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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I allowed to organise a babysitter?

47 replies

scorpiogirly · 04/12/2021 23:33

Have NC for this.

It was my works Christmas do on Friday (yesterday). I have a 3.5 yr old with my ex. We split up 3.5 years ago.

My ex seems our child on weekends, every weekend, both days from the morning until the night. He wants to be the ONLY one to babysit if I ever go out, which is very rare. As the do started at 2pm, I asked him weeks ago if he could have our child, he agreed and was going to either finish work early or take the day off. We had a falling out at the end of October, which I won’t get into here, and he said that he was no longer going to take time off for me to go out. I said this was fine and I would arrange something else. He kicked off and said that his family would look after her until he finished work, then he would collect her. I said it was fine, and that my friend of 25 years who is more like a sister to me will have her.

Nothing else was mentioned. On Friday afternoon I got a text from my ex asking if it was my works do that day. I replied and said that it was and I was currently there. The abuse started straight away, him asking basically what was I playing at, I had no right without consulting him, I assured him she was safe and being well looked after. For the rest of the afternoon and evening, I had a barrage of abusing texts, calling me a rat, selfish, this that and the other. He was ringing me constantly, I had over 100 missed calls. My manager even offered to answer for me at one point when I told her what was happening. He even threatened to call the police on me.

Then I spotted him in the pub we were at. He knew where we were going and he came looking for me. Luckily he didn’t see me as I can’t imagine how embarrassing it would have been.

Today I have received nothing but abuse from him for the stunt I pulled yesterday.

Am I in the wrong here?

OP posts:

Kbyodjs · 05/12/2021 11:24

I would pull back the control a bit here; when you have your DD you can organise whoever you deem safe to look after her and by him saying it can only be him he also then knows exactly when you’re going out and can control it. If he texts you to ask if you’re out then you don’t need to reply and you can just block him for the evening so he can’t spoil your night.
I’d seriously think about a court order for when she goes to school and start it about 6 months before otherwise you’ll end up with no time with her.
When he texts and calls you don’t have to always reply

SarahProblem · 05/12/2021 11:41

Why did you beg the police not to speak to him OP?

Record everything. Keep every text and do not allow him the opportunity to come in the house, know your comings and goings or childcare arrangements. It'll drive him mad and likely evidence further controlling behaviour but stick to your guns even if he changes his behaviour keep him at a distance.

DukkaTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 05/12/2021 11:53

You need to stop allowing him to see your DD at your house. Take back the control.

Shedmistress · 05/12/2021 11:57

You need to let the police talk to him as it establishes a record for when he tries to take you to court.

It's like you go halfway and then back out each time.

You knew he would kick off so why did you even answer when he asked if it was your do? Just ignore him in future - or block him and set up a specific email address for him only and then just read it once a week and respond in one email back, copied to yourself.

Duxiejhrhrvjz · 05/12/2021 12:00

@Pixiedust1234

Its harassment. Go log it all with the police and show them his texts and missed calls etc. Don't leave it as this will only escalate and right now you have witnesses to his intimidation. Of course you have the right to organise childcare!

THIS!

BananaBlue · 05/12/2021 12:06

He didn’t mention it from Oct but remembered to contact you yesterday and ask?

He is (trying to?) controlling you.

You’ve done nothing wrong.

Triffid1 · 05/12/2021 12:08

He's done a good job of convincing you that he should be in control at all times, even when he's not there and not actually in a relationship with you.

Of course you were not being unreasonable. But now you need to know that and step back. stop letting him into your house. Ignore any requests for information about what you are doing while you have your DD. Does he currently see DD at your house? That needs to stop if so. Does he pay child maintenance and does he pay at a level that is fair and required?

Let him take you to court if he wants - then you can get court ordered agreements in place re timing and costs and you will have even more reason to ignore him outside of those times.

AnotherOneWithNoGoodName · 05/12/2021 12:11

@Patapouf

You need to get a proper formal contact arrangement. Don't pander to his weird requests, he can't control what you do for childcare.

Agree. If it's not a formal arrangement, make it one. He was the unreasonable one here.

