only when she’s in clear.
You are not petty or mean at all. I’m your sister in this situation and would never put my parents under such considerable risk.

Returnoftheowl · 05/12/2021 18:44

@How2Help

Been there, done that and this makes me err towards YANBU.

I agree with this POV.

None of us know the dynamic, but it could be that you're stuck with the day to day drudge (not care exactly... But doing their shopping, popping over to help them out, changing the light bulbs, taking them to appointments, doing all the bits etc) and then your sister gets to swan in as the returning prodigal child and you have to change your plans without consultation and it's just assumed you'll fall in line. In this sense I can see why OP feels aggrieved.

LethargicActress · 05/12/2021 18:48

Yabu, and yes you do sound like you’re being a bit selfish.

You are not more important than your sister to your parents because you live in the same country, and you and your dc get to see your parents regularly. You can still do some kind of Christmas celebration with your parents before your sister arrives.

BlueRabbitWasNaughty · 05/12/2021 18:50

Do your parents definitely have to isolate too?

Pop in to see them on Christmas Eve before your sister arrives and then they should be clear again by Boxing Day.

Kshhuxnxk · 05/12/2021 18:51

It's your parents house and they want them to stay so it doesn't really matter what you want.

WonderfulYou · 05/12/2021 19:00

It sounds like your parents okay-ed this with your sister? If so, as adults, your parents are entitled to spend Christmas however, and with whoever, they want/chose to.

I agree.

You sound quite selfish seeing as you can easily see them the other 365 days of the year.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 05/12/2021 19:01

The thing is, it’s not your decision. Four other adults, in full possession of the facts, are choosing to spend Christmas together. Covid means difficult choices. They are entitled to make theirs. It’s reasonable for you to feel disappointed but it’s not reasonable for you to try and get anyone to change their minds to suit you.

Africa2go · 05/12/2021 19:02

YANBU - I had a similar situation last year when my relative did come back and moved in with my parents (with children that didn't need to be tested ) to 'isolate', asked parents to collect them from airport etc when they'd be so careful for months. That was completely selfish in my view.

There is a really simple solution here. They come back a couple of days earlier, get a hotel for a night or two until the results come through and then go to your parents and you can all have Xmas together.

Ericabro · 05/12/2021 19:07

They do not have to wait until day 2 to test they could pay at airport for a fast track test and know the results in a few hours if you are so concerned maybe you could offer them a few of the covid tests you could obtain for free?

thegcatsmother · 05/12/2021 19:10

YANBU. I'm another one whose sibling is abroad. I moved back, knowing returning to UK would mean I'd get landed with sorting Mum out when necessary. Db is the golden child, and dispenses criticism, 'advice' and suggestions from afar. I'm the one who does the shopping, fills her car up with petrol, sorts any problems, changes her bed and does her bins fortnightly, and I work full time.

How2help has nailed it for me.

PrincessPaws · 05/12/2021 19:20

@MargosKaftan

I would ask my sister if there is any way she can come over 2 days earlier so you can all spend Christmas day together.

Absolutely agree with this. An earlier flight, and a test on the way back from the airport

endlesswinter · 05/12/2021 19:21

We are the family traveling back in this situation.
You dsis family will have done their first pcr test before traveling and can take their second as soon as they arrive.
I don't see that they pose more of risk than your family would?
Your DP's don't need to isolate just the traveling family and likely only 12 hours before second test comes back.

We offered to stay elsewhere MiL said not to be daft, your parents are allowed to make their own decisions around risk.

I suspect this is more about resentment about other things.

PinkiOcelot · 05/12/2021 19:23

Why would your parents have to isolate?

OnAWobblyFence · 05/12/2021 19:30

@greenlynx

Your sister should isolate in a hotel. And visit your parents only when she’s in clear. You are not petty or mean at all. I’m your sister in this situation and would never put my parents under such considerable risk.

What risk? In order for the sister in Austria to visit she has to have a negative test before departure and be vaxxed. Meanwhile the UK daughter can visit without needing to be vaxxed or have any testing. The UK daughter may well be vaxxed, we don’t know. But I’ll bet she’s not doing a negative PCR every time she visits them like the Austria daughter will have to. If she has a negative test to come into the country, she can’t pass to the parents a virus that she does not have.

lebkuchenforxmas · 05/12/2021 19:36

I think YABU.
They will have all had to PCR test before they fly over.
They can test at the airport as soon as they land and can pay a premium to get faster results which will minimise the time your parents need to isolate. They're presumably flying in before Xmas Day itself so results should come through before Boxing Day, if not Xmas Day.
Have you & your DC been visiting them during this? Have you PCR tested every time you've been? Or at least lateral flow tested? Are you perhaps the greater risk here?

gogohm · 05/12/2021 19:38

Why not take 3 hour tests or same day on Christmas Eve?

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