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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed by this?

35 replies

doorornottodoor · 05/12/2021 09:24

My husband is working from home and does (what feels like) everything for our teenagers. I work out of the house.

There seems to be no plan to try and encourage independence. One of them plays sport to a high level. He’s (just turned) 15 and I’ve just got annoyed at my husband for making his packed lunch for his international trials day. Training is in difficult to get to places by public transport and do they get a lift to that, fair enough.

I did put my foot down at bags being packed! But also he gives them a lift to school when school only a mile away and back home. He’s admitted it’s because he likes to chat to them in the car as the oldest isn’t normally very chatty, so I suppose fair enough. I understand that.

We just had a row because I caught him apologising to my son for us not getting him to bed early enough so he’s now tired for his trials today (my husband was out and I only got my son to turn off at 11.30). Felt like a dig at me which annoyed me.

He is our youngest so we do baby him a bit.

Anyway, this has only started since the pandemic as my husband was away a lot before. Work is quiet and he is someone that likes to care for others. But I feel he does it for himself in a way.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Idontevenknow · 05/12/2021 12:01

I think YABU, I think its great to teach independence, but the day of international trials is not it.
Also my child also playa a competitive sport, but teenagers have little common sense sometimes, I also remind them to go to bed early to ensure a good night's sleep

WorraLiberty · 05/12/2021 12:04

@Idontevenknow

I think YABU, I think its great to teach independence, but the day of international trials is not it. Also my child also playa a competitive sport, but teenagers have little common sense sometimes, I also remind them to go to bed early to ensure a good night's sleep
but teenagers have little common sense sometimes, I also remind them to go to bed early to ensure a good night's sleep

They learn (as we all do) by making their own mistakes.

It's one way to develop common sense.

Lasair · 05/12/2021 12:27

Let the man love his children.

Luredbyapomegranate · 05/12/2021 12:50

You are being very unreasonable indeed to interfere with your husband’s parenting. Wind your neck in. Now. It’s up to him how he parents - you are not the boss of him, and how he hasn’t told you to bog off I don’t know.

I don’t like helicopter parenting either. But ultimately what matters is kids get love and attention the rest is window dressing.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/12/2021 13:04

Bag packing and going to bed a 15 year old should be automatically doing. A lift to and from school is lovely, presumably he is perfectly capable of getting himself there if he needs to.

Same with cooking, cleaning etc, I taught mine how to, but in reality I did it as I was doing everyones. Nowhere other than on MN do I know people that only do their own things, whilst the kids do theirs. Mainly the kids will do stuff if asked or in the case of laundry if they want something specific at a specific time

neverbeenskiing · 05/12/2021 13:08

Let the man love his children.

What a ridiculous thing to say. OP is not criticising her DH for being a loving Father! But she recognises that an important part of parenthood is preparing teenagers for adult life. If her teenagers have gone backwards in terms of their independence since her DH has been WFH then that needs to be addressed. It is possible to be loving, caring and supportive while still promoting an age-appropriate level of independence. Parents who fail to do this are making life more difficult for their DC in the long run. I work with teenagers and over the last few years I have definitely seen a significant increase in 15-17 year olds who lack resilience and are completely reliant on adults to fix all their problems. Friends who work with University students have observed the same. I'm sure it's done with the best of intentions, but ultimately it does young people a disservice and is more about the parents need to be needed than what's best for the child.

Hawkins001 · 05/12/2021 13:13

@doorornottodoor

My husband is working from home and does (what feels like) everything for our teenagers. I work out of the house.

There seems to be no plan to try and encourage independence. One of them plays sport to a high level. He’s (just turned) 15 and I’ve just got annoyed at my husband for making his packed lunch for his international trials day. Training is in difficult to get to places by public transport and do they get a lift to that, fair enough.

I did put my foot down at bags being packed! But also he gives them a lift to school when school only a mile away and back home. He’s admitted it’s because he likes to chat to them in the car as the oldest isn’t normally very chatty, so I suppose fair enough. I understand that.

We just had a row because I caught him apologising to my son for us not getting him to bed early enough so he’s now tired for his trials today (my husband was out and I only got my son to turn off at 11.30). Felt like a dig at me which annoyed me.

He is our youngest so we do baby him a bit.

Anyway, this has only started since the pandemic as my husband was away a lot before. Work is quiet and he is someone that likes to care for others. But I feel he does it for himself in a way.

AIBU?

From the usual threads that appear about parenting, id would be happy if the other half was involved to this level.
neverbeenskiing · 05/12/2021 13:15

Wind your neck in. Now. It’s up to him how he parents - you are not the boss of him, and how he hasn’t told you to bog off I don’t know.

So OP is unreasonable to want any kind of say in the parenting of her own DC? I find this attitude really strange. DH and I consider ourselves a team when it comes to parenting. Isn't that normal in most families? So if there is a difference of opinion about how something should be handled we talk about it and try to come to some sort of shared understanding. If I expressed concern that we weren't doing enough to encourage independence in our DC and his response was "Wind your neck in, now! You're not the boss of me" I would be worried that I'd married an obnoxious man-child.

Idontevenknow · 05/12/2021 13:18

@WorraLiberty yes but as I said I don't think the night before an international trial is the time to make a point.

IncompleteSenten · 05/12/2021 13:21

Boys being babied like this turn into the men that are the subject of so many threads on here from women who are sick to death of their partner being bloody useless.

Your husband does your son no favours here by treating him like this.

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