To feel second best to an ex colleague who I replaced?

[Mls1984btc]

Did not expect to get this role so was a real surprise when I landed the job.

The person who I replaced was very methodical, outspoken, in short brilliant at her job.

I wasn’t fussed in the beginning of my job but couple of months down the line it has started to annoy me that the manager will mentioned her name and how she will do it every once in a while. All of her projects which she has since pass down to me ( which I actually discover a few major mistakes, of which the manager just waved it off) still have her name attached with people speaking fondly as her projects in the meeting.

AIBU to feel a bit put out by this?

That would annoy the hell out of me. She’s gone, it’s time to move on. I’d also be bringing up the mistakes again when told “so and so did it like this” and explain because I’m having to rectify them, it can’t go as efficient as expected.

I had this once. I felt I could never measure up to this perfect woman. It was so annoying and undermining that I ended up leaving for another job where they appreciated me.

@SoniaFouler

That would annoy the hell out of me. She’s gone, it’s time to move on. I’d also be bringing up the mistakes again when told “so and so did it like this” and explain because I’m having to rectify them, it can’t go as efficient as expected.

Exactly that’s what annoys me the most.

To further compounding the issue I am really quiet in a group settings as I was taught only speak when you actually have something of substance to contribute ( I know I know I am still trying to get over that).

I guess the next time when the manager brought up the person again I am going to say shame she is not here anymore to rectify the issues. I guess is MY responsibility now 🙄

Just read/watch Rebecca.

@Gwenhwyfar

Just read/watch Rebecca.

Would you be able to provide a snapshot of what the book is about? Never heard or watch it thanks

Oooh, I think I'd find it hard not to say "Shame she didn't feel the same way about you lot, otherwise I guess she'd still be here......."

It’s hard when you’re the new person. I was called ‘the new Debbie’ for about three months in one job 🙄 which was so annoying. Then in one job, the woman who had gone for my job was tasked with training me before she left and was a total bitch for three weeks. I actually didn’t go in on her last day because of her behaviour. I didn’t find out for about six months that she’d gone for the job tbh and think it was actually pretty shitty of the organisation to get her to train me.

I've found in most workplaces people go on and on about people that no longer work there as if they're some mythical God-like creature

I have a similar but more extreme situation on my hands, my predecessor resigned. None of my colleagues even really mention her, unless it’s very relevant, very normal behavuour about an ex colleague who resigned months and months ago, but my boss mentions her all the time. Always. He’s got proper mentionitis.

It’s all me and Beryl (made up name obvs) this and me and beryl that, oh I emailed beryl and asked her, oh I phoned beryl, (even though she’s been gone months and there was no need to phone her) it’s every single time I speak to him, he talks about beryl, I now find myself rolling my eyes.

I’m not really put out but it as such, I’m very good at my job, and I know he thinks that, but I find it really odd. Ive never encountered such a thing.

It’s to the extent I actually mentioned to my husband last week I wonder if he had a crush on her or they had an affair. It’s simply abnormal behaviour. He doesn’t talk about her as in she was great at her job or anything like that, it’s just all and any opportunities he gets he mentions her and generally for no good reason at all. Like he has to talk about her.

When I first started this role one of my male colleagues did make a cryptic comment about my boss being shocked and taken aback when she resigned, and I’m now wondering if he was hinting at something else. Another female at my bosses level actually made a subtle dig about her to him and he then phoned me and mentioned it, and I found myself agreeing with the female. In a sort of bitchy way.

I do wonder if he does it at home with his wife, I have to believe he does, it’s like he can’t stop himself, so I wonder how his wife feels about it.

Rebecca is a Daphne du Maurier book. In it the second Mrs de Winter is constantly compared with the brilliant first Mrs de Winter ( Rebecca). Basically to cut a long story short, not everyone was such a fan of Rebecca including Mr de Winter ( who it turns out murdered her). I think the point the pp is making is that the second Mrs de Winter lived in the shadow of the first but it turned out there was a lot more to it.

Thanks for the explanation.

My boss does has some sort of mentionitis when it comes to her. Nobody else except a couple in the office who do not work directly with her suffer the same symptom.

I guess I will just have to smile and retort with the above the next time he mentioned her again.

I think it's hard for some people to deal with changes at work, so it's probably nothing personal and they will get used to you. I took over my current job from someone and the first few months were tough but now they are just a distant memory.

I took over from, by all accounts for the first few months, God's gift to accountants.

I stuck to the line "A was great but we obviously think in really different ways so I need to make sure this works for me".

Most of his spreadsheets were wildly inefficient and about 6 months in the team all independently came in to say how relieved they were he'd left. Give it time!

@DuneFan

I took over from, by all accounts for the first few months, God's gift to accountants.

I stuck to the line "A was great but we obviously think in really different ways so I need to make sure this works for me".

Most of his spreadsheets were wildly inefficient and about 6 months in the team all independently came in to say how relieved they were he'd left. Give it time!

Kudos to her who indeed done a brilliant job as far as I can see. Everything is organised which makes it easier for me to take over.

I guess the AIBU part is the fact the couple of my colleagues/manager are kept singing her praises and kept insisting her name being left on some of the projects. That’s what gets me

I replaced a brilliant manger who is also one of the kindest, fun people I have ever met. She moved elsewhere in the org and has helped me enormously, and been endlessly supportive. The team I manage not so much and I am looking to move on now. Such a shame but I can not live up to her-at least my replacement won’t have the same problems!

I've been in a sort of similar situation - after starting my new role, I found out it was available because the previous employee sadly died. During lockdown I was still working in the office, but many were still WFH. When the time came for them to come back, one colleague who had become quite friendly with said that she was dreading coming back in because 'Mary' wouldn't be there (they worked/we work closely). Made me feel really shit but also selfish for feeling shit!

