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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Playing games

61 replies

WhatamI87 · 04/12/2021 20:32

My partner works full time I'm at the moment on maternity leave. As soon as he finishes work he plays games. It's now the weekend I'm in the living room with our baby and he's playing games Instead of spending time as a family

OP posts:
nimbuscloud · 05/12/2021 12:18

He may feel that you trapped him
It’s clear he has no interest in the relationship
What’s your financial position? Housing?

ArblemarchTFruitbat · 05/12/2021 12:21

@WhatamI87

I always thought he would change but clearly he hasn't. The relationship isn't going well at all. Sex is important I know after a baby things change ie tired etc. But he won't even kiss me. I go to kiss him and he pushes away. He loves the baby no doubt in my mind about that. But I don't see why he don't want to spend time with us
It sounds as though you need to think about your future with him - if you want a partner who's going to play a role in family life, it isn't him. If he hasn't changed now, he's never going to change.

He doesn't want to spend time with you because he'd rather be gaming - it's as simple as that. You could spend ages analysing what that says about him as a person, but it's not going to change the way he is. He was, at least, honest about that from the outset.

The ball is in your court now - you either accept him as he is, or cut your losses and hope to find a more family-orientated partner in the future who will enjoy spending time with you and your DC.

SnappedAndFarted18 · 05/12/2021 12:21

@WhatamI87 reading through your post & updates in all honesty it sounds like it would be a much better & healthier life for yourself & your little one to leave this sorry excuse for a man, ok he didn’t want a baby, he made his feelings clear on that & that’s fair enough however he still I assume was happy to have unprotected sex with you which he knew full well could end in pregnancy at some point so he can’t solely leave the blame at your door !! Going forwards have a long hard think if this is the life you really want & the atmosphere you really want to raise your baby in Smile good luck with whatever you choose to do xx

Original poster
WhatamI87 · 05/12/2021 12:27

Yeah I didn't trap him. He would always say I want to... In you so he knew I could get pregnant. He has no interest in our relationship at all. As I said I'm on maternity leave at the moment. I spend every single minute of my day with my litte one and I wouldnt want it any other way. What happens when I go back to work he will have to spend time with the baby then. We never go out as a family our weekend consists of staying in him watching football then all Saturday evening playing games same on a Sunday

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 05/12/2021 12:29

Why did you think it would be any different to this reality?

He seems to have been really clear about his position.

You need to live independently from him. You are not in a relationship

TidyDancer · 05/12/2021 12:30

You're a single parent already OP, you're just kidding yourself you're in a relationship. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it's the reality of what you're dealing with. He's told you who he is, he's then shown you who he is, now you need to believe it.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 05/12/2021 12:32

What happens when I go back to work he will have to spend time with the baby then.

I'm sorry OP but I'd put money on him leaving you and the baby and you being left on your own with the baby, working full time or he won't look after the baby and you'll continue doing what you are now (which is everything) plus working.

He's not going to suddenly step up when you go back to work.

ArblemarchTFruitbat · 05/12/2021 12:35

He would always say I want to... In you so he knew I could get pregnant.

He's clearly a grade A idiot - the more you say about him, the more it sounds like you'd be better off without him.

Dishwashersaurous · 05/12/2021 12:41

OK. The update shows that you are both stupidly naive. Why on earth did you agree to unprotected sex with someone who didn't want a baby?

Just move out and accept your reality. Own the choices that you made and live with them

MaskingForIt · 05/12/2021 12:42

What happens when I go back to work he will have to spend time with the baby then.

What will happen is that he’ll carry on playing games and your baby will be left hungry, in a dirty nappy, and chewing through power cords. If we’ve learnt anything over the last few days it’s that people who don’t want children shouldn’t be left to care for them. Don’t leave your child with this loser.

Returnoftheowl · 05/12/2021 12:47

@MaskingForIt

What happens when I go back to work he will have to spend time with the baby then.

What will happen is that he’ll carry on playing games and your baby will be left hungry, in a dirty nappy, and chewing through power cords. If we’ve learnt anything over the last few days it’s that people who don’t want children shouldn’t be left to care for them. Don’t leave your child with this loser.

I agree completely with this. Why would you going back to work make him more engaged in family life?

He's told you he's not interested, he's shown you he's not interested. He's not giving off mixed signals... He's giving off one clear signal - he's not interested in you or the baby.

