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AIBU?

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Original poster

Relationship history (trigger warning)

46 replies

yeahbutnobutyeahbut · 04/12/2021 03:14

Is there a right answer to this?

Just started seeing a guy. History has come up. We've both been married. Kids. We're not exactly teenagers.

He knows I was abused as a kid. This had impacts on my relationships in my 20s. I had to reclaim my body almost. I found it hard to trust people. So they were more casual relationships. I then had more long term relationships. Before finally getting married.

He is fixated on my 20s. Repeatedly says he's okay with it. It's the past. I'm clearly 'normal' now. But it comes up all the time. Is this normal?!

OP posts:
Shalalalainthemorning · 04/12/2021 03:20

I guess he is doing 2 things:

  1. Trying to re assure himself that you are like most people now. I.e. it wont interfere in your relationship.
  1. He is trying to communicate to you (without actually saying) that he doesnt want your history to impact your current relationship or be used as an excuse.
Anordinarymum · 04/12/2021 03:22

Who brought the subject up in the first place OP?

Original poster
yeahbutnobutyeahbut · 04/12/2021 03:31

I was married for the last 12 years. Stable. Steady. I've never cheated (unlike him). If he wants to judge me on my recent past he can go for it.

He brings it up. Not me. It always comes up when he's drunk...

OP posts:
Original poster
yeahbutnobutyeahbut · 04/12/2021 03:32

Sorry I get your point number 2. In many ways he has been incredibly supportive. It has been tough. I fully recognise that. He knows a lot of my abuse which I think he would rather not have known. He has helped finding therapy etc. But yes there is a sense of wanting to move on

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 04/12/2021 03:41

Sorry but this is not nice to read. He has no right to make judgements on you regarding your past. Good grief, we all make mistakes when we are young, that is what being young is for !

If he is like this now, what will he be like two, five, ten years on and do you really want to find out?

sammylady37 · 04/12/2021 05:14

You have ‘just started seeing him’ - how long has it been? And why does he know about your history of abuse so early? I’m not saying it’s something you should hide but it’s something to disclose when you trust someone. Unsavoury people will use a vulnerability against you and I’m a bit concerned that’s what he’s doing now. You were perfectly entitled to only have casual relationships in your 20s, (for whatever reason, irrespective of abuse) and the fact he’s preoccupied with that and saying you’re ‘normal now’ makes me very uncomfortable, tbh. Who the hell is he to judge you on your past sex life? And to be critical of it? I woukd not be ok with this at all.

ClaudiaJ1 · 04/12/2021 05:35

@yeahbutnobutyeahbut

I was married for the last 12 years. Stable. Steady. I've never cheated (unlike him). If he wants to judge me on my recent past he can go for it.

He brings it up. Not me. It always comes up when he's drunk...

How often does he get drunk? If you've 'just started' seeing him, and he gets drunk a bit, red flags everywhere. I would steer clear of people who are regularly. He seems to have a drinking problem, at best.
Kbyodjs · 04/12/2021 05:44

I’m not sure about this at all; I’ve had my fair share of casual relationships and I don’t want or need a partner to be “ok with it”; quite honestly it’s nothing to do with him and none of his business. The fact that he keeps bringing it up to me means that actually he’s not really ok with it which says an awful lot about him and none of it good or that he has accepted it but it’s not been easy for him and he feels he has done you a good thing by accepting it (again says a lot about him)

Original poster
yeahbutnobutyeahbut · 04/12/2021 06:01

Thanks. I need to hear objective comments. It's just hard when you're in the middle of it

We've been together five months. So not long. The abuse came out as I used to flinch a lot. He gets annoyed when I do. So I had to explain it. It takes me a while to trust people.

It's just really hard to figure out what the problem is. He says he's okay with it one minute. Then flips out the next. Says he struggles with it. He says I would struggle if he'd had sex with hundreds of women or prostitutes etc.

It wasn't even that bad. Probably a normal 20 something sex life. I never had one night stands. I just wasn't ready for anything serious. I kept everyone at arms length for fairly obvious reasons.

At first he was understanding. That he knew after the abuse I had to rediscover sex almost. And make it about fun and pleasure. But then he'll say I have loose morals and that he struggles. It makes me feel shit. Like my abusers did. They made me feel worthless and unlovable and im so angry he's making me feel the same way.

