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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband is doing my head in- help.

37 replies

KatieMcC1989 · 03/12/2021 20:50

AIBU?
We have a 3 month old DD who is everything but my DH is doing my nut in! Few things:

  • when he comes home from work, he sits on his phone all evening. I've been on my Todd all day and I feel like he'd honestly rather talk to his mates! He's the kind of person that has to reply instantly when someone texts him. Or he's playing stupid games, or watching live streams of someone playing games. Urgh.
  • when he has DD, he hardly interacts with her. Granted he's not great with babies but everything is so f*cking boring. Like doesn't chat to her, would just hold her in front of the TV instead of trying to even play a game. It's like he's embarrassed or something and I ask him not to let her watch the TV but it gets his back up.
  • I'm EBF so it's tough on him and DD won't take a bottle. But once I've settled her in bed, I come downstairs and he's usually playing COD with his mates. And it takes me to go in like 4 times to ask him when he'll be done to turn the thing off!
It's such a lonely thing, motherhood. And I even feel lonely when he's home from work. I've tried talking about it with him but he just tells me I'm nagging him. Maybe I am and my tone is off but doesn't he get the picture???? I'm maybe just being hormonal but I honestly get so frustrated with him at the minute and don't know what to do.
OP posts:
DismantledKing · 03/12/2021 20:53

Don’t have another child with him, he’s already shown you how inconsiderate he is.

Nanny0gg · 03/12/2021 21:02

He needs to grow up.

Does he do anything to help you at home either?

Thedogscollar · 03/12/2021 21:02

Can I ask how old he is OP?
I think the very young baby stage for SOME men before everyone piles on can be a bit boring tbh.

When the baby is a bit older and interacting more they become more interested.

However yes I know being at home all day can be a long day and you look forward to some adult company. I'd switch tv off ask him to come off his phone and be having a serious conversation about his behaviour and how it is impacting on you.

KalvinPhillipsManBun · 03/12/2021 21:04

Instead of telling us, tell him, kick his arse, useless man

Zerrin13 · 03/12/2021 21:05

What was he like before you had baby?
Did he used to be better company?

Shoxfordian · 03/12/2021 21:05

He sounds like he’s not interested in being a dad or contributing other than financially which he can do without living with you

KMcC89 · 03/12/2021 21:06

He's old enough to know better! He's 37 going on 15 😂
And to be fair, he's does stuff around the house- he makes dinner every night and clears it away. He always changes her nappies (but has to finish the game he's playing first before he does it 🙄). He brings me lots of water or whatever else I need. So he isn't useless, it's that I just don't think he engages brain!

KMcC89 · 03/12/2021 21:07

@Zerrin13

What was he like before you had baby? Did he used to be better company?
I think he was probably the same but I think I was probably pretty useless too. I was so busy with work that I probably didn't notice. But now I've got something else to focus on, it's blindingly obvious now.
MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 03/12/2021 21:07

I wish I had a £ for every one of these identical threads that is posted on MN. There are so many of these useless men around. How do they get women to even sleep with them?

Hankunamatata · 03/12/2021 21:08

Did he do these things before baby was born?

DaisyandSimeon · 03/12/2021 21:08

I think many men and women find tiny babies boring, so I'm sure it will change as she gets older. Just talk to him meanwhile.

BHX3000 · 03/12/2021 21:10

How old is he?

He sounds about 14. He now has a baby and a wife who spends her whole day caring for the baby, so he needs to act accordingly and become an active member of the family.

COD and game apps need to be put aside when there are other things than need doing with his child.

Was the baby planned? If yes, what did he think it would be like? Babies need interaction, silly faces and voices, and you both as parents need to support each other through this. It's not fair you feel so lonely.

I would sit him down and very sternly ask him. Are you going to mature any time soon? When will you stop behaving like a teenager? Do you realise you're now a father and need to act like one?

It's not nagging, it's asking him to be a father. Which you shouldn't have to ask in the first place...

IsThePopeCatholic · 03/12/2021 21:33

What a waste of space. How did you end up with such a man child, op? You need to give him a good talking to. Did he want this baby or was he doing you a favour?

manysummersago · 03/12/2021 21:42

Just in case you didn’t realise OP, sleeps are supposed to be supervised until 6 months. If you did know but decided this suits you, sorry. I just thought I’d mention it.

As for your DH, I don’t know that it’s as bad as all that, tbh. My baby is now 12 months and DH is great but he wasn’t when the baby was little, and I had many moments like you where I was tempted to whack him across the head!

I think the important thing is to try not to micromanage too much. Don’t forget you get the baby in the day when she’s probably a bit chirpier. Evenings can be hard going.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 03/12/2021 21:48

I can't see the point of him. He is a grown man behaving like a 17 year old - depressing beyond belief.

