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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Whoever is awake please talk me down, so angry right now!

29 replies

SENmummy73848 · 05/12/2021 00:58

Was on the phone to ex disagreeing over some contact arrangements this weekend - his partner chimes in and starts going full blown saying that she is going to take my daughter away from me, and do a better job of raising her because I’m a shit mother.

Firstly - my ex is a part time parent at best, I single handedly raise my autistic child on my own with very little help or support whilst having health issues of my own.

Secondly - she’s met my child twice and has nothing to do with her.

Thirdly - she’s never watched me parent my child, so is one to talk about me apparently being so shit.

I am so angry, especially because I’ve had a difficult start to parenthood (lost my first baby through stillbirth, had an incredibly stressful pregnancy with DD and couldn’t bond with her for the first 2 years because I was scared of losing her too) and for anyone to use my daughter against me like a weapon like that is hurtful but to hear it from her especially touched a nerve.

I can’t sleep because I am so pissed off it keeps just running round my head

OP posts:

Burnamer · 05/12/2021 00:59

Just ignore. From what you’ve said she can’t possibly follow through so does it matter what she says?

ShineySparkleyChrissmassy · 05/12/2021 01:05

Nice people tend to have nice friends and shit people tend to have shit friends IME. Your partner isn't all that is he? So it shouldn't come as a surprise that those he hangs around with aren't all that either. She's the kind of person who has no control over herself. All you can do with people like that is ignore them. They're like toddlers in a grown-ups body.

Rainbowqueeen · 05/12/2021 01:08

He’s clearly sold her on the “I’m a great dad and my ex is a crazy bitch who spends all the maintenance on her nails and going out”

All you can do is ignore and be thankful you have moved on and can see him for what he is. I’d also consider changing the method of communication between you and ex. Insist on everything being in writing. Either email or text - whatever works best for you. Then you have evidence of all the times he has messed you around - my spidey senses say he was trying to do a last minute change that was likely to cause a meltdown in DD and you were trying to stop it

Take some deep breaths and carry on being the great mum you are

Youreastar · 05/12/2021 01:08

Agree just ignore. Nobody can ever take your place and she knows it too. Choose to spend your energy on yourself and your daughter not people who don't deserve it.
Wishing you a peaceful night

MrsTimRiggins · 05/12/2021 01:08

How embarrassing of her, to have such strong opinions on a situation she should realise that she knows nothing about… only she clearly hasn’t the brains or the level of common sense needed to consider there may be more to a situation than that which her partner has told her.
I’m sorry for your troubles in the past, but you sound like you’re doing a great job, raising your child in difficult circumstances. You don’t need that clowns approval.

KloppsTeeth · 05/12/2021 01:09

Don’t let them occupy space in your head. She is clearly full of anger, don’t let her pass that on.
You can’t change what she said, but you can change and control your reaction to it. It is seriously unlikely that what she is threatening will happen. It is really hard but allow yourself ten minutes of being pissed off and then put it out of your mind. These things get said sometimes to really wind us up, don’t let her have that power over you. Get some sleep and if it still bothers you tomorrow, allow ten minutes of worry and anger then get on with your day.

prettydesertflower · 05/12/2021 01:10

Please ignore her. She I clearly trying to wind you up. She sounds like someone who would get pleasure from upsetting you. Don’t feed this silliness. Create a mental boundary and keep here firmly on the other side.

Yellowshirt · 05/12/2021 01:11

Don't answer the phone to him again. My ex wife can't contact me at all now as I had enough of her crap and lies and just blocked her.

FabriqueBelgique · 05/12/2021 01:14

I know it’s hard not to take comments on motherhood to heart but as an outsider I would say her behaviour is immature and eye-roll worthy. Hopefully that gives you some perspective.

TurquoiseBaubles · 05/12/2021 01:16

Twist it around in your head and feel sorry for her.

Firstly your son is your son and will never be hers. Secondly she isn't a nice person. Thirdly (and most importantly) she is with your ex, who presumably is an ex for a reason. You are well out of being with him, and she is welcome to him.

Use this as a path to rearrange your dealings with him. Don't talk on the phone, get everything done by text, or preferably email. It's nothing to do with her, she is a complete nothing in your life, irrelevant, and ignorable.

I doubt very much you are a shit mother - if you were, your ex would have to step up a lot more than he is currently doing. The fact that she thinks you are shows how ignorant she is.

Ellen888 · 05/12/2021 01:48

What was the disagreement about?

I would make a note of what was said (and any other conversations when he was being 'difficult').

Stop talking to him and use e-mail or text - so you have a record of what's been said.

Tell him that if he won't co-operate you'll look into using a Contact Centre. (Citizens Advice will help you with that)

If your DD is 5 years old or younger you can get advice from your Health Visitor.

