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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend with benefits.

51 replies

MelloYellow · 03/12/2021 23:13

For reference we have both came out of marriages within the last year.I feel like a teenager not early 40s led awake thinking about this …..
I’ve known him a long time as someone I’d say hi too,he’s always fancied me but we’ve never spoken or met up until recently so I guess it was from a far.

We met up and I was clear i do not want another relationship,and he said EXACTLY the same.

So now it’s months on we are regularly having sex with is amazing but he calls me every day ,and messages me all night.He calls me babe,gorgeous,sweetheart etc and I can’t help but think he wants it to develop…. He said we make a great team,I was made for him etc…. Because we are so similar in so many ways.
Am I being unreasonable or am I getting into something a bit deeper here….

OP posts:
TimeForTeaAndG · 03/12/2021 23:16

Be less available if you feel he is being too full-on.

Other than that, maybe another conversation is required to re-establish what each of you are expecting from this.

Original poster
MelloYellow · 03/12/2021 23:18

I really enjoy his company and I don’t want to hurt his feelings.
But you are right and I know it!

OP posts:
WindyWindsor · 03/12/2021 23:18

This sounds like something more than friends with benefits.

I would say with fwb there's generally a pretty solid no affection rule, no cuddling etc. Strictly sex. Is that what it's like? Doesn't sound like it? If you're spending time with eachother outside of sex then that's dangerous territory if that's not what one of you want.

Tread carefully I'd say otherwise one or both of you will end up getting very hurt.

amusedbush · 03/12/2021 23:20

It sounds like he has caught feelings, which is usually inevitable in a FWB set-up. I had one for about a year before I met DH and it worked perfectly because we met as strangers on a dating app, he worked away for weeks at a time and we saw each other for one night when he was back in town - that was it. He would text to make sure I got home safely but I wouldn't hear from him again until the next "hey, I'm back tomorrow night if you're free" text. It was great, actually Grin

I think you need to have a serious think about how you move forward. Are you ready for a relationship now? If not, you need to sit down with him and reassess your boundaries.

Original poster
MelloYellow · 03/12/2021 23:21

I agree @WindyWindsor that’s my worry.
Arghhh I’m 44 !

OP posts:
Original poster
MelloYellow · 03/12/2021 23:22

It’s uncanny how much we have in common but I’m too hurt by my ex to have another relationship @amusedbush

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 03/12/2021 23:24

This friends with benefits stuff is so risky. It seldom works without one person being left upset for one reason or another othet.

ThousandsOfTulips · 03/12/2021 23:31

I would say with fwb there's generally a pretty solid no affection rule, no cuddling etc. Strictly sex. Is that what it's like? Doesn't sound like it? If you're spending time with eachother outside of sex then that's dangerous territory if that's not what one of you want.

I don't agree with this! What you seem to be describing sounds more like a bootie call than FWB! That would be just the "B" not a "FWB". Grin FWB would just to me mean that it's casual, no commitment, no exclusivity, no expectations or demands made on each other emotionally. It doesn't prohibit showing affection when you both do feel like it, or spending time together aside from just having sex.

That said, that level of texting and calling would be full on if he was a new boyfriend, OP. And the icky "endearing terms" 😬. I think you definitely need to reiterate the boundaries, gently.

Divebar2021 · 03/12/2021 23:35

I would say with fwb there's generally a pretty solid no affection rule, no cuddling etc. Strictly sex

Errrr no, there are no rules. I don’t know how you would have sex with no affection. You can still have affection and intimacy. It isn’t about the physical aspect it’s about the emotional aspect. The fact that you’re messaging all evening seems to suggest you’re enjoying that side of the relationship also If you’re not then consider reducing how often you respond or just for-warn him that you’re going to be busy for a few evenings and make yourself less available to chat.

WindyWindsor · 04/12/2021 00:04

All I'm saying is good luck finding a successful friends with benefits with no one developing feelings for eachother when you're spending lots of time together outside of sex and messaging eachother and cuddling up to eachother. That's all I'm saying when I say affection...

The more affection the more chance of it slipping outside of fwb only boundaries. I think that's just human nature.

TurnUpTurnip · 04/12/2021 00:08

You can have sex without affection, no kissing/cuddling etc

I’ve never liked the idea of FWB personally as someone often grows feelings usually the woman(though not in this case)

Houseofvelour · 04/12/2021 00:09

I had a fwb years ago and it was perfect because we didn't particularly like each other, we had nothing in common, we literally didn't have each other's numbers so we had to message on fb.
Every few weeks one of us would message and then we'd meet up, have sex and then he'd leave. Sometimes he'd stay over and we'd chat about the people we had feelings for and give each other relationship advice and other times he'd just go and I'd get on with my evening.
It was great.
I've found it honestly only works if neither of you have any feelings toward each other whatsoever.
And fwb's I've had that have gone sour we're because someone got feelings.

This guy obviously likes you on a deeper level so honestly, there's no point re-explaining what you've already told him. Cut your losses and find a new fwb.

Houseofvelour · 04/12/2021 00:10

Sorry for the typos 🤦‍♀️

ImustLearn2Cook · 04/12/2021 00:25

FWB has a friendship component so is not without feelings or being some kind of relationship. It’s meant to be a friendship relationship that also has sex rather than being a committed couple relationship.

