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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I allowed to organise a babysitter?

47 replies

scorpiogirly · 04/12/2021 23:33

Have NC for this.

It was my works Christmas do on Friday (yesterday). I have a 3.5 yr old with my ex. We split up 3.5 years ago.

My ex seems our child on weekends, every weekend, both days from the morning until the night. He wants to be the ONLY one to babysit if I ever go out, which is very rare. As the do started at 2pm, I asked him weeks ago if he could have our child, he agreed and was going to either finish work early or take the day off. We had a falling out at the end of October, which I won’t get into here, and he said that he was no longer going to take time off for me to go out. I said this was fine and I would arrange something else. He kicked off and said that his family would look after her until he finished work, then he would collect her. I said it was fine, and that my friend of 25 years who is more like a sister to me will have her.

Nothing else was mentioned. On Friday afternoon I got a text from my ex asking if it was my works do that day. I replied and said that it was and I was currently there. The abuse started straight away, him asking basically what was I playing at, I had no right without consulting him, I assured him she was safe and being well looked after. For the rest of the afternoon and evening, I had a barrage of abusing texts, calling me a rat, selfish, this that and the other. He was ringing me constantly, I had over 100 missed calls. My manager even offered to answer for me at one point when I told her what was happening. He even threatened to call the police on me.

Then I spotted him in the pub we were at. He knew where we were going and he came looking for me. Luckily he didn’t see me as I can’t imagine how embarrassing it would have been.

Today I have received nothing but abuse from him for the stunt I pulled yesterday.

Am I in the wrong here?

OP posts:
Original poster
scorpiogirly · 04/12/2021 23:35

Also the days he sees her are Saturday and Sunday. Not a Friday so I didn’t rob him of a day.

OP posts:
LawnFever · 04/12/2021 23:35

He’s insane, of course you can arrange child care for your own child.

SnugKnights · 04/12/2021 23:38

He’s got no right to dictate who you arrange to look after your daughter when she’s in your care. His behaviour is harassment surely, I’d be telling him if he tries any stunt like that again you’ll be ringing the police yourself!

Pixiedust1234 · 04/12/2021 23:39

Its harassment. Go log it all with the police and show them his texts and missed calls etc. Don't leave it as this will only escalate and right now you have witnesses to his intimidation. Of course you have the right to organise childcare!

ThinWomansBrain · 04/12/2021 23:39

controlling twat - or attempting to be

Babyvenusplant · 04/12/2021 23:41

That deserves reporting imo, especially him turning up at your venue looking for you.

Patapouf · 04/12/2021 23:44

You need to get a proper formal contact arrangement. Don't pander to his weird requests, he can't control what you do for childcare.

ChemistryBoggle · 04/12/2021 23:46

Yes you can.

I would also look at the arrangements going forward as when you're child is school age you will never get any downtime with them.

MarmitesMyMate · 04/12/2021 23:48

No he can't dictate who you get to look after your dc in your time. Just as you can't with him. Not that I'm saying you would. If he asks any other questions ignore.
Let him Take you to court if need be because he won't get anywhere

Kite22 · 04/12/2021 23:49

What SnugKnights, Pixiedust1234 , Babyvenusplant have all said.
You should 100% log that level of harassment. It is NOT normal behaviour. The police won't be able to do a lot about this one incident, but get it logged as it is going to turn into a pattern of behaviour (if it isn't already a pattern you haven't mentioned).

As LawnFever said, of course you can arrange your own childcare. If it not his decision on your days (as indeed, it wouldn't be you decision on his days).

Original poster
scorpiogirly · 04/12/2021 23:49

@ChemistryBoggle

Yes you can.

I would also look at the arrangements going forward as when you're child is school age you will never get any downtime with them.

This is what worries me. After last night he is threatening to take me to court. I told him that he would probably get less time than he does now, and it would probably be every other weekend. He doesn’t think this is the case. But she will be in school soon, he works full time, I went part time when I had her so he will not be able to have her during the week and I don’t think it would be fair for him to have her every weekend as that would leave no time for me to do anything with her.
OP posts:
Monty27 · 04/12/2021 23:49

That's worrying behaviour. As if he's a control freak. You can't accept it. Take it further through media or a court order. It'd cost a bit. But hopefully it won't go that far. He needs putting in his place though

Monty27 · 04/12/2021 23:51

*media - I mean MEDIATION

Original poster
scorpiogirly · 04/12/2021 23:54

I have spoke to the police before for advice, sorry I should have mentioned this. He had a habit of arguing with me in front of our daughter and refusing to leave my house when I asked him to. They took it quite seriously and wanted to speak to him. I begged them not to so they did eventually leave it, then the police turned up at my house to check on me. He has never been violent and I didn’t tell them anything particularly bad about him. Again this evening time was getting on and I asked him to leave. He was saying it was out of the blue, accused me of arranging for someone to come over, and even brought our daughter into it saying to her he didn’t want to go and that it was out of the blue.

OP posts:
Halloaten · 04/12/2021 23:58

You need to go out more and leave dd with a babysitter. Not his business

Beachgirl33 · 05/12/2021 00:00

That sounds awful but why are you allowing him in your home and why is he not blocked? Only communicate with him about your daughter. Nothing else. Don’t let him enter your home or your life. He sounds vile. Good luck

Topseyt · 05/12/2021 00:08

Why is he being allowed into your home? Keep him out.

Topseyt · 05/12/2021 00:09

And block him on your phone and all social media.

BeardieWeirdie · 05/12/2021 00:11

He’s deranged. Why are you minimising his behaviour to the police? Don’t let him into your house ever again or ask him for any favours. Report all harassment to the police and reassess your contact through the courts.

DukkaTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 05/12/2021 00:17

Are you the same poster whose thread I’ve just read, who’s ex doesn’t like your new bf and is being abusive towards you both?

You need to make some clear boundaries and stick to them, minimal contact, don’t let him in your home.

Aimee1987 · 05/12/2021 00:18

What everyone else has said. 100% log this with police and start thinking about how school time contact will work

DukkaTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 05/12/2021 00:23

You need to stop protecting him and minimising his behaviour. Talk to the police, you need things on record.

Original poster
scorpiogirly · 05/12/2021 11:09

@DukkaTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly

Are you the same poster whose thread I’ve just read, who’s ex doesn’t like your new bf and is being abusive towards you both?

You need to make some clear boundaries and stick to them, minimal contact, don’t let him in your home.

Yes that is me unfortunately.
OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 05/12/2021 11:16

I have spoke to the police before for advice, sorry I should have mentioned this. He had a habit of arguing with me in front of our daughter and refusing to leave my house when I asked him to. They took it quite seriously and wanted to speak to him. I begged them not to so they did eventually leave it,

What was the point of this? Why talk to the police if you don’t want intervention? I honestly don’t get stuff like this.

Lasair · 05/12/2021 11:16

Why not take him to court? You have text message evidence of abuse from him. Ask for a court order set days and just keep contact to a min and only about your daughter. Never ask him to babysit ever again.

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