Dishwashersaurous · 05/12/2021 12:48

Why on earth are you considering leaving him in sole care?

You will have to use childcare

RicherThanYew · 05/12/2021 12:51

The excuses being made for your asshole partner are disgusting, yes you both failed to use contraception but the responsibility for that is both of yours and you didn't start this thread asking for a kicking about your life choices. It's not as though you can turn back bloody time Angry

You know you are not happy, you know he will not change for the better and if anything he will get worse. I would recommend finding out what benefits you are entitled to as a single parent to top up your wage if necessary when you return to work because it's time to leave. This situation is no longer about how your DP treats you and your baby but about how you allow him to treat you from now on.

icedcoffees · 05/12/2021 12:59

The gaming is the least of your problems.

He's not interested in being a parent - he's been honest with you about that from beginning. Yes, he should have used contraception, but you're just as responsible for that as he is.

You continued to have unprotected sex with a man who told you he didn't want a baby and who told you he wasn't going to change his behaviour or hobbies.

At some point, you have to take some responsibility for your actions. He's a shit dad because he never wanted to be a dad and unfortunately, you can't force him to want to be a dad. Leave and build a better life for you and your baby, but don't expect him to be involved.

Hawkins001 · 05/12/2021 13:02

All the best op

Itsalmostanaccessory · 05/12/2021 13:23

Your a grown, adult woman. And you happily had unprotected sex?
You have so so many options for contraception which have nothing to do with him. Why would allow yourself to get pregnant with a man so wholely unsuitable as a life partner and parent?

I'm so fed up of woman just "accidentally" falling pregnant because they didnt take a single contraceptive and had sex. And then they end up in your situation with a dickhead loser and their life is going to be a hundred time harder.

You're an adult. What were you thinking?

The horrible fact is that men can and do walk off and women are left holding the baby. Our society allows it. The government mandate on child maintenance is a joke and allows it. Men can have unprotected sex knowing they dont have to gestate and birth a child and they wont be responsible for raising it. They can do nothing and only pay a small amount for 18 years and then they're completely done.

As a women, you know what can happen. You know how I can end up. So you take every precaution science had amazingly been able to give us and you protect yourself from being put in this situation.

What were you thinking having sex when you knew you weren't using any protection? The same should be shouted at him as well, but even then, he can still walk off and take no responsibility. But you knew he could and would do that.

As I said earlier, leave him start a new life and make better choices.

He is not going to change. He doesnt give a shit about you or the kid. It's a good thing he is saying no to sex because you'd just end up pregnant again and things would be even worse.

girlmom21 · 05/12/2021 13:39

What makes you think he loves the baby if he doesn't do anything at all?

Limer · 05/12/2021 13:44

Leave him before he leaves you (he clearly doesn't want to be with you, or the baby, you're just the most convenient solution at the moment).

Even with the once-a-month sex, I hope you've got contraception sorted now?

Original poster
WhatamI87 · 05/12/2021 19:40

He does love the baby. You can tell. We have had the talk. He said he's going to change. We will see how it goes will keep you updated

OP posts:
hugr · 05/12/2021 19:48

@WhatamI87

He does love the baby. You can tell. We have had the talk. He said he's going to change. We will see how it goes will keep you updated
Hmm
Funnylittlefloozie · 05/12/2021 20:02

Oh well that's handy- you've had "the talk" and he's going to change. If you'd thought of having "the talk" before you posted, you might not have needed to make the post at all.

He might change, but usually, people don't. My advice is to start thinking about how you'd cope on your own. Dont accidentally get pregnant again

Coriandersucks · 05/12/2021 20:05

That’s an awful lot of changing he’s got to do but really hope it works out for you op

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 05/12/2021 20:13

You aren’t listening to people. You don’t want to leave him so you are just ignoring the facts.

Looubylou · 05/12/2021 20:31

Please do not risk another pregnancy OP. He needs to change immediately, and not relapse. Don't let this become a cycle of behaviour.

GoodForTheSoul · 05/12/2021 20:34

I'm sure it's going to be an unpopular opinion but I can see why he thinks you've had the baby to trap him...

He absolutely should not have insisted on leaving it in but at the same time, he expressed his opinion to you on fatherhood and you took no action either. Are you both very young? You sound very immature, poor kid.