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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bought bedding for myself but not for LO

55 replies

Crumpledpancake · 04/12/2021 16:03

Ok this is trivial but feels like a big thing to me.

I was just over at my parents' house for a quick visit (dropping some groceries off as they don't have a car). Had my 5yo DD with me. While I was in Asda I saw some brushed cotton bedding that is red and looks so Christmassy and cheerful. It wasn't expensive and I liked it so after some thought I decided to buy it. Then looked at some brushed cotton bedding for my DD but then remembered she needs double bedding for her bed. I couldn't buy both as I couldn't afford it (got a LOT of outgoings at the moment).

Anyway, I was at my parents house and I mentioned that I want to get some soft brushed cotton bedding for DD but can't afford it at the moment. (Why I said this I do not know!)

Then as we were leaving I opened the car boot to get something out and there was my bedding set for all to see! So they saw that I'd bought for myself and not DD. They're going to think I'm tight and mean.

I have a difficult relationship with them and they love any opportunity to call me for meanness. I am not mean though I spend most of my money on my DD and hardly ever on myself. She has a lovely winter coat that cost 3 x what my coat cost (just as an example). But I drive home fretting and feeling horrible. I want to text my dad to explain why I had bedding for myself but I feel this would just make things worse.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Practicebeingpatient · 04/12/2021 16:51

It's none of their business how you spend your money. You are a grown woman and make the choices you think are right for your money and your children.

I'm glad you are getting therapy soon. I hope it helps you move on form wanting their approval.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 04/12/2021 16:52

@Itsalmostanaccessory

Yes I have done that. I also wouldn’t stop my parents or in laws from doing that either. But then I don’t buy my children lots of random toys for their birthdays I tend to get one big item.

hangrylady · 04/12/2021 16:52

OP just enjoy your new bedding, there's nothing wrong with treating yourself every now and then, it's not like your daughter doesn't have bedding. Shame on your parents for making you feel like this.

Original poster
Crumpledpancake · 04/12/2021 16:54

@hangrylady

OP just enjoy your new bedding, there's nothing wrong with treating yourself every now and then, it's not like your daughter doesn't have bedding. Shame on your parents for making you feel like this.
Thanks Smile
OP posts:
Original poster
Crumpledpancake · 04/12/2021 16:57

My DD couldn't give a fiddlers fart what bedding she has ha ha. My DH works nights so half the time she ends up in with me anyway.

OP posts:
everythingbackbutyou · 04/12/2021 16:58

Gotta love family members who get off on making a person feel bad...I speak from experience!

SeaToSki · 04/12/2021 17:03

Would you ever want your DD to feel the way towards you that you are feeling towards your parents?

Im guessing you would be horrified… how can you take control of your part of your relationship with your parents to work on improving it? You cant change them, but you can change you. Drawing some boundaries might be a good example for your DD and showing her that noone has to bow down to someone else’s opinion. You dont have to cut your parents off to do this (hopefully!)

lottiegarbanzo · 04/12/2021 17:03

What would I do? Spend less time with your parents and start thinking of yourself as an adult, not a little girl.

Practice some neutral phrases, to dampen and end conversations with, like 'oh, do you think so?' or 'hmm, I suppose you could be right', said in a flat tone, then move the conversation on.

Make it calmly clear, to them and to yourself, that you're really not that interested in what they have to say.

And enjoy your cosy bedding!

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 04/12/2021 17:05

If she spends most of the night in with you I would mentally reframe it as having bought both of you new bedding! ❤️

BeaMends · 04/12/2021 17:12

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

Why wasn’t she allowed toys?
Who buys their kid new toys just before their birthday?

It's perfectly normal to say 'no, wait till your birthday'.

Yummypumpkin · 04/12/2021 17:14

Its difficult not to extrapolate from your post.

Did you mention the bedding to your parents because you hoped they'd buy it? Is this a pattern?