HTH

wobblywinelover · 05/12/2021 01:57

She's being a complete twat and trying to hurt you by attacking your motherhood skills, probably also to score points with your ex. See it for what it is, a pathetic attempt and trying to undermine you because she can't handle the fact she's the new woman. All rather predictable i've had it myself. Angry as you might feel (understandable) best thing is to rise above and ignore (she's being pathetic). Keep doing the great job you are doing and don't let them get to you, don't lose sleep over this it's exactly what she wants. Sounds like your ex has scraped the bottom of the barrel with this one, any woman who makes some shitty dig at their exes partner without good reason is totally insecure. don't let it get to you

CherryBlossomAutumn · 05/12/2021 01:59

You need to go onto email contact only. If he phones, just text back saying sorry not available could you email it’s less emotional for me.

She’s being awful but push her to the background, it’s between you and your Ex only. No one else.

Nasturs · 05/12/2021 02:17

Tell him that if he won't co-operate you'll look into using a Contact Centre

what?

Gingerkittykat · 05/12/2021 02:21

I'm angry on your behalf.

Do you have formal contact arrangements? Having everything written down formally could make a big difference here.

Otherwise you need to have minimum contact with your idiot ex, stick to communication about contact only.

How long have you been apart and has it been high conflict up until now?

Werehamster · 05/12/2021 02:22

He’s clearly sold her on the “I’m a great dad and my ex is a crazy bitch who spends all the maintenance on her nails and going out”

I agree with this!

I also agree with no more phone calls. All contact needs to be made through email.

SimpsonsXmasBoogie · 05/12/2021 02:27

She's a moron. I'm sure her and your ex will be very happy together

I would just take a few deep breaths, thank your lucky stars that you are no longer with this loser, and have a bit of sympathy for this poor, gullible cow who has ended up with him. They deserve each other.

No more phone calls. He clearly can't be trusted to have an adult conversation. Any contact can be through email. Strictly business and evidence of everything.

Mondy · 05/12/2021 02:28

If you let her into your head she's won. Some people are just arseholes. Don't give her any more head space.

Laserbird16 · 05/12/2021 02:29

When they go low, you go high.

Email/text contact only from now on l and keep it professional like work (unfortunately this is emotional work).

Your ex's new partner is either being sold a shaggy dog story and/or is a hideous human. You know you love your DD and you're the one there everyday doing the work. What she says will never make that untrue

Redsquirrel5 · 05/12/2021 02:33

I’m not surprised you feel angry. Write down what has been said and keep note of it. It shows how immature she is if she has never seen you parent. It is easy to say but not to do. I imagine she isn’t a parent and lots of people that aren’t can have very strong opinion of “how to”.
Being a parent day after day is hard work.

So sorry for the loss of your first child that must have been devastating for you.
Try not to react but keep your cool don’t shout back at her but keep silent. She is goading you so don’t rise to it.
I hope you can get some sleep. The email idea is a good one. Keep yours matter of fact so there is never anything to use against you. Contact a Family might be useful to give you some support or see if there is a local Autism group.

Turquoisebaubles please read posts carefully. Op has a daughter not a son.

Ciaobaby92 · 05/12/2021 02:36

I would also be furious. But remember, she wants you to react, and she wants you to be angry. Dont give her what she wants OP. Put her (and him actually) on grey rock status from here on out.

Ellen888 · 05/12/2021 02:41

@Nasturs

Tell him that if he won't co-operate you'll look into using a Contact Centre

what?

naccc.org.uk/

GAHgamel · 05/12/2021 02:42

She knew exactly which button to press, and she pressed it good and hard. I know it's easier said than done, but don't give her the satisfaction of getting a rise out of you. There is no way in the world she can take your kid away from you - if your ex is a semi-detached part of your kid's life, she's barely a garage (to mix my metaphors horribly). Just concentrate on doing the best you can for your kid and remember that her opinion doesn't matter in the slightest.

DysmalRadius · 05/12/2021 02:42

One of the best pieces of advice I've ever seen is 'don't accept criticism from anyone that you wouldn't take advice from'. She's nothing to you and has no idea - if you let her opinion matter to you, you are giving her thought credit that they absolutely do not deserve.

PurpleSapphire · 05/12/2021 03:04

It might not actually be her. I had the same years ago. My ex was rubbish with contact and during a frustrated phonecall his new partner kicked up a fuss.
Some time later we became friends and it turned out his parents (who had always hated me for absolutely no reason) had been putting the boot in, saying I didn't look after ds properly, sent him to their house with no nappies etc. Lots of things, all lies of course, they were simply trying to stir things between us.
So although she's clearly out of order, you dont know what lies she may have been told about you, and the truth will come out in the end if that helps at all.

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