I can't sleep. He left it by saying how hard he find it thinking of me being raped. And I went downstairs saying sorry you find me being raped so hard for you.

He's just asked me to come to bed. But he's pissed off. And I can't face it

OP posts:
Lolalovesmarmite · 04/12/2021 06:23

I was on the fence until your last post but that has made things very clear.

He is not ok with it, he will use it against you. The term “loose morals” is a strange one to use and for you to tolerate it and the judgement it implies from someone who is meant to care for you suggests that you are very vulnerable to an abusive relationship, which I fear that this would turn into.

I would consider ending this relationship before you find yourself too deeply enmeshed. He will never be ok with it, which is his failing not yours. You should never need to justify your relationship history to a partner, if you do then you’re with the wrong person.

sammylady37 · 04/12/2021 06:33

Your last post makes it so crystal clear. This is not a good man. He is abusive. Get rid of him.

Flowers500 · 04/12/2021 06:36

You’re in an abusive relationship and he is NOT a candidate for a partnership, his behaviour is repulsive and misogynist. It is absolutely none of his business and he can fuck right off

Fleetheart · 04/12/2021 06:40

I was shocked by your last post. he is not kind to you, and he is not being supportive. quite the opposite and you need to get out of this. i’m so sorry for what you have been through but so angry to read that he was annoyed by your flinching. that is very much not ok; please do not put up with this cruel man .

Blanca87 · 04/12/2021 06:46

He is a cunt and misogynist. How dare he use your trauma against you. Please, please get rid, he is an awful human and will bring you no end of hurt.

seven201 · 04/12/2021 06:46

Oh my goodness. This is not a healthy relationship in any way. He is making you feel like shit and you have done nothing wrong. He's manipulating you to think he is the sort of victim in this. He's sulking after you apologised for how he feels about your rape. What a nasty piece of work. I'm sorry, but I really think you need to end it before he damages you emotionally. Be strong.

emmetgirl · 04/12/2021 06:48

Huge red flag. Run and run fast.

Charley50 · 04/12/2021 06:51

He's horrible and abusive. Get rid, please. We all have histories by the time we're in our forties. Trying to psychologically guilt trip you for your past is sign of him being massively controlling. I'd stop seeing him and involve friends, family, police if he threatens you, which I can imagine he will.

Vuvuvuzela · 04/12/2021 06:52

Get rid of him. He doesn't respect you. How dare he make your abuse all about him and his feelings!

Piemam · 04/12/2021 06:56

Cut and run, please please please. He is no good, abusive and mean. You deserve to find someone who cares and doesn't pass judgment

tallduckandhandsome · 04/12/2021 08:15

Well, he sounded weird from your first post but your latest post clinched it. This man is a victim blaming, insecure and misogynistic arsehole.

Let today be the last day you see or speak to him Flowers

DriftingPlateTectonic · 04/12/2021 08:20

Please get away from him

ldontWanna · 04/12/2021 08:25

No. Just no. I have a similar past (with a pretty high number and one night stands). OH knows about it , not full details about either the abuse or how many men , but he knows.
He never brings it up, ever. Not when drunk, not when we argue, never. Throughout the years it has come up in conversations but he just listened and it stopped there.

He's not ok with it. It's not your job to educate him or make him feel ok about your trauma and the way you dealt with it. It's not your job to unpick years of misogyny and prejudice. It's not your job to stroke his ego. It's definitely not your job to be his emotional punching bag. It's not your fault and he's not the one for you.

DrManhattan · 04/12/2021 08:28

All the red flags. I'd call it a day.

MiddleClassProblem · 04/12/2021 08:28

It sounds like he has two problems, I could understand if he was coming from a place of “something awful happened to this person I care a lot about and I can’t process it” but with his disgust of how many sexual partners you’ve had and comparing it to prostitution, nah. He can tick off.

You know the answer here. Someone else, hell many others, would be able to accept both these things.

Arabelladrinkstea · 04/12/2021 08:30

How fucking dare he?

He’s twisting and manipulating things, he should have ZERO judgement about how many people you’ve slept with, and not try to twist this into him being the victim as he finds the thought distressing ffs Hmm

Honestly, I’d dump him for this as this will never go away….

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