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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In laws making no effort

31 replies

mumof2littlemonkeysx · 04/12/2021 21:04

Hello just wondering if anyone else is in this situation? My in laws expect us to go see them
They never come to our house and they don't message during the week to ask how my children are ? We got sick of it and stopped going and they haven't seen my children in 3 weeks ( they live 5 minutes away ) I don't feel it's my sole responsibility to make sure my children have a relationship with their grandparents I feel it should be 50/50. they were happy to visit when my children were babies my children are 3 and 1 now I guess the novelty of a new baby has wore of!

OP posts:

PinkKecks · 04/12/2021 21:10

Do you invite them to your house or are you wanting them to pop in unannounced?

Noodledoodledoo · 04/12/2021 21:14

My in-laws haven't seen my children since Dec 2017, my FIL saw my son twice in his life, has now passed away, MIL shows no interest. No arguments, no issues, just not interested. They aren't near but not the other end of the country.

My advice - be open to visits, but don't bend over backwards.

Twylar · 04/12/2021 21:14

I do think it is a parents responsibility to maintain a relationship between children and grandparents. Either visit them or invite them around regularly.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 04/12/2021 21:16

We lived 5 mins away. Never saw mil. She has held ds twice. We went nc then moved away. Been 7 years. Ime let your dc's df manage their relationship.. And you can stop stressing.

Thinkbiglittleone · 04/12/2021 21:17

How old are they ?
Do they have any mobility issues? Going upstairs to loo , getting out of your low sofa sort of thing ?

MizzFizz · 04/12/2021 21:18

I call our families both twice a week on video chat (different country) both because I need the support and also to help the relationship. If you could use an extra pair of hands, just invite them around. It's in both of your interests. And stop keeping score.

mrsed1987 · 04/12/2021 21:19

My in laws haven't seen my son in nearly 2 years... They make no effort at all, I've asked a few times about dates to meet up but they weren't forthcoming so I've given up

Thatsplentyjack · 04/12/2021 21:21

Mine live 5 mins away and have seen my youngest a handful ( maybe 4) tines since she was born 10 months ago. I like it that way if I honest.

Frlrlrubert · 04/12/2021 21:21

My mum realised she was always the one chasing her dad to see us, she decided she'd wait for him to call. He died about 15 years later without ever picking up the phone.

I personally would do the same, if they aren't bothered why bother.

Original poster

mumof2littlemonkeysx · 04/12/2021 21:25

@Thinkbiglittleone they are late 40s so no mobility issues at all

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 04/12/2021 21:26

Well, for starters it's not your responsibility at all, you're right. But it is your husbands, who you haven't mentioned as making no effort.
I would hate it if my in laws messaged me every week to find out how my kids are. I'd suggest they ask their son.
What do they say when you invite them to dinner or something?

Bluntness100 · 04/12/2021 21:26

Do you invite them round op?

Original poster

mumof2littlemonkeysx · 04/12/2021 21:28

@PinkKecks we invite them round a lot but they just don't seem to have the time, which they probably don't I understand they are busy and still work but I feel picking up the phone and giving us a call or a wee text to ask how the children are isn't unreasonable but maybe I am being unfair

OP posts:

Thinkbiglittleone · 04/12/2021 21:31

When you say they were happy to visit when the kids were younger, did they do all the visiting then and now they are being petty thinking you should go to them?

I just don't know otherwise.
Just ask them outright, why they are not forthcoming with visiting ?

We always go to my in laws and his family I don't mind as the In laws are a bit older and hate our stairs, and the MIL hated driving one FIL was couldn't,

Original poster

mumof2littlemonkeysx · 04/12/2021 21:32

@Bluntness100 yeah we sure do we invite them out for days out and walks and for dinner but they just decline, I think it's them not calling or asking how the children are that get to me most but then again maybe I need to me more understanding that they are just busy with there life too

OP posts:

HowBad · 04/12/2021 21:36

I think it's up to their son to facilitate a relationship. My in laws are similar, never ask how we are. Makes me feel like they don't care, I've gradually withdrawn and don't speak to them now unless we are meeting up. All because if I don't message them they don't message me, so literally zero messages now. Suits me tbh.

Original poster

mumof2littlemonkeysx · 04/12/2021 21:39

@Thinkbiglittleone no not at all we visited once a week and they popped at least once a week too and we kept in contact regularly. Maybe with covid they want to take a back seat but don't want to tell us and upset us because I know they love my children very much

OP posts:

PinkKecks · 04/12/2021 21:41

I'd keep suggesting things and inviting them over. Some people just aren't good at initiating plans, yes, it's annoying, but that shouldn't be a reason to cut them out of your lives.

IWasHotInTheNineties · 04/12/2021 21:43

Mine are like this.
I give up.
They barely speak to us. I have tried and tried but they aren’t interested. My husband makes 100% of the effort and they don’t give anything back. We tell them good news like when our children do well at school. Nothing. Our daughter was in hospital. Again nothing.

Musmerian · 04/12/2021 21:44

@Twylar

I do think it is a parents responsibility to maintain a relationship between children and grandparents. Either visit them or invite them around regularly.

Why? Surely it’s a two way thing.

Thinkbiglittleone · 04/12/2021 21:45

Hmm, yes if we wouldn't have visited our in laws, they would never have rand or txt, but that's more because they had this notion of not wanting to smother or mither (which I knew they never would)

I think you sound like you have an ok relationship with this aside, so maybe just give them a bit of leeway in case ,as you say, it maybe a anxiety or COVID worry. So maybe meet up on their terms for a bit longer or just try and have a soft discussion about how to even things out a tad.
Don't make it a thing, if otherwise all is ok, IMO.

unname · 04/12/2021 21:46

I hate getting and making calls during the week. My late 40s have been the busiest, tiredest years of my life. Maybe it’s not a slight, but they are just tired.

Original poster

mumof2littlemonkeysx · 04/12/2021 21:52

@unname thank you for your reply, yes I think you could be right, I see that they love my children very much but maybe we were just too much for them at times

OP posts:

NameChange74567 · 04/12/2021 21:55

Some people just aren't interested in seeing their grandchildren. My in laws have only seen my DC a handful of times. MIL lives a 5 minute walk, and FIL about a 15 minute walk. I used to take the DC to visit them until I realised I was they only one making any effort. Dh doesn't take the dc to visit them and they don't visit us, so now they don't see them. They are late 50s and neither of them work, my dc are 6, 2 & 1 so would be much easier for them to come here but they don't.

saraclara · 04/12/2021 21:58

It's a fine line. As a grandparent (who lives alone) I don't want to seem needy. So I'm at pains not to contact my Dfs and their partners any more than they contact me. And whenever I message them or invite them round, I worry that I'm eating into their time, or they feel obliged to come round or have me come round to them.

A lot of that is due to me seeing so many posts on here about PILS or Fps who keep inviting themselves round/staying too long, and who get generally moaned about for being too present or needy. Which is silly of me really because my kids have never given me the impression that they feel that way.

Sometimes I think I should come off mumsnet. My confidence in my role as a parent of adults/grandparent has plummeted, having read all the moaning posts about people in my position. It's hard to do right for doing wrong.

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