Why did you mention this and not mention your own new bedding? You say you don't know...again...can you think why?

Will your daughter be upset? Or will she not notice or care? This is the key question.

Why is the cost of your daughters coat, which you revised down, or brands relevant to the key issues here, which are your ability for self sacrifice for your child, your insight into your own actions and your ability to be honest with your parents?

If this sat easy on your conscience, why are you posting?

Do you want people to say there is nothing deeply strange here?

Would it really make you feel better?

I'm sorry to give you a hard time, but as I say there is a lot wrapped into this story of bedding, truth telling, brands, honesty and self responsibility.

Chakraleaf · 04/12/2021 17:17

You don't need to justify it here or to your parents!

lottiegarbanzo · 04/12/2021 17:20

Oh and the main thing; stop hoping that one day, next time, they'll magically transform into wonderful, loving parents and give you the response you were hoping for, deep down.

That's why you keep offering them these openings, these nuggets of personal information that are none of their business.

Stop doing that.

Disfordarkchocolate · 04/12/2021 17:20

From what you have said I can guarantee they didn't spend your childhood putting you first.

Enjoy your bedding, stop doing their shopping and have a look in Dunelm for the Teddy bear bedding sometime.

AutumnAlmanack · 04/12/2021 17:29

Op - you are allowed to have nice things that you like for yourself - you don't have to match it for your daughter every time. YOU are the adult.

Goldbar · 04/12/2021 17:38

It's fine to have grown-up treats sometimes. I buy expensive ice cream from the supermarket which I refuse to share with my DC, since they're usually equally happy with a Fab or some soft scoop. I'm sure your DD gets plenty of nice things that you don't also buy for yourself.

megletthesecond · 04/12/2021 17:46

My mum can be a bit like this. She was appalled that the dcs had to eat up (nice) buffet style leftovers in the fridge for lunch so they didn't go off. She was insisting they should have been given other food options and I should have binned the food if I had to. FFS.
I try and talk about very little personal stuff with her.

IAAP · 04/12/2021 17:47

I used to go without so the kids had everything but you have to stop. Dd has joint problem so I brought her decent thermal legging as she walks 45 minutes to schools- I could justify the cost £20
For decent thermal fleece lined leggings for me - as I’m not do an hour plus walk a day in January. But I saw two cheaper ones in the factory shop for £10
And I got those for me. However I went without new underwear for years etc and now I don’t I buy cheap but decent and if they have a wait until next month they do - if I want a decent hat I buy it! Done - bedding will last years worth the investment - my son at aged 7 has decent hat gloves and scarf - yes they were expensive but hopefully will
Last him 5 years plus x

Nanny0gg · 04/12/2021 18:09

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

Why wasn’t she allowed toys?
Presumably new toys just before her birthday.

Perfectly reasonable

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/12/2021 18:25

You are an adult and person in your own right. You are also your parent’s equals. If they don’t approve they can put their hands in their pockets.

Lilymossflower · 04/12/2021 18:27

This amount of anxiety about parents isn't normal or good. I used to get the same anxiety about all manner of little miniscule things just like this regarding my parents, eventually I cut contact completely and I am no longer judging myself through my parents eyes and constantly feeling guilty

name528 · 04/12/2021 18:28

Did your parents actually say anything or pull a face or are you just worried about it because you expect them to criticise.
I wouldn't text or anything especially if they haven't commented.

Animood · 04/12/2021 18:37

Don't think on the bedding. Such a small and irrelevant thing.

Your parents sound horrible! Can you get some counselling about your relationship?

EyesAsGreenAsAFreshPickledToad · 04/12/2021 18:40

Your parents have clearly inflicted some kind of trauma on you. Do you really think it’s in your daughters best interests to have a relationship with them? How do you know they won’t treat her how they treated you?

KosherDill · 04/12/2021 18:44

Just enjoy your treat.

They have no right to an opinion about your budget or spending.

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