Buttercup72 · 03/12/2021 21:51

I do wonder if it’s just a confidence thing? Does he have much experience? I’m not condoning his actions, but maybe it not from a disinterested place but he just feels out his depth. Hopefully an honest conversation can be had - if you focus on his actions rather than verbalising what you think is causing it, he has the opportunity to open up, the balls in his court. I know my husband felt an overwhelming amount of responsibility and had a bit of crisis, but our child is now 9 and he’s the best dad. He spends lots of quality time with her but is very active in the more menial day to day washing uniforms, sorting lunches etc. I think the fact that I was on maternity made him feel like there was a gulf in capability to begin with and because it was a big deal to him he had a bit of rock bottom phase. I’d say try and be kind initially, and see if he pulls through.

If your do doesn’t change after you have talked it out, you need to consider whether you want to stay with him.

KMcC89 · 03/12/2021 21:53

Thank you all for confirming my instinct of not being crazy!
Baby was very much planned and he's always really wanted kids so I'm just as shocked as you all are that his involvement is what it is. In the first few weeks, I felt that I had to encourage him to even hold her. I think he may have had some sort of depression or something...
I'll try and sit him down and tell him how I'm feeling. He currently has a cold which, as you'll all know, has meant his mood is worse than usual.
As some of you say, I'm sure it'll get easier as she gets older and he can play with her a bit more. But for now, it's fucking frustrating.

MultipackMadness · 03/12/2021 21:55

He's a wanker.
Playing games. Ignoring you.
No thanks.

KMcC89 · 03/12/2021 21:56

@manysummersago

Just in case you didn’t realise OP, sleeps are supposed to be supervised until 6 months. If you did know but decided this suits you, sorry. I just thought I’d mention it.

As for your DH, I don’t know that it’s as bad as all that, tbh. My baby is now 12 months and DH is great but he wasn’t when the baby was little, and I had many moments like you where I was tempted to whack him across the head!

I think the important thing is to try not to micromanage too much. Don’t forget you get the baby in the day when she’s probably a bit chirpier. Evenings can be hard going.

Thank you for this- that's reassuring! And thank you for info on 6 months- we know this but needed to get her into a routine and sleeping downstairs before we went o bed was just not working for us. She just wouldn't sleep and became super duper grouchy. She sleeps right beside me during the night and I have eyes on her all the time she's upstairs (which is usually only for 1 hr). X
crystal1717 · 03/12/2021 21:56

How old is he?

KMcC89 · 03/12/2021 21:58

@Buttercup72

I do wonder if it’s just a confidence thing? Does he have much experience? I’m not condoning his actions, but maybe it not from a disinterested place but he just feels out his depth. Hopefully an honest conversation can be had - if you focus on his actions rather than verbalising what you think is causing it, he has the opportunity to open up, the balls in his court. I know my husband felt an overwhelming amount of responsibility and had a bit of crisis, but our child is now 9 and he’s the best dad. He spends lots of quality time with her but is very active in the more menial day to day washing uniforms, sorting lunches etc. I think the fact that I was on maternity made him feel like there was a gulf in capability to begin with and because it was a big deal to him he had a bit of rock bottom phase. I’d say try and be kind initially, and see if he pulls through.

If your do doesn’t change after you have talked it out, you need to consider whether you want to stay with him.

Thank you- I think this is a really good perspective and you're probably spot on. It's deffo a confidence thing and as you say, ball will be in his court. Xx
KMcC89 · 03/12/2021 21:58

@crystal1717

How old is he?
Unbelievably, 37.
SoItWas · 03/12/2021 21:59

Op you've name changed mid thread?

I can see why you're frustrated.

Darcy86 · 03/12/2021 22:07

My husband is the same age, we have a now 9mo and he was similar at first in that he didn't quite know how to interact with the baby when he was very little. It's definitely improved since he's got a bit older and they've bonded more, he's more natural with him and uses his own initiative (thank god). I did get a bit frustrated in the early days so I sympathise - having said that he never played video games or sat there on his phone, that's definitely unreasonable of your OH and he needs to step up and help you more. Saying you're nagging him is a cop out and dickish. Even if it doesn't come naturally at first he should be making sure he prioritises helping you out - stating the obvious there of course! Having a baby turns your world upside down as you'll know, so definitely communicate how you feel and make sure he knows.

ILoveHuskies · 03/12/2021 22:12

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

I wish I had a £ for every one of these identical threads that is posted on MN. There are so many of these useless men around. How do they get women to even sleep with them?
This 😩😩😩

And I speak as someone who's had a child with one (kicked him out when baby was about six months as realised the useless twat would
Never change) . I Met a real man a few years later and had two more, who thankfully is a good, involved dad and actually interacts with me and the dc.