@MelloYellow He really does come across as wanting the FWB to progress into a committed couple relationship. If he has hope then he might not really understand that the FWB boundaries are permanent. He might continue to hope that one day they’ll change and you’ll be ready for a committed relationship with him in the future.

Not sure what to advise. I think that you need to honestly consider what you want now and in the future. Is there a possibility that your feelings will change and you will want a committed couple relationship with him in the future?

WOTW · 04/12/2021 00:52

Let's be honest, you knew he fancied you so you must've had an inkling this wouldn't be as straightforward as "friends with benefits".

If you don't want anything more, you need to break it off because he's clearly attached and it's unfair.

ThousandsOfTulips · 04/12/2021 02:17

@WindyWindsor

All I'm saying is good luck finding a successful friends with benefits with no one developing feelings for eachother when you're spending lots of time together outside of sex and messaging eachother and cuddling up to eachother. That's all I'm saying when I say affection...

The more affection the more chance of it slipping outside of fwb only boundaries. I think that's just human nature.

Hmmm well yes I suppose there is more risk if the person isn't a particularly good friend and well-known before they become a FWB. But if for example you have a good long-standing friendship with somebody you know well, and find them attractive, but both know and discuss that you have no desire to be in a relationship with each other - totally unsuitable for that for whatever reason - but you decide mutually to become FWB and they happen to be good in bed so it works well... should you then cancel the friendship aspect and kick them out immediately after sex each time, refuse any non-sexual communication? I don't think that is a FWB, as the "F" aspect would have be cancelled. 🤷🏻‍♀️
ThousandsOfTulips · 04/12/2021 02:20

@Houseofvelour

I had a fwb years ago and it was perfect because we didn't particularly like each other, we had nothing in common, we literally didn't have each other's numbers so we had to message on fb. Every few weeks one of us would message and then we'd meet up, have sex and then he'd leave. Sometimes he'd stay over and we'd chat about the people we had feelings for and give each other relationship advice and other times he'd just go and I'd get on with my evening. It was great. I've found it honestly only works if neither of you have any feelings toward each other whatsoever. And fwb's I've had that have gone sour we're because someone got feelings.

This guy obviously likes you on a deeper level so honestly, there's no point re-explaining what you've already told him. Cut your losses and find a new fwb.

See to me again that's a bootie call not a FWB! If you aren't friends and don't even like eachother how can you be FWB? There is no friendship! 🤣

Nothing wrong with a bootie call setup but it's a different thing.

It is possible to be friends with someone and have sex with them sometimes and care about them as a person without falling for them in a romantic way. Those are very different things.

ThousandsOfTulips · 04/12/2021 02:22

@WOTW

Let's be honest, you knew he fancied you so you must've had an inkling this wouldn't be as straightforward as "friends with benefits".

If you don't want anything more, you need to break it off because he's clearly attached and it's unfair.

I don't understand this comment either! How could you possibly have a FWB that you didn't fancy? Then it wouldn't be appealing to have sex with them, surely? You can fancy someone without wanting a relationship with them.
Catflapkitkat · 04/12/2021 03:08

Although I have never had a friends with benefits situation, I have been the friend/emotional support dog to a good few that have. From what I have seen friends with benefits is one of those things that is good on paper like - like picnics, communism and false eyelashes etc. Someone always breaks the rules and develops feelings, and the person who likes the other more hangs around hoping it will develop into something more.

This guy seems way more into you than you are to him. Any you know it. Now you've come out of a marriage and you want to be desired, sought after - nobody blames you for that but he is going to get his fingers burned. You telling him you didn't want a relationship doesn't let you off the hook. You know how he feels about you.

starrynight21 · 04/12/2021 04:01

You already knew he fancied you, so this shouldn't come as a surprise. Someone always gets hurt in a FWB scenario - and in this case it's going to be him. I'd start by having a serious conversation about where this is going, but I've got a feeling that even if he agrees to back off, he won't. If you don't want a relationship I'd suggest calling this off before it gets too complicated.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 04/12/2021 07:13

Sounds like more than FWB. I had one for a few years, it was great. He lived 90 minutes away so I only saw him once a month or so. He did call me "babe" but it was just a term of affection. No one caught feelings in our case.

Original poster
MelloYellow · 04/12/2021 07:58

@Catflapkitkat haha first time I’ve ever seen communism and false eyelashes used in the same analogy 😃

Thanks all ,yes I know,if I’m honest I fancy him too but I can’t ever let myself get into another relationship,I’m seeing him this week so I’m going to mention again what I want or rather don’t want x

OP posts:
Original poster
MelloYellow · 04/12/2021 08:02

@ImustLearn2Cook
He said he wanted exactly the same.No I can’t be in another relationship my husband destroyed me x

OP posts:
ThousandsOfTulips · 04/12/2021 09:23

one of those things that is good on paper like - like picnics, communism and false eyelashes

GrinGrinGrin

feelsobadfeltsogood · 04/12/2021 09:38

I had a Fwb and the sex was just mind blowing
No commitment - just sex and this went on for a couple of Years, we were both in unhappy relationships
It ended because I met someone else and then he did shortly after and just by coincidence our paths have crossed again and I look at him now and those feelings came back

This is about 10 years after the event

He's messaged me
I'm so bloody tempted I can't tell you

It's just such a dangerous game to play