Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Relationship history (trigger warning)

46 replies

yeahbutnobutyeahbut · 04/12/2021 03:14

Is there a right answer to this?

Just started seeing a guy. History has come up. We've both been married. Kids. We're not exactly teenagers.

He knows I was abused as a kid. This had impacts on my relationships in my 20s. I had to reclaim my body almost. I found it hard to trust people. So they were more casual relationships. I then had more long term relationships. Before finally getting married.

He is fixated on my 20s. Repeatedly says he's okay with it. It's the past. I'm clearly 'normal' now. But it comes up all the time. Is this normal?!

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 04/12/2021 08:32

He's really bad news, OP. Luckily you've discovered this early. Time for him to go.

ChargingBuck · 04/12/2021 08:39

But then he'll say I have loose morals and that he struggles.

OH DOES HE NOW?
This, from the drunk cheat, who gets angry when you flinch?
Who wonders if you are "normal now"?
How DARE he talk to you like that!?

OP, this man is already being bloody horrible to you, & it's only been 5 months.

The absolute tool is making the trauma you suffered all about him.
He thinks he is entitled to pry into your private past & sit in smug judgement.
When he parades his jealousy & possessiveness like this, he is telling you he thinks he owns your body.
He has a sick obsession with your abuse, he demands that you present as 'normal' (WTF?!) so he doesn;t have to consider your needs - only his.

What he means by "normal" btw is "don't flinch, because that might be a precursor to me not getting sex from you tonight. Also, I don't want to deal with any discomfort, so don't expect kind treatment from me."

He is conditioning you to accept being abused all over again.
And you know this - well done you for spotting it this early in - They made me feel worthless and unlovable and im so angry he's making me feel the same way.

Be angry my dear.
He will never treat you right.
Ditch the loser, he will never heal from being an arsehole, but you ARE healing, & will continue to do so as soon as you are out of this man's clutches.

He can't handle the thought of your abuse - not because he is appalled & shocked & protective of you - but because he is a mean little man who can't handle the concept that your body has been in 'possession' of other men.

That jealousy is a dumping offence on its own btw. He will punish you for his own inadequacies until you are miserable, & trapped again in another debilitating relationship.

Please spend some time single. You need to think about you, not second guessing some man's delicate little emotions as he proves to you how weak he is.

What support have you had around the previous abuse?
Counselling, Survivors Groups, training?
If you are not already aware, have a look at this course - www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php
It teaches how to spot & avoid falling into the same trap with another abuser, & I seriously hope you kick this man to the kerb, & spend a year or so just with yourself, receiving the help you need & deserve.

You are brave, you have survived, you recognised the early signs here with this awful man - you can do this. Put yourself first, & forget about men until you have nurtured & educated yourself & found some good real life support via Counselling, The Freedom Programme, & the resources shown here - www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/
Flowers

Itsbeenalongwhile · 04/12/2021 08:41

He is not ok with it, he will use it against you. The term “loose morals” is a strange one to use and for you to tolerate it and the judgement it implies from someone who is meant to care for you suggests that you are very vulnerable to an abusive relationship, which I fear that this would turn into.

I would consider ending this relationship before you find yourself too deeply enmeshed. He will never be ok with it, which is his failing not yours. You should never need to justify your relationship history to a partner, if you do then you’re with the wrong person.

This 👆🏾 with bells on. He is bad news. Very bad news. Please end the relationship now.
Don't look back.

DrSbaitso · 04/12/2021 08:41

He says I would struggle if he'd had sex with hundreds of women or prostitutes etc.

He equates lots of consensual sex with paying for it?

He's making you uncomfortable and that's what matters. It's only been five months. Do you think it'll change?

iloverock · 04/12/2021 08:43

No one should care how many people you've slept with (abuse or not)

He sounds nasty.

I've slept with a lot of people. My dp doesn't want to know. He doesn't care. He never brings it up. He knows it's in the past and the moment he bought it up to try and make me feel bad would be his last day as a dp.

You deserve better and he sounds abusive.

