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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed by this?

35 replies

doorornottodoor · 05/12/2021 09:24

My husband is working from home and does (what feels like) everything for our teenagers. I work out of the house.

There seems to be no plan to try and encourage independence. One of them plays sport to a high level. He’s (just turned) 15 and I’ve just got annoyed at my husband for making his packed lunch for his international trials day. Training is in difficult to get to places by public transport and do they get a lift to that, fair enough.

I did put my foot down at bags being packed! But also he gives them a lift to school when school only a mile away and back home. He’s admitted it’s because he likes to chat to them in the car as the oldest isn’t normally very chatty, so I suppose fair enough. I understand that.

We just had a row because I caught him apologising to my son for us not getting him to bed early enough so he’s now tired for his trials today (my husband was out and I only got my son to turn off at 11.30). Felt like a dig at me which annoyed me.

He is our youngest so we do baby him a bit.

Anyway, this has only started since the pandemic as my husband was away a lot before. Work is quiet and he is someone that likes to care for others. But I feel he does it for himself in a way.

AIBU?

OP posts:
grafittiartist · 05/12/2021 09:27

I like giving them lifts for that reason- it's a chance to chat.
Tricky balance isn't it. Providing but cultivating independence.

Jacaranda75 · 05/12/2021 09:32

I do all of this for my DS who is 16. I feel that life is stressful for them so I do anything I can to help take the pressure off.

sst1234 · 05/12/2021 09:34

Is this a serious thread? Or is it satire to complement the ones where women complain about the husband doing nothing around the house, spending no time with the children.

Original poster
doorornottodoor · 05/12/2021 09:34

I feel a bit of a bitch now!!! I just feel they’ve gone backwards in their independence skills since my husband has been working from home. Maybe I’m a bit jealous too of him taking over my role in a way! I suppose it’s nice for him to be able to do these things.

I just got so annoyed about the sorry we didn’t get you to bed earlier! I’m other words sorry mum didn’t get you to bed earlier!

OP posts:
Original poster
doorornottodoor · 05/12/2021 09:35

@sst1234

Is this a serious thread? Or is it satire to complement the ones where women complain about the husband doing nothing around the house, spending no time with the children.
Yes it’s serious. You can do too much for your kids you know.
OP posts:
Theworldisquiethere · 05/12/2021 09:38

YANBU
I think the lifts and making lunches is fine, but he should be packing his own bag and a 15 year old shouldn’t need putting to bed!

Original poster
doorornottodoor · 05/12/2021 09:38

@grafittiartist

I like giving them lifts for that reason- it's a chance to chat. Tricky balance isn't it. Providing but cultivating independence.
That’s exactly it! Maybe I’m being too hard in him. I just find it a bit frustrating and he can be a bit martyrish - oh I can’t do xyz as I’ve to take the boys to school….. No it’s your choice and they are perfectly capable of walking!
OP posts:
Original poster
doorornottodoor · 05/12/2021 09:40

@Theworldisquiethere

YANBU I think the lifts and making lunches is fine, but he should be packing his own bag and a 15 year old shouldn’t need putting to bed!
Yes I probably wouldn’t have got annoyed about the lunches if the comment about bed hadn’t been made!

I’m under a bit of stress at the moment so it really wound me up.

OP posts:
HarassedMother · 05/12/2021 09:40

@Theworldisquiethere

YANBU I think the lifts and making lunches is fine, but he should be packing his own bag and a 15 year old shouldn’t need putting to bed!
I agree with this!

He could essentially move away to Uni in a few years and I think it's important to teach them the skills to be able to live independently.

Original poster
doorornottodoor · 05/12/2021 09:43

@HarassedMother exactly! Although he still has 3.5 years of school left. Admittedly I’m bad as have just picked his laundry up off his floor. He’s away for the day and I just wanted to get on and do the washing. Hypocrite! ConfusedGrin

OP posts:
LindaEllen · 05/12/2021 10:13

YANBU. I moved in with DP and his son when his son was 14, and I was shocked at how little he did for himself (i.e. nothing).

He didn't wash, cook, clean, iron, tidy, or even have a shower or do his homework without prompting. He default setting was gaming, and he wouldn't even come down for food without being yelled at, and the internet had to be switched off to get him to go to bed.

Over the four years I lived with him before he left to university I tried to change things, and he left for uni having had a part time job over the summer, doing his own washing and making some of his own meals. Still a long way to go but better than it was.

DP had seriously overcompensated for the fact DSS's mum walked out of them and went AWOL for six years. I absolutely understand why he did what he did for DSS, he wanted to look after him, and he totally did that.

But it is true - you don't have kids to wait on them hand and foot. Your job as a part is to raise your kids to be independent, and they should be able - by the age of 16 - to start considering the possibility that sometime soon they will successfully live alone, whether that's at uni or in their own place.

Kbyodjs · 05/12/2021 10:19

I think the lifts thing is quite nice especially as I think you get the most from that age as they come out of school and tell you about their day. By an hour later everything is gone from their minds.
I do think in other areas they need to be independent though like making light snacks, getting themselves ready etc (can’t believe he’d pack their bags, I’m got both primary and secondary school age and my primary age child checks that she has her water bottle and snack)

peboh · 05/12/2021 10:48

Yanbu. My mil did everything for my dh.
Cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. When we moved in together he didn't know how to anything, because his mum just wouldn't let him because she felt like as his mum and the woman in the house everything like that was her job. It was honestly the hardest thing in our relationship, because he expected me to do the same and that was a big fat no.
It's taken 7 years and we still have ways to go on getting him to pick up the slack, but I essentially had to re train him and his thought process. Don't let your children be that.

rainyskylight · 05/12/2021 10:56

If a 15 year old complains of being tired because he’s been up too late then the correct response is “well you should have gone to bed earlier - you’ll know better for next time”. And leave it at that.

lljkk · 05/12/2021 11:25

Good relationships with teenagers are golden and not 'normal'. If he's found a way to forge good relationships that you might disrupt merely to foster independence, I find YABVU.

Original poster
doorornottodoor · 05/12/2021 11:32

@lljkk

Good relationships with teenagers are golden and not 'normal'. If he's found a way to forge good relationships that you might disrupt merely to foster independence, I find YABVU.
A fair point. I think we’re just refinding our roles as his work is winding down.
OP posts:
thickthighs73 · 05/12/2021 11:35

@sst1234

Is this a serious thread? Or is it satire to complement the ones where women complain about the husband doing nothing around the house, spending no time with the children.
That was my first thoughts
thickthighs73 · 05/12/2021 11:35

YABU

Original poster
doorornottodoor · 05/12/2021 11:43

@thickthighs73 thanks for your helpful input.Grin

OP posts:
WorriedGiraffe · 05/12/2021 11:48

Making his lunch for a big day is just nice, lifts to school is nice too, it can be hard to get teenagers to chat! His comment about being late to bed sounds annoying but sending a 15 year old to bed when they have something huge on the next day is just normal parenting really! Apologising for not doing it is taking it too far though. It’s not that you did anything wrong but his opinion isn’t wrong either I don’t think. He sounds like a nice guy though, maybe let him no how you feel and see what he says. Maybe you can work together to encourage more independence.

Severntrent · 05/12/2021 11:50

I understand why you're a bit annoyed. I think picking up and dropping off from school is ott. And the bag packing. It's not getting them ready for being more independent at uni or wherever. It's doing them a disservice as they won't have the skills to get themselves organised. And giving them the wrong message that it's ok for others to run around after them.
But at the same time I really get the comment about having a chat in the car. That is priceless.
Maybe a happy medium, with them getting their bags ready (to be checked at first!) but carrying on with lifts if it is the best way to foster chats etc.

WorraLiberty · 05/12/2021 11:55

YANBU, it's nice to do these things sometimes (of course it is) but today's favour can become tomorrow's obligation, and that in turn can make for some very entitled teens/adults.

The lift thing is nice but he doesn't have to take them there and home. Well not if he values their independence.

Doona · 05/12/2021 11:55

Yabvu imo. It sounds like he's doing a good job! If you want to foster the kids' independence, there's heaps you can set up without undermining him.

WorraLiberty · 05/12/2021 11:57

And the bed thing is just pathetic tbh.

What did your son say when he apologised? If it wasn't something along the lines of, "What?? How is that your fault?" then something definitely needs to change.

HighlandPony · 05/12/2021 11:58

I’m going to say something that’s going to sound horrible but it’s not meant that way. Your husband is setting them up to fail. He needs to stop. It’s not cute and it’s not funny and actually is a lot more serious than you think. My brother in law is this way. He’s the baby and was treated like an infant his entire life. I’m old enough to be his mum and I’ve been with his brother since before he was conceived. He’s attempted to kill himself three times. He’s currently living back home with his parents after his second failed attempt at living and studying independently at uni. He’s a walking target for ridicule by his peers, he’s failing his coursework because his life was micromanaged by my smother in law. He’s repeating his second year at uni. Your sons fifteen so you’re have two or three years to get him ready to enter the adult world on even footing.