When colleagues reminisce about her I feel so awful that it's me sitting there instead of Mary 😔

I once took over a rather "lively" class who constantly harked back to my predecessor, as did some of the parents.......this tailed off when I fixed some of the complainers with a knowing look and sympathised, hinting, as I agreed "Yes it's a pity that she left" that it might just have been some of their antics that drove her to it. I discovered later that some of the parents who sang her praises so vociferously had found fault endlessly with the tiniest thing, and were thunderstruck when they realised that she wasn't prepared to stand for it.

The one I replaced made some real errors before she left,. Some really significant that he’s had to correct, as she was senior enough that if she said it it was law, so he’s had a lot of correction behind the scenes to do to fix it,, and I’ve played nicely and said things like oh I’m sure it was the right decision just wrong procedure etc, whilst thinking fuck me that’s a dismissible offence.

He even puts team pics up and says oh look there’s Beryl, it’s so odd, no one says a word, everyone is too polite. Then he will sort of laugh and say oh well she’s not part of the team anymore, and everyone still stays silent.

I recognise I’m good at my job, he recognises that and is very complimentary, but I don’t think I shall ever have a relationship like she did with him, where clearly they were partners in crime. Oddly, I am friendlier with his boss, who comes to me directly and we speak several times a week, my boss says he doesn’t mind, but I think he really, really does.I’m not sure I quite olay ball like she did. And I strongly suspect I need to learn.

I had a job once where all I heard about was how great Linda was. I lasted a year and left … bad owners, terrible management etc.
A few months later I got a phone call from my replacement (who I’d never met) asking if she could talk to me. She’d got my number from a file with my old cv. She said all she heard was how brilliant I was, and how she couldn’t live up to me. Seems that’s just how the owners are, and I told her to get out sooner rather than later.

@Bluntness100

The one I replaced made some real errors before she left,. Some really significant that he’s had to correct, as she was senior enough that if she said it it was law, so he’s had a lot of correction behind the scenes to do to fix it,, and I’ve played nicely and said things like oh I’m sure it was the right decision just wrong procedure etc, whilst thinking fuck me that’s a dismissible offence.

He even puts team pics up and says oh look there’s Beryl, it’s so odd, no one says a word, everyone is too polite. Then he will sort of laugh and say oh well she’s not part of the team anymore, and everyone still stays silent.

I recognise I’m good at my job, he recognises that and is very complimentary, but I don’t think I shall ever have a relationship like she did with him, where clearly they were partners in crime. Oddly, I am friendlier with his boss, who comes to me directly and we speak several times a week, my boss says he doesn’t mind, but I think he really, really does.I’m not sure I quite olay ball like she did. And I strongly suspect I need to learn.

Omg I think we are in the totally similar position!

Except not his boss but I am in great rapport with someone who is much senior than him.

You had written what’s happening in my office. People just ignored him whenever he is in one of his ‘must mention her at all costs’ trajectory.

I love doing reflection so am not sure whether is because I am jealous of her or my feeling is valid. But it does makes me feel inadequate, especially when I am not even sure why was I given the job when several others who have been in the team for much longer than me lose out.

Omg I think we are in the totally similar position!

I think so, yes, as soon as I read your thread I thought, yup, I’m going through exactly this, the only difference is I don’t feel inadequate, at all, although I totally get the “am I jealous” thing, I don’t think I am, but I do recognise I don’t usually react like this, and have actually wondered if I am.

I find myself very curious about her. I simply can’t understand rhe constant mentionitis, the repeated “did I tell you I called beryl and asked her” . Yeah mate you did, several times,,eye roll, ,,,then is it me?

I don’t think it’s envy, but god I’d love to sit her down and say alright what was the deal here, why did you leave? Something isn’t right, I get that much but really that’s all I know.

For me, I’m just getting on with it and pretending it’s not happening and hoping he gets over it in time,,I don’t think any thing else can be done.

@Bluntness100

Omg I think we are in the totally similar position!

I think so, yes, as soon as I read your thread I thought, yup, I’m going through exactly this, the only difference is I don’t feel inadequate, at all, although I totally get the “am I jealous” thing, I don’t think I am, but I do recognise I don’t usually react like this, and have actually wondered if I am.

I find myself very curious about her. I simply can’t understand rhe constant mentionitis, the repeated “did I tell you I called beryl and asked her” . Yeah mate you did, several times,,eye roll, ,,,then is it me?

I don’t think it’s envy, but god I’d love to sit her down and say alright what was the deal here, why did you leave? Something isn’t right, I get that much but really that’s all I know.

For me, I’m just getting on with it and pretending it’s not happening and hoping he gets over it in time,,I don’t think any thing else can be done.

The person who I replaced was an Oxford graduate so I can totally understand why people were ‘besotted’ with her. Like I say she was really good but not PERFECT for god sake. In fact nobody is.

But you cannot disguise the admiration and something I cannot quite put my finger on whenever my manager mentioned her.

In the parallel universe I would also love to find out why she left. The real reason.

For what I can see I can imagine there’s some sort of unreciprocated feelings from someone towards her. No price on guessing who🤮

Get yourself out there, take ownership of the projects. For projects you are now leading on introduce yourself to the stakeholders, make it clear you are the point of contact and if anyone says Jane used to do it this way, make it clear you do it that way.

@Cattipuss

Get yourself out there, take ownership of the projects. For projects you are now leading on introduce yourself to the stakeholders, make it clear you are the point of contact and if anyone says Jane used to do it this way, make it clear you do it that way.

Believe me I will.

I was trying to sort out my feeling over the weekend since the meeting last Friday to ensure I wasn’t being overly sensitive. Since then I spoke to a couple of work friends from different units and of course you guys which has sort of validated my view.

Thanks you peeps