WaitingForSanity · 05/12/2021 12:23

You need to keep all of those messages and log the phone calls. Screen shot the times he's called. When you see 100 missed calls - screenshot it. Save any voicemails.

He sounds incredibly controlling and the fact he's responded like that to you going out is just appalling and abusive.
He wasn't wanting to take care of his own child because he saw it as him 'letting you go out'. He sounds horrific. I'd be really worried of him being around your DC.

DifferentHair · 05/12/2021 12:23

Get a proper contact arrangement in place.

This 'first refusal' for babysitting demand is extremely controlling and unreasonable.

Controlling people want it because it gives them entry into your private life, your time with her child, it can stop you going out and living your own life because you'd have to deal with them each time .

Co parents who have a good relationship might ask each other first if they need childcare, but the rule of thumb is that it has no business being in a court order or formal agreement.

He is dreaming if he thinks he can get every weekend with a school aged child.

Please her legal advice. Please engage with the police. Your situation is concerning, he sounds very abusive and controlling.

custardbear · 05/12/2021 12:27

I'd report to the police too, harassment doesn't sound good if he wants to abuse you and threaten if you don't do what he tells you. Next time temp block and enjoy your night out - he's purposefully spoilt it for you because he's a vindictive arsehole

AbsolutelyFabulousDarling · 05/12/2021 12:36

Report him again

Willyoujustbequiet · 05/12/2021 12:41

Yabu to put up with this behaviour.

Report him to the police and apply for a non molestation order. Get a formal child arrangement in place and block him.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 05/12/2021 12:49

Sadly you allow him way too much invasion into your lives...

Sciurus83 · 05/12/2021 12:57

POLICE, COURTS. You are giving him way too much entry into your life, of course you are not being unreasonable he is abusing and trying to control you. His behaviour is atrocious and you need to get this sorted now before she goes to school. You are going to have to fight him, he isn't going to let you go and come to a reasonable arrangement with you. Get ready now , start logging his behaviour with the police there is clearly already a record and take the help they want to give.

LuaDipa · 05/12/2021 13:15

That sound awful. I think you need to involve the police and stop telling him what you are doing. He’s only using it to control you. In your time, you arrange the childcare. In his time, he’s free to do the same. I also agree that you should move to every other weekend only to ensure that you have quality time with your child.

You need help to deal with him as his behaviour is escalating. Please don’t let this go.

timeisnotaline · 05/12/2021 13:22

Tell Police, tell him he has the right to take you to court at any time, he doesn’t have the right to abuse you, you will temporarily block his number while you are out if he does that again, don’t let him set foot inside your house ever again.

timeisnotaline · 05/12/2021 13:22

Oh and hire a babysitter whenever the fuck you want to.

luverlybubberly · 05/12/2021 13:24

He's wrong. You can use whatever childcare you'd like. He can only object if you use someone who has a criminal record and not allowed near kids or something. Similarly he can use whatever childcare he wants during his time. Next time don't ask and just hire childcare. He doesn't need to know

Chloemol · 05/12/2021 13:33

He is being very unreasonable of course you can arrange a babysitter

Let him take you to court. They will see just how controlling he is still trying to be and he will be made to look stupid

And yes they may reduce time

WeAllHaveWings · 05/12/2021 13:41

Do what is best for you and your dd. Court arranged access EOW and not in your home.

It is best for your dd not to see him manipulate and control you. He picks her up from yours at the front door and doesn't get to come in. He sticks to the court arranged pick up and drop off times.

Any harassment or abuse report.

It is too far beyond the point where you can co-parent amicably. Start taking control back. Show your dd you will not let men control you.

Starlightstarbright1 · 05/12/2021 13:54

Like others said this needs reporting to the police. You then need to let them do their job.

If he does try the court route you have evidence.

Once dd starts school no he should not have every weekend anyway.

He is no longer able to set foot on your door.

Don't discuss your life with him.

Only discussions relating to dd.

Also you could put your phone on silent block him but put an overide on who is caring for Dd. Or buy a cheap ohone specifically for him you can turn it off or leave it homebwhen suits you.

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