Run 🏃‍♀️ fast

ChargingBuck · 04/12/2021 08:43

He's not ok with it. It's not your job to educate him or make him feel ok about your trauma and the way you dealt with it. It's not your job to unpick years of misogyny and prejudice. It's not your job to stroke his ego. It's definitely not your job to be his emotional punching bag. It's not your fault and he's not the one for you.

Please read this again & again OP.

Your job is to look after yourself, & get proper, professional support, & to heal. And to have a great life. with no slimeballs in it!

theriverrunsthrough · 04/12/2021 08:47

Leave him OP, this will not end well. he is already impacting the way you feel about yourself

Jesus I had a very active sex life in my 20s, was out partying every weekend - had my own flat. My ex ( who had many faults) never brought this up despite actually knowing a few of there men I had sex with.

You are five months in, this is nothing. I have tins of beans in my fridge for longer..

HabitsDieHard · 04/12/2021 08:48

Another one saying run far away from this gobshite. I'm glad you realised early on that his behaviour is not right.

Double3xposure · 04/12/2021 08:48

Dear OP please listen to all the good advice on this thread and get away form this man now. He's not a good person.

AdamRyan · 04/12/2021 08:50

The abuse came out as I used to flinch a lot. He gets annoyed when I do. So I had to explain it.
A loving partner would be concerned about something that is obviously related to past trauma, not annoyed. A loving partner wouldn't make you drag up that trauma and justify yourself.

I think your boundaries are not quite right, probably you've been conditioned to accept abuse. But this is very clearly him not you. You don't need this in your life.

girlmom21 · 04/12/2021 08:53

5 months in and he's regularly getting drunk and verbally abusing you for your past.

Tell him to get fucked. A normal person wouldn't tell you they're ok with it. They'd just never mention it again.

He'll always use it as a stick to beat you with. He'll use it as an excuse to accuse you eventually.

Bananalanacake · 04/12/2021 08:53

Don't let him move in with you.

IslaInthesun · 04/12/2021 08:55

Oh no. Throw this one back sweetheart

FizzyTango · 04/12/2021 09:48

He sounds awful, end it. If anything he is showing red flags by the way he is behaving, it’s not a normal reaction at all.

DowntonCrabby · 04/12/2021 09:52

Massive red flags OP, you deserve better. He sounds massively insecure and potentially controlling.

I’d be interested to know (from the ex’s side) why his first marriage failed.

Sn0tnose · 04/12/2021 10:31

I think you’ve found another abuser. A different type of abuser, but an abuser nevertheless. It’s bad now and he’s still on his best behaviour. What happens when he lets his guard down? I think that if you carry on in this relationship, you are going to end up with your mental health on the floor.

I think the first worrying thing was him being annoyed when you flinched, rather than being concerned. I don’t think you should trust this man. He is not a good man.

MushaGodHelpHer · 04/12/2021 10:33

Dodgy.

Men who judge you on your sex life, whether blatantly or subtly, are almost always insecure, controlling pricks.

AngryAtAssholes · 04/12/2021 10:37

Oh OP this is not a good man.

The longer you stay with him the more he will use his insecurities about you to abuse you.

It’s not up to him to ‘be ok’ with any part of your life, as if he’s the measure of how acceptable it is.

Bin him off!

Thehop · 04/12/2021 10:38

Jesus. More red flags than a communist barbecue. Please dump him quickly.

Fros · 04/12/2021 11:00

He's not OK with your past.

He knows he's supposed to be supportive, that women have agency over their bodies and can do as much (or as little) as they want, and may even understand on a logical level that you needed to reclaim that agency as part of your recovery - which is why he will tell you that he is OK with it...

But if he keeps "blowing up" about it whenever he's had a drink then he's really not, at least on an emotional level. It's your past (beyond concerns about transmissible disease) it's not for him to judge, and it's certainly not something he should ever use as a weapon against you in any way.

Being charitable - if you think he's fabulous in every other way - is he willing to work his issues out with a therapist, and quit drinking until he has? If not I wouldn't waste your time on him.

You are in no way to blame for his reaction to your history Flowers

cheeseislife8 · 04/12/2021 11:09

Get rid OP. This is awful

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread